


now i got you in my space (i won't let go of you)

by 1to10



Series: sorority au [1]
Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band), TWICE (Band), twicevelvet - Fandom
Genre: F/F, all the good shit, briefly mentioned nahyo, joyri besties and past joyrene, sorority au, sorority girl/nerd girl au, there's some drinking too but no drugs just some lighthearted college stuff, this fic has had a MONSTER of an outline just to get it prepared, we got some romance and angst and drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 65,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22171057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1to10/pseuds/1to10
Summary: As soon as the door is shut, Joy flops down onto her bed and pulls her pillow over her face. It was far too early to be this irritated at just about everything. But even though Yeri had given her a stern warning, Joy didn’t feel put off about it at all. If anything, part of her wanted to do it to spite Yeri and to get this rejection out of her head.Stay away from her, yeah right. She’d see about that.(in which joy is the popular sorority president, sana is a nerdy nobody, and they cross paths)
Relationships: Minatozaki Sana/Park Sooyoung | Joy
Series: sorority au [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1972036
Comments: 62
Kudos: 293





	1. keep your distance from her

Sorority parties weren’t something to be messed with, really. Especially when they were thrown by one of the most respected sororities on campus. _Especially_ when it was essentially a birthday party for arguably the most popular girl on campus.

Joy was a perfectionist to her core. She grew up knowing what needed to be done and doing exactly what it would take to get there, and the party that set the tone for the entire rest of the year would be no different.

She had started planning it even before they had gotten back to school. There were a lot of expectations that were placed on her for this year that she knew she had to meet. Her sorority was always the one to throw the best back to school party, and this year wouldn’t be any different. Every little detail had to line up, every single bit mattered. She had to get it all right.

It didn’t seem to matter to anyone else that if things went badly or someone deemed important had a bad time, then it would reflect badly on not just the sorority but her as well. Sometimes it felt like nobody really grasped the weight that was on her shoulders. President, well known at the school, eldest daughter, and with a mother who was a former president at the sorority as well.

She’s checking and rechecking her handwritten party list for what seems like the millionth time when she hears two quick knocks at her door and then the handle starting to turn, which means it’s definitely Yeri. She doesn’t bother answering as Yeri makes her way into her room and over to where she’s laying on the bed.

“Again? Seriously?” Yeri goes to reach for Joy’s list but Joy extends her arm away from her before she can grab it away.

Yeri had helped her plan it and had sworn to Joy that the party really would be fine without her becoming a “total control freak”, but Joy knew better than that. 

“Yes, seriously. First of all, how would you feel if maybe the biggest party of the year fell on your birthday? This isn’t just another bash because we all felt like getting drunk, this is the thing that sets the tone for everything else. If something goes badly, I’m the one who looks like an idiot.” Joy huffs and rolls to turn away from Yeri, which gets her a poke in the back.

“Don’t ‘first of all’ me because I’ve heard this mini speech a million times. I’m the person right there with you making sure it gets done. I just think you should relax or what’s the point? You won’t be having any fun.”

It was true, she really hadn’t had a moment to herself since she had started drawing up the plans. But she can have a good time when the party is actually happening. She stays silent but Yeri pokes her gently in the back again.

“I realize there’s no point to arguing against your perfectionist side and also I’m bored so I’m just gonna leave you here. Try not to work yourself into a stroke somehow, okay? Tomorrow night is going to be great, whether or not you have another mini breakdown.”

Joy silently nods and she feels Yeri move off the bed. The door makes a clicking sound as it closes and she rolls back over. For as much as Yeri had done for her and as much as they had been there for each other, there were just some things they didn’t get about each other.

Yeri was a hard worker, but she was a lot more carefree than Joy in a lot of ways. Sometimes it irritated her, sometimes it kept her head where it needed to be.

Regardless of how she felt about it, Yeri was right. She was basically done and could maybe breathe a sigh of relief. This party was going to cement her as the most popular girl on campus, in every way. The only thing she really had to worry about was...her ex. But that was something that could be handled when it came up and not a moment before.

For now, the nap she was going to take had been very well earned.

\---

Whatever Nayeon was going on about in her ear was something she couldn’t be concerned about right now. Joy scanned carefully, checking the general mood of the party goers. And to her surprise and relief things were...fine. She leaned further back into the kitchen counter, careful not to accidentally knock over the shot glasses directly behind her.

“I know you aren’t listening to me and maybe can’t even hear me but I’m going to get you another drink.” Nayeon had cupped her hands around her mouth so Joy was finally able to hear her a bit better, a bit too well being that close to her ear. Joy nodded distractedly and waved her hand as Nayeon walked off in the other direction.

So far she had been careful not to get too drunk. Getting sloppy was unfitting for a president, even if she was the birthday girl. Taking easy sips of the bottle of whatever had been brought to the party by the girls at the house made it seem as if she was both enjoying the party and relaxed, even if neither of those were true.

People had been coming up to her all night, wishing her a happy birthday, offering to do shots with her, asking for her number. None of it really interested her though. The people hitting on her was expected, it came with the good looks and the status. She was more of a chaser though, and not a chasee. 

Although she would admit, the dress she was wearing was an attention grabber. Thin straps, red, sparkly. It screamed “I’m the it girl” more loudly than anything else she did.

Regardless, she still had yet to recover from her last relationship. Relationship, fling, partnership, whatever. They had dated and it didn’t go well and the ex was still hung up. But how was that her fault? They had only been together off and on for a year and she had gotten the whole summer to get over it. That part was not up to Joy.

Now wasn’t the time to think of her though, so she wasn’t going to. She tapped her finger against the bottle she was holding before tilting her head back and downing the rest of it. That should do it.

If it hadn’t been for the nudge she had felt, she probably wouldn’t have noticed Yeri sliding up beside her. She glanced over and gave her a forced smile to which Yeri raised a brow.

“Birthday girl still not feeling it yet? Shame. People still have been talking about you all night, which isn’t shocking. Sometimes I swear they care about you more than actual celebrities.”

Joy couldn’t help the laugh that left her mouth at that. In a twisted way, all the highest ranking members of the sorority were celebrities in their own right. But especially her. It wasn’t something she ever asked for but more something that she felt had been thrust upon her. 

“Well, I think they’re stupid for that. Unless they’re good looking. Then I think it’s worth talking about.”

The other girl laughed in return. “Always thinking of your next conquest, even when you aren’t trying to. Why don’t you let loose for a minute, enjoy yourself, and go find a girl to talk to? Guarantee literally any of them would love to be your embarrassing one night stand story in a week.”

She tries not to grimace but with the alcohol setting in her system it showed immediately. “Irene is here, you know. I really don’t need a reason for her to come crying to me today. She tried it the entire summer. It’ll aggravate me even more if it happens the only day I get to myself during the year to not deal with that kind of thing.”

Yeri rolled her eyes as she took a drink from the plastic cup she held. She set the cup down right behind Joy. “Who cares what she has to say? Seriously. She has to get over it if you have. I feel like I’m always the one just pushing you to do things and to not think about the unimportant consequences. You’ve been so tightly wound since the end of last year. She doesn’t control your love life.”

Joy watched her carefully as Yeri walked around to the other side of the kitchen to grab a bottle of what Lisa and some of her friends had been taking shots of earlier. Yeri lined up three shot glasses and hurriedly filled them, all while making a mess around them. She took one in her right hand and gently nudged the other two towards Joy.

Once she sees the look on Yeri’s face, she realizes her taking the shots isn’t really a question. Reluctantly, she pulls both shot glasses towards her.

“This is...to the new school year, your presidency, your 21st birthday, and to whatever numerous great things you will lead us to this year!” Yeri waves her free hand around, trying to signal Joy to get the ball rolling with her.

She lifts up her shot glass and Joy lifts hers up too, gently clinking the glass together. Yeri’s shot is gone quickly and she covers her mouth to stifle the cough the alcohol causes. Joy hesitates before throwing the first shot back, trying not to gag. Setting the first shot glass down she picks up the second one and throws it back just as fast. It doesn’t take long for her to feel the effects of two straight shots right in a row, but she still hates the memory of the burn it invokes getting there.

“See. The taste is disgusting but you totally feel better now. Everyone here is wasted anyway so nobody will notice if miss perfect is slightly intoxicated.” Yeri slaps her arm humorously and Joy scoffs.

“Somebody will definitely notice if I do something stupid. Like, real stupid. Doesn’t matter if everyone was blacked out, there’d still be one person sober enough to record whatever I pull and upload it to the internet.”

Yeri looks at her like she wants to argue, maybe just for the sake of it, but she doesn’t. Instead, she grabs Joy by the shoulders and turns her around to face the sliding glass door to the backyard. There’s only slightly less people out there than in the living room, but it seems about 200% less chaotic.

“You're going to go out there. Talk to someone. Someone cute preferably but I can’t make your choices for you. Whatever you do after that is none of my business. Hook up or straight back to your room to write in your diary. But you’re going to get back to the old you. Because uh, I’m your best friend and I said so?” With that, she slides her slightly towards the door before pulling her hands away.

It takes everything in her not to turn around and just take another shot before going back up to her room, but she doesn’t. Something tells her it would be better just to listen to Yeri this time, to at least entertain her enough so she stops annoying her for the rest of the night.

Nobody looks up when she slides the door open, most likely only because they didn’t realize it was her. There’s a few couples chatting closely, but it isn’t quite the time of the night where everyone is sucking face and pretending nobody around them can see. A few of them are past hookups, so no go on those. Some others are girls that have already come up to her earlier in the night, most likely aware that nothing else they could say would give them a chance if they hadn’t already gotten one.

It feels a little stupid to be looking for a hookup. She had always had this whole thing about chasing but never chasing too hard. Like it should feel natural, and that if there was too much effort to be put in then she’d back off. Because nobody was worth truly fighting for. She wasn’t really good at relationships anyway.

She wants to turn around and go back inside and scold Yeri for forcing her to go out there and stand like an idiot, when someone she definitely hasn’t seen before catches her eye. Cute, really cute. Chestnut brown hair, wide circular glasses, and only dressed in jeans and a graphic tee. So she definitely wasn’t greek. But that was fine, greeks hooked up outside their system all the time. They just weren’t that loud about it.

It takes Joy approximately twenty seconds to decide to go talk to her. It was her party, this girl hadn’t attempted to bother her, and she was alone. All the factors worked out for her. Even if it was just a bit surprising this girl hadn’t attempted to talk to her like, whatsoever.

There’s no mirror available to check herself to make sure she looks fine, so she just smooths out her hair, hopes for the best, and makes her way over. This girl has still not looked up for some reason, more interested in her phone. She’s leaning back against the table but has one arm wrapped around herself. Casual, but not too comfortable.

“Hi,” Joy blurts it out somewhat awkwardly before she can really think too hard. That was definitely because of those two successive shots.

Finally, she looks up but no smile. The girl’s gaze isn’t judgmental but it isn’t quite warm. She almost wants to fall back and walk away, but figures she needs to give it an honest shot.

It takes a moment for this girl to look her over, and when she’s done she does give Joy a little bit of a smile and a slight nod. There’s an awkwardness to her and Joy can’t quite tell if it’s intentional or not. She looks like she wants to say something, maybe getting ready to, but the drinks in Joy’s system make her want to fill the short silence.

“It’s my birthday you know. I’m Joy, by the way. Sooyoung, actually. But Joy is a childhood nickname and it stuck, so that’s what everyone calls me.” It comes out more rushed than she expected, definitely like someone who has never even talked to a girl before.

The girl snorts and sticks her phone in her pocket, then crossing both arms over her body. “I know who you are. How could I not? I’ve been going to school here just as long as you, and everyone knows you.”

It’s hard to tell if that was rude or not, because she’s definitely encountered girls who wrote her off immediately, knowing her status and her reputation. But it doesn’t feel like it. It doesn’t have the same bite to it. She decides to keep pushing.

“Oh, yeah. I mean...not to be full of myself but people do know me. Being the president at this sorority of all places is a big deal. Anyway, what’s your name?” She tries not to cringe at the speed of her words and the delivery. If any of her board were here they’d be laughing at her, pulling her away to save her from the shame, or feeding her better lines through a secret earpiece.

“Sana. Minatozaki Sana. Sorry if I wasn’t exactly on your invite list. I have a friend here, and she invited me. But she said you were nice, and wouldn’t mind.”

Mental note: she was definitely going to find that friend and thank them if this turned out well.

“No! No, there’s not an invite list. Not that kind anyway. I just want people to not bring idiots. So you aren’t an idiot, definitely. Did you come here with your boyfriend?” Oh god, there it was. Complete lack of tact. Utterly embarrassing.

Sana pursed her lips and tapped her foot, almost looking as if she could be deep in thought. “Well, no. Would be weird since I’m a lesbian. What about you?”

Maybe the embarrassment was worth it. She was gay and she was single. Had to be, because she would’ve mentioned a girlfriend at that point.

“Nope. No boyfriend. Or girlfriend, in case you were wondering. Very single.” Really subtle. Very smooth.

That gets a laugh out of Sana. “I wasn’t wondering that last part specifically actually, but thank you for letting me know.”

Ouch. Not the most encouraging sign, but it wasn’t anything that she couldn’t overcome. “I was kind of wondering why you hadn’t talked to me yet, not that we knew each other or anything. Most people here have tried though. With everything that comes with being the president, I don’t usually have to approach cute girls. But I do because I like being the one, you know? To chase. Not in a scary way. I’m not like that at all, ask anyone!” And there was the rambling. Inevitable, really.

At this point, about 40% of girls would’ve disregarded the fact that Joy was extremely good looking and usually charming and just left after having to deal with the fact that Joy was in fact an embarrassing drunk. She was hoping Sana found it cute though. Maybe she did, considering the fact that she smiled at her rambling and had finally turned towards her to give Joy her full attention.

“I know all about your reputation with girls, again, I think everyone does. You aren’t exactly a mystery. Not in a mean way. You’re just...very well known.” There’s still no real bite to her words so Joy believes her when she says she means no offense. She knows it’s true. Knows that everyone knows her and that she couldn’t really be a mystery even if she wanted to.

Sana is looking at her, almost sympathetically but Joy doesn’t understand why. She starts to feel almost vulnerable standing there, being as genuine as she can in a situation like that. It doesn’t take long for her to realize her walls have to go back up, and that she can’t be caught having some mushy therapy session with this girl.

“How about we get out of here? It’s my birthday after all, and I think we’d have fun.”

That sympathetic look from Sana is here still, but this time with a lot more judgement than before. She looks disappointed in Joy’s quick change in the conversation. Joy tries not to let it bother her.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Sana clears her throat and pulls her phone back out, leaving it in her left hand. It kinda feels like she’s getting ready to use it as an excuse to leave the conversation.

Joy feels a little stupid right then. She knows if she had been fully sober, this might’ve gone a little differently. Would’ve been able to hold a full conversation, flirt more smoothly. She’s been rejected before, but never in her own sorority house on her birthday by someone this attractive. She feels hot all of a sudden, cheeks flushing from embarrassment and praying none of her friends were witnessing whatever this was about to become.

“How about I get your number?” It was a last ditch effort, but she had to try something. Had to save just a bit of her reputation.

Sana shakes her head and looks in another direction away from her. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, either. It was really nice meeting you, Joy. I mean that. Have a good night, and happy birthday.” It’s the last thing she says before she brushes past Joy, and goes inside. 

What the hell was that? She’s left there, standing by herself at a table in the backyard and she knows some people had been watching at least midway into the conversation. The burn she feels from the mixed effects of the alcohol and the embarrassment makes her itch. Part of her wants to run after her and ask her what that was all about and why she felt she was too good for her. The other part wants to run into her room and turn on a bad drama and sulk.

She settles on going back inside, and quite possibly telling Yeri off for accidentally forcing her into that situation. But she walks past the kitchen and sees Yeri, Nayeon who finally returned with the drink she promised, and a few other members chatting and decides against it. She doesn’t want to cause a scene, even if she’s feeling rejected.

Her and Yeri make eye contact but Yeri doesn’t call out to her, can probably tell from her face that she isn’t in the mood. She stalks upstairs and goes into her room with a slam of the door. The nice thing about being president is the privacy of her own big room, and not having to share.

\---

The hangover she wakes up with isn’t too unexpected, but unwelcome nonetheless. Joy groans and grabs her phone from where she left it on the nightstand. A few unread texts but nothing too alarming. 

It feels like a slap in the face when she thinks about the last interaction she had with Sana. The desperate way she tried to salvage her chance, if she even had one to begin with. But she wasn’t going to let that be how they left things.

Going through her usual morning routine took priority though. She took her usual 20 minute shower, picked out whatever she was going to wear that day, and then makeup. Simple enough. Except for the fact that it felt like time was going 200% slower with her hangover and the embarrassment of last night. 

She’s sitting on her bed and brushing her hair when she decides she’s going to need more information before she proceeds with whatever this is. She could ask Nayeon, who was friends with absolutely everybody. But that would mean Nayeon would know what she was up to and she’d have to explain the night before. No go. Lisa? She mostly only associated with fellow greeks so she probably wouldn’t know her.

Joy cycled through everyone she could think of who would know this girl. More specifically, the “friend” that Sana had mentioned that brought her there. That would be easy enough since Yeri knew everyone. She shoots a text asking her to come over to her room, and it only takes a few minutes before the two quick knocks and turn of the knob.

“Oh, you’re looking a lot better than I expected. It kinda looked like things went downhill when you came back inside.” She’d like to believe Yeri didn’t mean the first part in a malicious way, and for the sake of conversation she chooses to ignore it.

“I don’t think you understand, Yeri. Things went terribly. I tried to get the number of this cute girl. Really cute. Not a relationship type because she definitely wasn’t in any sorority, but still cute. She shot me down horribly. I need to know who her friend was that brought her here so I can talk to her again.”

She gets a hum in reply and Yeri looks at her as if she’s waiting for something. “Well, I certainly hope you at least got her name?”

“Minatozaki Sana. She’s a senior too.” As soon as the words leave her mouth, Yeri’s eyes widen.

“Oh, no. No, no. You aren’t doing this,” Yeri brings her hands up to her face and sucks in a deep breath. “I know her. Actually, I was the friend who brought her over.”

In spite of Yeri’s mood change, Joy excitedly jumps up from the bed. “So it was you! You have to tell me her number, or get her to talk to me, or anything.”

“No, Joy. Listen to me. She’s my friend, and I’ve hooked you up with my friends before. I’m not doing that again, because quite frankly I don’t need another one of my friends momentarily hating me because they didn’t realize you don't do relationships after you’ve already hooked up.”

Joy’s crosses her arms over herself, feeling somewhat attacked. Yeri made it sound like she was the worst person on earth, and she wasn’t. “It’s not like I’m going to break her heart. I want to hook up with her, that’s it. I was drunk last night and nothing about me was charming. If I flirt with her, and lay out boundaries, it’ll be fine!”

Yeri shakes her head quickly and takes a step back towards the door. “Nope. I’m telling you, leave her alone. She’s a good person. She’s not into the stuff we are and doesn’t hang out with the people we do. This is the one time I’m asking you not to hook up with someone, because I’m usually the one pushing you to just have a little fun.”

There’s an unusually tense silence between them before Joy nods. Yeri takes that as a sign she’s truly put her foot down and Joy got the message across so she leaves.

As soon as the door is shut, Joy flops down onto her bed and pulls her pillow over her face. It was far too early to be this irritated at just about everything. But even though Yeri had given her a stern warning, Joy didn’t feel put off about it at all. If anything, part of her wanted to do it to spite Yeri and to get this rejection out of her head. 

Stay away from her, yeah right. She’d see about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this was the result of a (two month long i think) massive outline made with my co-author (we both do the thinking and i do the writing) and i've been dying to get it out. don't mind me taking creative liberties with greek life thank u it gets a little complicated and i cut some stuff for simplicity sake.
> 
> title taken from latch by sam smith. as always i'm making a playlist for this fic and the song for this chapter is wicked remix by mansionz and loote.


	2. how long until you play me the song that will make me belong to you?

Some people might call it an obsession, but Joy would call it an extreme focus on a singular person. So, yeah, obsession. But she couldn’t get this girl and that encounter out of her mind. It was hard to tell sometimes if it was because of the public embarrassment or because of her genuine attraction. 

Probably a mix of both. This girl might’ve been kind of a nerd, maybe not super popular with women, that didn’t matter to Joy though. But whatever the reasoning was, she needed to get this out of her system. Needed to hook up and get it over with, if possible.

She had thought long and hard about how to approach her. Considering Yeri declared Sana off limits, she couldn’t go the straightforward route. Whatever friends Sana had were people Joy definitely didn’t know because she didn’t often branch out outside of her already formed social circles.

It had been three days of very light Facebook stalking before the answer occurred to her. Tutoring. Based on the information she had gathered, this girl was smart. Her friends were occasionally in her comments joking about how good of a student she was and how she managed to outshine them all “without really trying."

While browsing through her twitter, she also discovered that Sana had taken some psychology classes. The chances that she’s already taken that low level course that Joy signed up for this semester were high. Truthfully, she didn’t need a tutor to pass, but she wanted to pass with a high grade. So...there would be some truth to the request she planned to make.

Everything was lining up for her. It was like the universe was telling her that this was her shot, and she maybe only had this one. So she wasn’t going to waste it, and she wasn’t going to make a fool of herself this time.

Three days of careful planning and information gathering had messed with her head and her concentration though. She was able to keep up with her studies no problem, like she always had. But she had been ignoring some of the less important texts she would normally respond to on a regular basis. She still had to figure out how she was going to reach out to Sana for her partially needed tutoring, then she would be 100% back in business.

Joy was mindlessly flipping through her psych book after her Monday morning class when seemingly out of nowhere she was falling backwards, colliding almost painfully hard with whoever was in front of her. Her phone and psych book had both slid across the floor and she was sitting there eyes shut tightly and assessing to make sure she hadn’t gotten too injured.

Nope. Her face hadn’t gotten hit, her legs were fine, and her book and forearms had taken most of the hit. Probably only slightly damaged that stupid expensive psych book she had purchased. The only thing left was to either apologize or bitch out whoever also hadn’t been paying attention when walking the halls.

Sometimes, the universe does you a solid. Sometimes, things just worked out. And this was one of those times. Because right in front of her, also on the ground, was Sana. She had a few books scattered around her and looked utterly embarrassed. Fortunately for her, embarrassed with cheeks tinged red was a cute look on her.

Joy takes it upon herself to jump up and help Sana start collecting her books, giving her a few extra seconds to think about what she was going to say in the next crucial minutes.

“You know, I didn’t think this was how we’d meet each other again but I’m not completely opposed.” The charm was flipped on in an instant, it was what she was good at. Take away everything else and she was still easily the smoothest talker around.

Sana, cheeks still showing her embarrassment, stood up before quickly brushing herself off. She makes brief eye contact before looking anywhere but Joy. “I’m so, so sorry. I really wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and I’m totally at fault and I could’ve gotten you hurt with how fast I was walking.”

Joy offloaded the books of Sana’s she had grabbed into Sana’s arms before nonchalantly waving her hand. “I wasn’t totally faultless here. I was distracted by how much I hate psych and was going through the book I got for it.” The mention of psych had Sana perk up, and Joy took note of it. “Buuut, if you really want to make it up to me, you could help me with something.”

A look of hesitation came across Sana’s face and Joy could tell she would need ease up just enough for Sana to be comfortable. Had to know not to push or flirt too hard, because Sana seemed...innocent. Maybe too innocent and pure for Joy. Sana nods slowly though, and Joy knew she finally had her foot in the door.

“It’s nothing too crazy, I swear. But I mentioned I totally hate psych earlier, right? So, if you wanted to do me a tiny favor, you’d tutor me. You’d be paid, like I would with anyone else.” Joy grins at her. It was hard not to be distracted by how cute Sana was when she wasn’t completely judging her.

“How did you know I’m good at psych though? Or good at school at all? I could be a terrible student.”

Joy laughs at that, she can’t help it. She appreciates Sana having her guards up like this and figures it’s how she weeds out people who she won’t mix well with.

“For starters, you’re friends with Yeri, and she doesn’t hang out with dumb people. I also saw that look on your face when I mentioned psych. Do you like it?”

It’s quiet for a moment before Sana clears her throat and then nods. “I kind of love it, actually. Even though it isn’t my major. How did you even notice?”

Joy shrugs and smiles. “I’m observant. I also want to make up for the last time we talked,” she adds. “Sober me can definitely hold a conversation better than the tipsy disaster you met at the party.”

She expects there to be another weird silence between them, but Sana surprises her. “Okay. I can help you with that. I work part time though, so my schedule can be kind of hectic…” She trails off and immediately pulls out her phone, presumably to look at her calendar.

Joy has to stop herself from getting too visibly giddy right then in front of her, but she manages. “My schedule is hectic too of course, but we’ll totally figure something out.” She fishes a pen out of her pocket before reaching out and gently taking Sana’s hand and jotting her number down on her wrist.

It’s only for a second, but when she’s finished and she looks back up she swears Sana was staring at her. Her head snaps in the other direction though and she pulls her wrist out of Joy’s hand. 

“Just text me your schedule and I’ll text you mine and we’ll figure out something from there.”

Presumably she has somewhere to be, because she doesn’t really give Joy a chance to say anything back before speeding off in the direction she had been originally headed. Joy is left standing there wondering what exactly that look meant, and how she could use it to her advantage.

\---

“You’re distracted.”

Joy’s head shoots up at the familiar voice to see Jennie standing there looking at her like she was trying to solve something.

“Oh, yeah I kinda am. Sorry,” she sheepishly scratches her head and flips her phone screen so it’s facing away from Jennie. “Is it that noticeable?” 

Jennie hums and takes a seat next to Joy on the couch. “You’ve been staring at your phone for the past few days like you’re waiting for something. New fling?”

Her last question left a certain tension in the air. Jennie and Joy had remained friends after the messy final breakup she had with Irene, but Joy was very aware of where Jennie’s loyalty remained.

“No, just…a lot on my plate right now. Waiting for my tutor to text me back.” Technically true. Her and Sana weren’t really anything she could put a label on currently, besides tutor.

“Wow, our genius president needs a tutor. Never thought I’d see the day.”

Joy lets out a humorless laugh. “I’m surprisingly not perfect. Not a social sciences girl.” 

She wants to say something else, anything else really, to fill the silence when her phone suddenly dings. The notification nearly makes her jump out of her seat, but she manages to keep her cool knowing her ex’s best friend is sitting directly next to her.

Sana: _Tomorrow at 5? I get out at 3 and will be back around 4._

Joy: _Works for me. We could do it at my house? :)_

Sana: _Lol. The library works just fine_

Not ideal. But it was a start.

\---

There wasn’t a lot that could make Joy nervous, and she could confidently say rarely anything did get a reaction out of her like that. But for some reason now, she finds herself constantly checking and rechecking herself on her phone camera. She had thankfully found a nice corner in the back of the library though, so at least people wouldn’t see her like this.

But it definitely wasn’t because of Sana. Because she did not get nervous over girls. Even if they looked as good as that.

It was 4:55 and she wasn’t there. Which was fine. They agreed on 5pm. But Joy definitely took her for someone who would be super early everywhere no matter where it was. 

She starts refreshing her social media over and over when she hears a loud thump directly behind her and some shuffling. She turns her head to the side and sees Sana rummaging through her backpack on the ground, before pulling out a worn out book and a few supplies. Sana gives her a small smile before dropping her things on the table next to Joy.

“Hi, glad you’re here on time. Thought you’d maybe show up fashionably late.”

Joy knows it’s a joke, but she raises a brow. “Maybe I’m not the person you think I am.”

Sana doesn’t look at her as she sits down and pulls her pencils out. She starts flipping through the pages.

“So...how do you know Yeri?” Joy decides not to waste any time. It wasn’t anything too bold or out there, but she was curious. There was a lot about Sana that she wanted to know.

Sana looks at her skeptically. Her eyes scan Joy’s face looking for something, but Joy isn’t sure what. She seems to give in as she leans back ever so slightly in the library chair.

“Last year. Through an...a mutual friend.” Joy doesn’t miss the pause and redirect. “I was hanging out with the mutual friend and Yeri happened to tag along. We were friends from there.”

She’s dying to ask who the mutual friend was. Maybe it wouldn’t have been such a big deal if she hadn’t noticed Sana had been avoiding saying something. But Joy is observant, and a bit nosy on top of that. She decides not to ask though, she’ll find out later one way or another.

“That’s cool. Yeri does have the habit of befriending everyone. I think she’s probably two degrees of separation away from anybody who’s ever gone to school here. You don’t seem the type to really hang out with Yeri’s usual type of friends though. Or come to our parties.”

Sana smiles at Joy and adjusts her glasses. “You’re right about that. I’m not the type, usually. But I know how to have fun, you know? I’m not the loner nerd some people might make me out to be. I’m a 20 year old in college, after all.”

Ouch. That feels a little direct. She definitely picked up on the fact that Joy pegged her for a geeky antisocial type who got dragged to her party against her will. 

It lapses into a slightly less awkward silence between them again. At least less awkward than before. She wants to flirt, to make her intentions clear. Simultaneously though, she doesn’t want to scare her off. Some girls weren’t a fan of the blunt approach. Some girls took time. Maybe that’s what Sana needed.

Joy looks at the book number Sana has her book open to and also flips to it. She gives Sana a soft smile. “So, where do we start?”

\---

The door clicks softly behind her and she drops her bag on the ground before throwing herself onto her bed.

She knows she shouldn’t be as frustrated as she is. She’s barely invested any time into whatever she’s doing with Sana. But in her defense, it never takes her this long with anyone. With Joy and girls it’s always a couple flirty texts, a few talks, and then the hook up. With guys, it’s even less time.

Truthfully, she can’t even tell what Sana thinks of her. At the very least, she doesn’t hate her. But does she like her as a person? Is she attracted to her? She has to be something to be entertaining Joy’s obvious flirtations and attempts like this.

She’s ready to get into the shower when she hears a soft knock at the door. Joy gets up to open the door herself and she finds Irene by herself at the door.

Not the best time for this at all, she thinks. But she’s here and she isn’t going to shoo her out. Irene gives her a forced smile before they both walk over to Joy’s bed to sit down.

“You’ve been ignoring my texts.” Irene’s voice is small, wounded. Joy feels a pang of guilt. She didn’t hate Irene, not really. She didn’t think she could. They were friends before they ever dated.

“I’m sorry,” Joy says while running her hands through her hair. “I’ve been distracted by a lot of things. I didn’t mean to ignore them for this long, I swear.”

Irene nods. “I understand. Everyone on the board is busy, including me. You just never used to ignore me for this long.”

She doesn’t like where this is going. It feels like a guilt trip, even though she’s right. “Well, that was when we were dating.”

“And when we used to be friends.”

Joy sighs and puts her hand on Irene’s knee. She wants to at least comfort her, even if she can’t give her everything she wants. 

“We’re still friends. I swear. I just haven’t been a good one,” she leaves out the fact that she had been partially avoiding her because Irene was trying to get back with her. It’s easier just to apologize and move forward.

Irene nods again and puts her hand on top of Joy’s. Oh, Joy _really_ did not like that. They may have been broken up, but Joy wasn’t blind. She knew how good looking her ex was, which was part of the reason she had been avoiding her. She didn’t want to fall back into the toxic cycle that their relationship was.

They would have a good, solid month. Then, they would have a huge blowout fight over something that at the end of the day didn’t really matter to either of them. Finally, they’d reconcile by having great sex and acting like the fight never even happened in the first place. It was the same thing for the entire year they dated.

She cared about Irene, a lot. Which is why she couldn’t keep subjecting either of them to this. Joy was going to have to be the one to end the cycle for good. Which was easier said than done.

Joy doesn’t know how long it’s been quiet, or how long Irene has been staring at her mouth. She goes to say something and her mouth is dry, and she’s also way too close to Irene right now. 

There has to be a moment where she gets up and tells Irene to have a good night, or when she pulls away and reaffirms that they’re never going to be anything more than friends ever again. But that moment never comes.

When Irene leans in and kisses her, she freezes. A million thoughts are going through her head. Most of which consist of the fact that she is so stupid for letting herself be put in this position in the first place when she knew how Irene felt.

Part of her wishes she could feel something from this kiss other than the physical attraction that’s always been there. But she doesn’t. Everything about it is stiff and lifeless.

After Joy doesn’t really respond at all, Irene pulls away. Joy knew she would after all. Irene may have been trying desperately to get them back together, but she’d never push Joy. She’d never do something that would cross a line.

Irene looks at her with wide eyes and waits for her to say something. That wounded look about her again. Joy hates getting used to seeing that look on her face because of her. 

She just shakes her head and pulls her hand out from under Irene’s. “I’m sorry,” she whispers while looking down at her hands. Joy does everything in her power not to look at her, to not feel guilt.

Her ex doesn’t say anything else to her, but Joy sees her get up out of the corner of her eye and head towards the door. The door closes gently. Irene was never the type of person to slam a door out of anger, but just now Joy almost wishes she had been.

She doesn’t let herself sit with her thoughts for too long before she gets up and heads towards her original plan of getting in the shower and just forget her day's worth of frustration. And now, she just has one more thing to worry about on top of everything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update just a bit shorter this time! sorry. chapter 3 will be a bit longer i think. 
> 
> for visual reference this is bad boy era joy and likey era sana (but with the glasses).
> 
> song for this chapter is play by jax jones and years & years


	3. could i ever do enough (to make you feel the way you want to feel)

Joy should not be this distracted by this girl, seriously. They had gotten a few weeks into tutoring and she had found it increasingly difficult to let herself be tutored. There had been some subtle flirting at first as she tried to figure out the type of girl Sana was. But the comments she made had seemingly gone over Sana’s head. That or she was ignoring it.

Here she was now, watching as Sana’s lips move and completely unable to process anything she was saying. If any of her friends had been able to watch, they’d all laugh at her. Make some jokes, tell her how bad she had it for this girl. But so what? 

She didn’t consider herself someone who needed sex to survive. But she enjoyed it. And she was good at it, which wasn’t something she was shallow enough to openly boast about. She hadn’t really been with anyone since her and Irene had broken up because nobody had caught her eye and kept her interested. So to be this interested physically in someone for this long seems like a sign to her. To get it out of her system and then never speak of it again.

Sure she liked Sana as a person so far. But there was nothing there to suggest she should date her, or even that Sana would want to date her considering how long the process was taking just to sleep with her. 

It takes a second for Joy to realize Sana was asking her something as she snapped out of her thoughts.

“Do you want to take a break?” Sana smiles at her and taps the table with her pencil. “You seem really distracted and kind of spacing out. We’ve gotten a lot done today and the last time we met up so I think you’ve earned a break.”

Joy smiles back and nods, leaning back in her chair as Sana hums to herself and closes the book she had been using.

It had gotten slightly easier to be around each other without talking, but there was still so much Joy wanted to know about her. Who she was in general, and who exactly introduced her to Yeri.

“So, Minatozaki is a Japanese name right? What brings you out here?”

Sana doesn’t seem surprised at Joy’s question and simply nods. “I decided to go to college here after doing an exchange program in high school. I enjoyed my time here a lot and knew it was where I wanted to be. Even if my parents wanted to stay back in Japan.”

Everything about Sana is so soft. So thoughtful. It made Joy want to be around her all the time. Joy wonders if it was normal to feel that way about people you just wanted to hook up with.

“That’s really cool, you know. It’s hard to leave your family. I could never leave my sisters behind like that.” Joy ever so slightly moves closer to Sana, scooting her chair just a bit nearer. 

“You have sisters?” Sana seems genuinely curious, which seems like a good sign.

Joy grins before nodding. “Yep. I’m the oldest. Two younger sisters. They’re a pain but I take care of them when I’m around.”

Was Sana always this close? Joy can’t tell if it was her who leaned closer or it was Sana. Either way, she’s definitely way more in her space than before. Sana’s angled towards her now, leaning slightly forward on the table in front of them.

“You don’t seem like the responsible oldest sister type.” Oh, and she’s smirking. So she’s got jokes, apparently.

“I think there’s a lot of things about me that would surprise you.” Joy’s voice automatically lowers. This is her game and she knows how to play it. So, it should be easy now to seal the deal and kiss her. If she kisses her it’ll be the last step, and right now Sana is close enough for just that.

Joy reaches forward and gently brushes a strand of Sana’s hair behind her ear, and she thinks she finally has it. But she doesn’t. Sana suddenly scoots her chair backwards away from Joy. Sana’s hands are tightly gripping the edges of the chair and she’s got her mouth opened like there’s something she’s dying to say.

Joy blinks, sitting there completely dumbfounded. Sana doesn’t say anything else before grabbing all her stuff, shoving it in her bag, and walking straight out of the library.

This week could not get any worse. Probably.

\---

The way they left things, Joy wasn’t sure Sana was ever going to tutor her again. But here they were. 

Neither of them had brought up the incident, and Joy knew she absolutely had no desire to talk it out so she wasn’t exactly upset. Frankly, she was just confused. Was she misreading signs? Was Sana not the one who had gotten closer to her during the last session? Joy wasn’t stupid, she knew when someone was telling you to go away with their body language. So, what was it exactly that Sana was doing?

“Are you even listening to me?”

Joy looks over from where her head was propped on her hands. Truthfully, no she wasn’t. Between their weird encounter and the way things had been going for her lately at the sorority, she was exhausted. Physically and mentally.

“I’m sorry. I’ve just been...overworked lately.” Which was true.

Sana snorts. “Very surprising you know what that's like.”

It could’ve been another joke, but Joy bristles. She immediately sits straight up and narrows her eyes at her. “What does that mean?”

She gets a glance from Sana before she looks back down at her book. “I just mean, everyone talks about how you got into this school. With your family’s money. It’s easier for some people in certain situations.”

She strikes a nerve. Joy clenches her jaw and her whole body feels tight. She has to control herself from completely lashing out. Knows this isn’t the time or place to make a scene. 

“Just so you know, all those rumors about my family being insanely rich are just that. Overblown rumors started by people who don’t know me with nothing better to do. I’ve had to work extremely hard to get everything I ever wanted. My car, my college acceptance, my presidency…” ‘You’, she almost adds.

Sana’s eyes go wide and she has the decency to look embarrassed. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Really, I didn’t. I should’ve known better than to listen to people who weren't you, about you. I just didn’t think of it as...a negative thing. But I get how people twist it against you.”

Joy deflates a bit. Sana seems...genuine. She didn’t want this to be bigger than it was. It was a misunderstanding, at most. But Joy has a few sore spots, and that was one of them.

“It’s fine, you didn’t know and weren’t trying to hurt me.” Joy rubs her face and starts grabbing all her supplies. She’s ready just to get out, go home, and possibly never be heard from again. She moves to grab her bag when Sana’s hand shoots out and softly grabs her wrist.

Joy can’t hide how surprised she is, but Sana’s looking up at her with pleading eyes and she feels her stomach twist. “No, I’m really _really_ sorry. Please don’t leave. Or at least, if you do, let me make it up to you some other way.”

She wants to say no, she really does. She wants to yank her wrist out of Sana’s hand and just walk out of the library with what little dignity she has left after this week.

“Okay.”

\---

It turns out, she didn’t really want to ask Sana for much. She asks her if they can start tutoring at the sorority house, preferably in Joy’s room away from the noise of whatever else was going in the living room on any given day. Sana agreed pretty quickly.

Her motive behind asking her to come over to her house instead wasn’t _entirely_ greasy. Really. She had also gotten tired of having to drag herself to the library every time on top of her packed schedule. If anything, it was convenient for her. Sana owed her anyway.

It had been easier than Joy would’ve thought to get back into their routine. Sana seems eager to leave whatever happened between them the last two times in the past. Joy is completely fine with that.

They get a lot done their first tutoring session in Joy’s room and Sana seems pleased with it. She had suggested a break and Joy had gladly agreed and gone to get them both something to drink.

She was humming to herself and searching through the fridge for anything good when she jumps at the sound of the voice suddenly behind her.

“Who’s upstairs in your room right now and why are you down here? Also, ew Joy, middle of the day for bringing a girl over? At least wait until after 5pm. 8pm preferred.”

Nayeon is standing there leaning over the kitchen island with a shit eating grin. Tzuyu is leaning against the wall, definitely listening but pretending not to listen while doing something on her phone.

Joy shuts the fridge door before glaring at Nayeon and walking over to the cabinet to grab two glasses. “For your information, she’s tutoring me. Nothing else.” Not a lie. It wasn’t anything else yet.

She gets an eye roll out of Nayeon and Tzuyu looks up for a brief second before looking back down at her phone.

“Ooh, a tutor. You’re practically a genius so I doubt you need a tutor. Definitely the sexy kind of tutor I’m guessing. Very cliche of you, Joy.”

Joy wants to roll her eyes back at her but instead proceeds to take the two glasses she has in her hands and fill them with the filtered fridge water. “You wouldn’t be bothering this much if your little fling had called you back.”

An offended sound comes out of Nayeon’s mouth. “Rude! Jihyo absolutely called me back. Just because I’m not making out with her every waking second doesn’t mean we aren’t still hooking up. We both have our sorority duties to attend to.”

Joy turns around and sets the glasses on the kitchen island. “Is that code for she was too busy to hang out with you tonight?”

Tzuyu can’t stifle her giggle at Joy hitting the nail right on the head. Nayeon starts fake coughing and clearing her throat. 

“Okay, enough of that. At least tell me the girl upstairs is cute and you didn’t bring home some weirdo you found playing some video games in the school library.”

Joy groans. Nayeon was a great friend but this was exactly the kind of thing she’d do that would drive Joy crazy. Pry just a little too much, even with good intentions. 

“She’s very cute. Now, please leave me alone and text your girlfriend while I continue to be a dedicated student. Upstairs. Away from you.”

Nayeon laughs lightly and shakes her head before pushing herself away from the island and walking back out to the living room. Tzuyu just gives Joy a small smile and nod before following after Nayeon.

She was a little annoyed. Because if Nayeon was here trying to find out information about who was in her room, that means the others were too. Or at least one of them. Tzuyu most likely had been dragged along in an attempt to not seem suspicious. But she’d have to try a little harder than that next time.

Joy comes back in through her door and sees Sana standing up and looking at the small section of her wall that had pictures pinned to it. She had a few of her and her sisters, but most of them were her and the other girls in the sorority. She seems fixated on a particular one in the corner though, but as soon as Joy clears her throat, Sana jumps back.

Joy walks over to her side table and places the glasses of water down. She drops down onto her bed and halfway lays down with her feet touching the floor and the other half of her body on the bed. She pats the space next to her. Sana slowly makes her way over to her and sits down, although slightly farther from where Joy had patted.

“Do you like them?” Sana glances at her, before looking back at her wall of photos once again.

“They’re nice. I think it’s nice to collect memories like that. Almost makes me wish I had done the same thing.”

Joy tries to figure out what one she’s looking at, but peers up at Sana. She seems lost in thought now. Something she’s been doing more and more around Joy.

“Who is that? You two seem close.” Sana finally points out the one she had been looking at.

A photo of her and Irene from last year. Makes sense that she’d ask. Most of the photos up there are of her and Yeri or her and her sisters. A few of her and the other girls on the board. But a lot more of her and Irene she had yet to take down.

“Irene. We...were close. She’s still on the board here and lives here. We kinda had a falling out and don’t really talk that much anymore.” That was definitely one way to say she had dumped Irene after a year of a terrible relationship.

Sana doesn’t really say anything in reply to that but she taps her fingers against the side of the bed and glances at Joy’s makeup set before looking back at Joy.

“What’s your makeup routine like? You’re always so done up...and I mean that in a way that is only a total compliment.”

Joy pushes herself up so she’s leaning back on her elbows. “It’s nothing too crazy. It used to take me longer but I’ve got it down to a science now…,” she pauses. “Do you wanna see? I could try it on you, if you like. I’ll only go through the basics.”

Sana nods and Joy doesn’t hesitate to gently grab her hand and pull her along over to her mirror. She gently guides Sana into her chair and Sana complies.

The closeness and short lived contact with Sana reminds her of why she was here in the first place, aside from the flimsy excuse about needing a tutor. She couldn’t lose focus. She had to do more than what she had been currently doing because she couldn’t keep chasing Sana forever.

Joy picks an eyeliner pencil she had already sharpened but hadn’t used on herself yet. She doesn’t have to ask Sana much, because she’s clearly done this before and is already looking down before Joy even has to ask. She carefully uses her thumb to pull up the skin by her brow so she can smoothly apply the eyeliner.

This part doesn’t feel exactly like the sexy seduction Joy had envisioned in her head, but applying eyeliner in general was not really a sexy activity.

Sana is mostly quiet except for a few hums every now and then. Doesn’t say much when Joy applies her mascara either and Joy wonders if she said or did something wrong. Sana usually has a lot to say, always bubbly and talkative minus the weird moments she gets caught in with Joy. Which there seemed to be an increasing amount of lately.

Joy has a million thoughts going through her head as she finishes most of the routine. Mainly involving how pretty Sana looks, and the fact that none of it had to do with the makeup she applied and everything to do with how good she looked naturally.

Joy decides that now is the moment, that she has to get it over with, again.

“How are you feeling so far? Not too much?”

Sana looks over at her and shakes her head quickly. “No, it looks really good. Are we done?”

“Nope, one last step. Then you’re free, I promise.”

Joy pulls out a neutral pink lipstick, a shade she knew would look particularly good on the girl. She uncaps it and gently takes Sana’s chin in her hand while leaning in close. A grin comes across her face when she notices how red Sana’s face is, which definitely didn’t come from anything she applied to her.

She takes her time, going slowly to apply it while suggestively moving her tongue across her own lips. Really, if this didn’t work then nothing will.

It doesn’t take all that long to finish, but Joy’s hand doesn’t pull away from Sana’s face. She rubs her thumb across Sana’s chin and Sana makes no move to pull away, even though she’s purposely looking anywhere but Joy.

Even though she’s still avoiding any kind of eye contact, Sana stands up from the chair and Joy lets her hand drop down to her side. She’s flustered. She starts muttering something about how she’s late for something or other and that she’d text Joy when she had an opportunity for their next tutoring date.

“Sana,” Joy says it as softly as she can while still firm enough to get her attention. Sana’s finally looking at her wide eyed and nervous blush spread across her cheeks. Joy waits a moment before softly grabbing her arm and pulling her close to her. She moves that same arm up and gently plays with the end of Sana’s hair, while slowly moving her head down just a touch. She doesn’t want to aggressively go for it and hurt Sana, she’s not that kind of person. She wants to meet halfway and know that Sana wants it as much as she does.

Joy has to pretend that her heart isn’t beating ridiculously fast right now, and that this is just like every other conquest to her.

But it isn’t. Because the thing that only ever happens with Sana is happening, again. It takes her just a second to register that Sana is silently shaking her head and moving backwards towards Joy’s bed.

Oh, Joy is absolutely sick. She feels frozen there watching Sana grab her things and pull her bag over her shoulder.

She’s looking at her with...pity? She can’t tell. “I’m sorry.” Sana is out the door and closes it behind her.

If she hadn’t felt like a complete and total fool before, she does now. She wants to scream into her pillow because she doesn’t understand what exactly she’s doing wrong, or what signs she’s misreading. She’s never failed so hard at something she’s allegedly good at before and it feels like a complete humiliation, even if she and Sana were the only two people who knew.

And maybe this was a sign. A different one than she had thought she had gotten before. Maybe it was time to just throw in the towel. Because whatever she was doing was definitely going to completely blow up in her face if she kept pushing.

\---

For the first time in a long time, the house is almost completely quiet. The girls had been in the groupchat earlier talking about going to some other party at another sorority or frat. Joy didn’t know all the details, because honestly she wasn’t paying that much attention.

She had come up with the excuse that she hadn’t felt well and the girls seemed to buy it and wished her well before they all headed out. Yeri had texted her aside from that asking if she was alright, and Joy simply sent a thumbs up emoji in reply.

Joy knows how it’ll look if she makes this a continuous thing. Skipping on non mandatory hangouts is frowned upon even if nobody will kick up a fuss about it. Especially considering she was the president, but that’ll only get her so many get out of jail free cards. But even then she can’t really make herself care. She hasn’t been slipping in her duties, so what does it matter if she misses one party that isn’t even being held at their house? They’ll be fine. And so will she.

Joy finds all of this stupid, really. All of it. Her friends and their growing concern, whatever the hell was happening with Sana, and her own frustration because of it. She hated that this girl has her feeling this discombobulated. Not only did she have her feeling confused and all over the place, she can’t imagine how it looks to someone like Sana to have her continuously fumbling her chances like this.

She’d found some dumb show to watch in the living room while she’s stretched across the couch. Some corny drama where it feels like someone is crying almost every scene. It’s not the type of thing she’d usually enjoy watching but she’s not really watching it anyway.

It feels like the show drags on forever and it’s getting more difficult with each passing second to keep her eyes open. She thinks the lack of sleep is finally catching up to her as she moves herself around ever so slightly to find the most comfortable position. Maybe a nap will be good, she reasons with herself. She’d be up by the time anyone got home and nobody would comment on why she’s on the couch by herself on a Friday night with a mopey drama playing in the background.

Her eyelids are getting heavier and she lets herself be pulled to sleep, all wrapped up in her blanket. It doesn’t last for long though when she hears the knob of the front door start turning and she bolts upright. She’s not ready for the loud group to come back, and they’re home weirdly early.

But there’s no chatter that follows the door opening. Just a few quiet movements and the door closing. When she sees Irene come around the corner, she can’t decide if she’s relieved or not. 

Irene is all dressed up and Joy can’t lie to herself about how good she looks. She never had to really try that hard to catch every eye in the room, even if she had argued otherwise.

They make eye contact and it feels like neither of them really know what to say. Their last run in had ended poorly, which was nothing new between them. But they can still have civil conversations, they’re both adults.

Joy clears her throat. “Hey. What are you doing back so soon?”

Irene shrugs and makes her way over to the couch while Joy moves to make space for her. “Got a headache. Didn’t feel like being out when it was really just everyone on the lookout for hookups. Nobody there I was interested in.”

Joy nods in understanding while avoiding the implications of the last part added on. “Yeah I wasn’t really feeling it tonight either.”

To her surprise, Irene looks at her and actually smiles. “I can see that. You don’t seem sick to me though.”

Irene was smart. She had always seen right through Joy, and she had probably known since before they left she wasn’t actually sick. But it didn’t take someone as smart as her to figure that out.

“Well…,” she scratches her head sheepishly. “I’m just not feeling up to it. I’m not vomiting type of sick or anything. Needed at least a few hours just to be by myself and clear my head.” 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Joy feels her stomach twist because Irene is here and she’s giving her this soft and sincere look and she can’t ignore it when it’s right in front of her. It makes her think of how things were between them at the start of their relationship. Simple.

She decides that she has three choices right now. One, that she tells Irene that she’s too tired and that she’s going to go upstairs and just go to bed for the night. Two, they have a nice heart to heart discussion. Three, she blows off the steam she’s been desperately looking to release.

“We don’t have to talk at all,” Joy murmurs while subtly moving closer. Irene looks like she’s hurt by it at first, probably taking that as ‘I don’t want to talk to you whatsoever.’ But she starts to understand when Joy is moving closer and she puts one of her hands on her waist to pull her closer.

She knows Irene wants it, but she still gets a questioning look from her. She doesn’t blame her, she’d want to understand too. But she doesn’t want to take the time now to explain how she can only stand the humiliation of subtle rejection so many times before she’s fed up. How even right now she’s still thinking about Sana and how bad it felt for her to walk out of her room the other day.

So, she doesn’t explain. Doesn’t offer any real answers. She just leans in and kisses her.

Irene doesn’t waste any time at all, and she kisses back with equal force. Joy pulls her in closer and Irene’s hands find their way to the sides of Joy’s face. Irene’s mouth is familiar, soft. She never had to worry about faking the physical stuff with her. They were good at it. She doesn’t have to feel anything romantic for her to want to do this.

Joy pulls away briefly so she can stand up and pull Irene up with her. She doesn’t wait for Irene to ask what she’s doing before she’s wordlessly pulling her to her bedroom by her wrist.

Everything in her body is screaming at her to let go of Irene, to not do this. But she doesn’t care. Doesn’t care about any of it or what consequences she’ll have to deal with in the morning because for once she just wants to do the reckless thing.

So she does.

\---

When she wakes up, two things are apparent to her. The first is that it’s still dark. The second is that Irene chose not to stay at all and probably went straight back to her room. There was no chatter outside her door and no sounds of movements so it was either still fairly early and they weren’t home yet or everyone was already sleeping.

Joy pushes herself up and leans against her headboard. She feels a slight throb in her head and takes a deep breath when she reaches over for her phone. 1am, but no missed calls or unread texts.

She’s a little surprised Irene left immediately after and didn’t text her or wake her up or anything. Realizing that Irene probably figured out that sleeping together now didn’t mean what she wants it to mean does nothing to help the growing feeling of guilt inside her.

She never wanted to hurt Irene, but she always did somehow. Whether it was this, or dumping her, or always fighting with her when they dated, she was always hurting someone that used to be one of the only people she truly trusted.

She figures she’ll have to tell Yeri, because she doesn’t want her to hear it from anyone else. She’ll get yelled at for it, but she probably kinda deserves that. Irene probably wouldn’t personally tell anyone other than Jennie, but who knows if the word will get out anyway.

If it does she knows exactly how it’ll go. Everyone will snicker and ask her if they’re getting back together, because the president’s business is somehow everyone’s business. The thought of it makes the throb in the back of her head hurt even more.

When she decided to sleep with her she thought the consequences wouldn’t matter and that the only thing she cared about was releasing her tension and frustration over the Sana situation. Because Sana was really nobody to her anyway, right? That’s what she’s going to tell herself.

This week definitely got worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorrrrrry this one took a bit longer but it WAS a little longer, as promised. and yeah joy is kind of an idiot occasionally in this story, oops.
> 
> thanks to user jeongsa who i consulted on makeup related things (even tho i did my best to skip over it LMAO)
> 
> song for this chapter is comfortable by lauv


	4. just pull me under

“You did what?”

A beat passes and Yeri looks at Joy like she’s expecting her to elaborate but she doesn’t. Sitting there awkwardly, scratching her head.

“So I’m gonna ask again, you did _what?_ ” 

Joy starts rubbing her face and lets out the breath she had been holding in while waiting for Yeri to yell at her. “I slept with Irene.”

Yeri sits there with her hands clasped and her lips pursed. Joy feels so sure that she’s thinking of what name to call her right now, which in all fairness, she totally and completely deserves.

“Why?”

Well, there was the question of the year. “Uh..,” she reasons with herself quickly that she can tell more of her half truths. No need to lie, completely. “It was a spur of the moment thing, really. I had a bad week and needed to blow off steam and it just kinda...happened.”

Yeri rolls her eyes. “Well, you’re an idiot. A huge idiot. Have you talked to her at all since last night?”

“No, she hasn’t tried to talk to me, and she didn’t stick around afterwards.”

“Oh, nice going. She obviously knows you used her for sex!”

Joy stands up, suddenly feeling very defensive of herself. She knows she’s wrong, but she still doesn't want to hear it. “She knew what she was doing! I never claimed I wanted to get back together and made it clear it wasn’t happening many times before.”

Yeri groans. “You knew what you were doing too! I’m telling you all of this because I’m your best friend. You know you don’t want to get back with her, so don’t give her any hope. You aren’t usually this reckless, even when it comes to hookups so I don’t know what you were thinking.”

It’s one of those moments where Joy just wants to run and hide but she knows she has to stop defending herself. Because in reality, Yeri would be even angrier if she knew the other reason she needed to destress. 

“You’re right,” Joy inhales deeply before sitting back next to Yeri. “But I was thinking, I just didn’t care.”

Joy falls back against her bed and she hears Yeri sigh. She knows there has to be more she wants to say to her, and that Yeri is disappointed. Aside from Yeri being kinda friends with Irene, she was always trying to keep relations peaceful between all members of the household. This definitely wasn’t something that would help...anything.

“Joy, I need you to promise me this won’t happen again. I know I’m the one telling you to just do and not think but this...is not what I meant. I was thinking something more like, go hookup with someone cute and don’t create a bigger mess out of something that was already a huge mess. Think I need to be more clear next time.”

Maybe this is what she needs. To never accidentally lead Irene on again, and to completely drop her interest in Sana. Yeri didn’t know the second part and wasn’t telling her to stop, sure. But she had already told her not to and it wasn’t going well, so maybe Yeri was actually just right about everything.

She shuts her eyes tightly and nods. “I’m not gonna do it again.”

“Okay...and that’s what you said the hundred other times you swore up and down you weren’t gonna get back together with her. I’m gonna need a solid promise on your end.”

God knows a promise couldn’t stop her stupid decisions at the rate she was going, but it would never hurt to try.

“I promise I’m not going to lead Irene on. Again. And I’ll get around to apologizing to her, I swear.”

She opens her eyes and looks over at Yeri, but Yeri is just looking at the wall blankly and nodding along. Joy wants her to say something, anything.

“If you do this again, you know I get to punch you really hard in the arm. Right? Because I will. It’s in the best friend contract.”

And there it was. She knew Yeri was at least partially serious, but there was humor mixed in there too. It meant that Yeri wasn’t completely ready to throw her on her ass. When they both devolve into a fit of giggles, she knows things will be fine.

\---

It had been almost a week and she and Sana still hadn’t had a full conversation or met up again for tutoring.

She wasn’t really sure what to say at this point even if she had wanted to text her, which she didn’t. Was she supposed to bring up the fact that she had kind of gone for a kiss on two separate occasions and was shot down both times? Or the fact that whatever vibes Sana was giving off were seriously messing with her head?

She was starting to plan out how the rest of this situation would go. She would simply tell Sana her services weren’t needed anymore and that she would do fine for the rest of her class, and then they would never speak again. If they saw each other, she would walk right by like they had never even met in the first place. Seemed like a foolproof plan to her.

Except for the fact that after nearly a week of not communicating, Sana was texting her now.

Sana: _Meetup for tutoring soon?_

Joy was baffled. What could this girl possibly want from her? It’s not like she was making insane amounts of money from these tutoring sessions, and she had told her she had a job already. So if it wasn’t about the money what was it about? Surely it couldn’t be about helping her, because it would take a truly insane person to want to be around the person you very blatantly shot down.

Joy: _Can’t. Sick_

Sana: _Oh :( feel better soon!!_

She stupidly found the emoji cute. She couldn’t even believe herself. But it was whatever. Starting from today she planned to get herself back on track. She was going to be the new her, or old her, depending on how you wanted to view it.

To start off her day and this new determination, she was going to go get some kind of coffee drink. She really wasn’t much of a coffee drinker or anything, but she felt like she had earned it today. Something large, definitely with more espresso than usual.

Joy is halfway distracted by her phone by the time she gets up to the counter. The coffee shop isn’t too busy, but instead warm and comfortable. She takes a mental note that this could be a great place to come relax without anybody bothering her.

“What can I get for you today?”

The voice from the cashier is upbeat, cute. And the cashier is actually just as cute. Joy is sure she’s never met this girl, but she’s given a once over and there’s a hint of amusement behind her eyes.

“Uh...iced americano. Largest you can make it. Easy on the ice. And my name is Joy.”

A look that Joy can’t quite figure out flashes across the girl’s face and she hums to herself as she taps carefully on the register.

“Well Joy, great news for you today. Your drink is on me, because you look like you’re a bit distracted and might need it.”

Joy’s eyebrows furrow and she doesn’t want to appear ungrateful but she’s completely confused. The person before her looked like a zombie and they had definitely just paid for their drink. Was the girl flirting with her?

“Oh, uh…,” her eyes scan her shirt for a name tag, but the girl doesn’t seem to be wearing one. “Thank you…?”

The girl gives her a wide grin. “Jisoo. I never wear my name tag. Mostly because I never remember to bring it with me.”

So, this girl was very cute and very friendly. But nothing about her gave off the flirting vibe. Maybe Joy just wasn’t in the right head space to receive those kinds of signals even if she was.

Joy nods and starts digging around her purse for some extra cash, dropping whatever she had left in the tip jar. Jisoo gives her one last grin before motioning to the end of the very long counter, where the rest of the customers went to pick up their drinks.

It doesn’t take long for Joy to get distracted by her phone again while she slowly walks to the other side of the counter. The barista at the end seems to be enjoying a conversation with one of the other customers. Everything about today seems...nice. It feels like she can finally just relax, even for a minute.

Until she hears the door behind her ding, and a familiar voice.

“Sorry I’m late!” The voice, while being sweet and soft, manages to hit her in the face like a bucket of ice water.

Joy freezes. There is absolutely no way this is happening to her right now. Her? Of all people? She manages to slowly turn and see Jisoo smiling while making a fake angry face at Sana who keeps walking past and heads into the back of the shop.

So this is where she worked, and where she could never come back again.

Sana doesn’t come out right away and Joy feels herself getting impatient to get her drink, even though there are a few people ahead of her. The barista at the end, apparently named Wendy, isn’t going too slow really. But Joy needs her to hurry up anyway.

Her wishes lead to nothing though, because a few minutes later, Sana steps out. She’s got an apron on, with her hair tied back, and a baseball cap. Joy had no idea a work outfit could look so good on someone.

Joy attempts to hide herself and turns to face away from the counter but it’s no use when Wendy calls out her name and she sees a figure out of the corner of her eye whip around.

She grinds her teeth and turns back around, nodding politely to Wendy before grabbing her americano and finally making eye contact with Sana.

“Sick, huh?” Sana’s words seem more neutral than they usually do. Or something. It’s not anger, but not completely amusement. Maybe an in-between.

Joy laughs nervously. She can’t even pretend she’s gotten better since she sent that text, considering it was less than an hour ago. She really needed just to stop answering texts she didn’t want to answer. “Yeah, uh...sorry. I made it up because that’s my go to excuse to get out of things. But I just don’t have time this week, I hope you understand.”

Sana nods slowly, seeming to accept that as an actual answer. “You could’ve just told me.”

Joy goes to make up a sufficient excuse for herself when she sees Sana is...pouting? Now this was definitely going to send her head for a spin. Being absolutely overwhelmed by the sight in front of her, she quickly nods in place of an answer.

They’re both kind of just standing there awkwardly for a moment, before Wendy clears her throat and Joy realizes what’s going on before moving out of the way so Wendy can hand off her next drink.

The other customer leaves and the waiting area just has Joy left. She notices Wendy take a quick look between her, Sana, and Jisoo before going into the back. Joy walks back up to where Sana is still standing.

“I’m sorry I made up a dumb excuse. But I’m free...next week? I can text you tomorrow with day and time.” Oh no, this is not how this was supposed to go. This should’ve been the moment where she cuts all ties and makes her getaway.

But Sana smiles her warm smile at her and Joy’s stomach flips like it always does.

“I’ll see you then.”

Joy nods and starts walking towards the door. She takes a quick glance back and she can see Jisoo smugly saying something to Sana who is definitely blushing. Weird.

\---

After the second almost kiss and Nayeon’s complete lack of respect for her privacy, Joy had felt like the house wasn’t the best idea for studying at the moment. It seemed to her like maybe the library was okay for them, all things considered.

Joy is surprised to see Sana leaning against the wall by the front entrance of the library. Sana catches sight of her and waves her over.

“Hey so...the library is kinda full today. It’s a little obnoxious in there, actually.”

Joy raises a brow and goes over to the door, peeking her head inside. Oh, yup. Strangely more people than usual, and it wasn’t exactly quiet. She wanted to tell Sana she was fine with that, that they’d probably still be able to find a spot. But Sana seemed to have other plans.

Sana twiddles her thumbs. “I know it isn’t ideal but I figured we could study somewhere else. Again, not ideal, but I thought maybe we could go to my work? It’s not that full on Monday around this time, and we wouldn’t have to worry about needing to find somewhere to get food.”

Joy feels the gears in her brain turning, unable to understand what exactly Sana is trying to do. Her tone almost comes across as...guilty? But Joy isn’t sure why she would feel the need to make anything up to her. Joy was the one who lied to attempt to get out of an awkward situation...that she was still in.

“Yeah, that's fine. I liked it when I went in there last time.” 

Sana nods eagerly and pulls her backpack tighter against herself. “Okay, I’ll meet you there.” 

She starts walking away and it takes Joy a moment to catch up with what she’s doing. “Wait, where are you going?” Joy motions over to the parking lot, “my car is right over there. I can just take you.”

Sana hesitates a moment. “I couldn’t ask you to do that. I know we’re going to the same place but I don’t want to assume anything.”

Yeah, she totally must’ve felt guilty. Because this was completely unlike her. She was modest and humble from what Joy knew, but she was straight up acting weird.

Joy rolls her eyes and motions once more towards the parking lot. “Nope. You’re coming with me. No arguments will work on me, so don’t even try.” She doesn’t want to argue with her all day, so she just starts walking towards her car hoping Sana will follow. Her bet pays off when she hears footsteps quickly following behind her.

Joy gets into the driver’s seat and Sana follows and gets into the passenger’s seat. Sana stows her bag under the seat and nervously taps her fingers against her lap. Joy waits a minute before starting her car up, hoping to get some kind of explanation on why she’s acting so weird, but Sana doesn’t even look at her. Not willing to make a big deal out of this, she starts the car and heads towards the coffee shop.

Nothing is really said between them on the way there, or even as they’re getting out and walking in. But it doesn’t entirely shock Joy that things are weird after what happened in her room.

They walk in one after the other and are immediately greeted by an overexcited Jisoo. She smiles widely at them and waves her arms. Sana seems a little embarrassed, but Joy is starting to understand their dynamic. She comes off as a big sister to Sana. Joy finds it cute.

“You’re back! And you brought your friend with you.” Joy glances over and sees Sana a bright shade of red and glaring at Jisoo.

“Can you not embarrass me for once? I’ll take a small flat white, and then whatever Joy is getting.”

“Americano, small, hot this time.”

Joy reaches to grab her credit card but before she can Sana pulls out a bill and hands it to Jisoo who shakes her head and pushes it away. 

“Jisoo, let me pay.” Sana seems almost frustrated but Joy can’t hear any real anger in her voice.

Jisoo waves a finger at her. “As the assistant manager, I have the right to give out free drinks when I see fit. I would suggest my favorite employee just takes her free drinks, kindly given to her by her boss, and enjoys them with her friend. Who is much prettier than you described initially, by the way.”

She what? Joy feels a little embarrassed but Sana’s face is back to being fire hydrant red. There’s some kind of silent conversation going on between the mischievous girl at the counter and Sana, who is giving Jisoo the sternest look Joy has ever seen.

Joy decides she doesn’t want to interrupt whatever is going on between them and walks towards the end of the counter. Sana finishes paying and comes over to stand with her while Jisoo makes their drinks. The shop was mostly empty, save for a few people sitting in the corners typing away on their laptops.

Joy can’t decide what to say to her. Does she really want to give up on Sana completely and to never see her again? She knows it’s the right thing to do considering how Yeri is already mad at her and had asked her at the very start to not go after her. But there was something about this girl she couldn’t help but be fixated on. Something that drew her back in even with the sting of rejection fresh in her mind.

Jisoo finishes their drinks but doesn’t resort to teasing Sana any longer. Joy nods politely and thanks her before going over with Sana to find an open table for two people. She can’t exactly ignore how weird things are now. Weirder than usual. The combination of what happened in her room and getting caught in a dumb lie wasn’t exactly a recipe for success. She decides that maybe, even though she’ll hate every second of it, they need to have an honest talk.

“Things don’t have to be this weird, you know.”

Sana looks up from where she’s going through her bag and squints at Joy. “What?”

Joy rubs her face and sighs quietly. “Things have been weird. You know it, I know it, your boss even knows it. But they don’t have to be. We could just start over and be, I don’t know, friends?”

Friends was a stupid word because they were never really friends to begin with. They were friendly semi strangers at best, and a one sided infatuation at worst. Sana is quiet and her face is scrunched, which Joy can’t tell if that means she’s displeased or just thinking.

“I think we could do that.” Sana says it hesitantly, but Joy feels relief wash over her anyway. Part of her thinks she should feel guilty for doing this, but Yeri never said she couldn’t be friends with her. The whole forbidden part was specifically about hooking up.

After Sana responds, Joy doesn’t really know what to say. She’s never had to make a ton of effort or anything to be someone’s friends, because it was usually the other person who was making all the effort for her. 

“I’m sorry for the weirdness the other day. And the running away. I just really didn’t know what to think, or do.” Sana says it quietly, almost embarrassed. She’s making eye contact this time though and it feels to Joy like she’s trying to mend something, or maybe build something that wasn’t even there before.

Joy finds herself caught off guard completely by Sana bringing it up, even if she doesn’t directly reference the fact that Joy was only a few seconds away from kissing her. But she shakes her head rapidly at the apology. “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry I lied, even if it was a little one. And also for misreading things.”

She looks over and Sana is looking at her in a way that Joy can’t quite figure out what it means. Sana’s mouth is barely open, like whatever she wants to say is just on the tip of her tongue, but she clamps her mouth shut instead. 

Joy can’t quite put together the pieces she has in regards to Sana, and about what Jisoo had said earlier about Sana talking about her. She wants to push, wants some actual meaning to Sana’s behavior. But she knows forcing it out of her definitely won’t work. So she leaves it. 

All she has to do is be her friend and know where to draw the line. Everything else will work out just fine.

\---

“Anything else to add?”

The girls murmur to themselves, seeming content with what had been covered in the meeting. Joy feels herself relax at how easy this weekly meeting had gone because on top of everything else she can’t deal with some petty disagreement over nothing, which does happen on occasion. She gets ready to dismiss them when Irene pushes her chair out, stands up, and walks out.

The rest of the girls go silent and Jennie, who is visibly concerned, looks over to Joy. Joy says nothing, but waves them away to signal the end of the meeting. Jennie gets up and goes to follow after Irene and the rest of them slowly get up and make their way out of the dining room.

The only one who doesn’t leave is Yeri, and when everyone else is finally out of earshot Joy releases the breath she didn’t realize she had been holding.

“You need to take care of that.”

Joy lets her head fall against the table. “I know, I know. I didn’t think she’d do something like that though! Like, in front of everyone. She never let something like that happen when we were dating.”

Yeri whistles and taps against the table. “I think you must’ve really pissed her off. The sex must’ve been _really_ bad this time.”

Joy’s head shoots up and she glares at Yeri who shrugs nonchalantly. “Not funny. I don’t even know how to talk to her now. You know how she is. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, then she’s not gonna talk to you.”

Irene did cold shoulder better than most people. She was known around campus for it, actually. Part of what made Joy and Irene such a “celebrity couple” among their peers was the fact that Irene really didn’t date and didn’t talk to much of anyone outside her friend group. So when the universally loved popular sorority president had gotten with the campus ice queen, it was a huge deal.

“Hm. Well,” Yeri pulls out her phone and starts to mindlessly tap away at a game she pulls up. “Maybe you should leave her alone, and wait to apologize? I’m sure Jennie will talk some sense into her and she won’t do anything to call attention like that again.”

Sure, but the damage had already been done. Sorority girls were notorious gossips, especially if it was drama among their own sisters. She had no doubt one of them was going to ask Joy what was up.

“If there’s nothing else you can do now, then it’s best not to focus on it.”

Joy suddenly pushes her chair out and stands up, pulling her keys out of her pocket. “I’m going out.”

Yeri looks up from her phone and raises a brow at her. “At this time? By yourself? There’s no parties really going on anywhere tonight.”

Joy shrugs and grabs her coat off the rack before heading towards the door. “Not going to a party. I’ll be back soon.”

\---

Part of her wanted to lie to herself and pretend she wasn’t going back to this coffee shop in hopes she’d see Sana again. But mostly, she was open to accepting that just seeing Sana again was an attempt to make herself feel better after what happened. She didn’t even know if Sana ever worked the late shift, but if she didn’t she’d at least have an excuse just to get a coffee and sit by herself.

She readies herself while she’s getting out of the car and walking in. No weirdness between them if she’s there. Friends. Friendship. She can totally do that, no problem at all.

As she opens the door, the bell dings and Sana whips around as she goes to greet her. She stops before she can though, and just smiles. She gives a small wave and goes back to whatever she’s doing.

From what Joy can tell, the place is almost completely empty. One guy in the corner with his headphones in on his laptop, one older woman collecting her purse and getting ready to leave, then Sana.

“Uh, hi.” Joy leans over the counter while Sana is turned away, wondering if anyone is in the back either but she doesn’t hear or see any movement back there. Sana turns back around again and approaches the counter.

“Hi, didn’t mean to ignore you. Sorry. We’re closing soon so I was cleaning. You can still order something though!”

Joy squints, looking at the time on her phone. “You’re closing at 7pm?”

Sana nods quickly, while wiping down the counter with half concentration. “We close early when it’s dead on days like this. We cut people too, that’s why I’m the only one here behind the counter.”

No Jisoo to tease them this time, which was almost a relief even if she did give her free drinks and was really friendly.

“I’ll just take a decaf black coffee,” Joy quickly pulls out her card and waves it in front of Sana playfully. “And I will definitely be paying this time. Your boss isn’t here to give me free drinks against my will.”

Sana giggles and Joy realizes how good it feels for them not to be weird. Sana is cute, sweet, and charming. She’s kind of everything. Joy wasn’t wrong to think that even catching a glimpse of her at her work would lift her mood.

“I will gladly take your money, even though I already have been. Your secret is safe with me.”

After she’s finished paying and getting her coffee, Joy sits down at a small table in the corner and goes through her emails on her phone. The last customer left from before has already made his way out, so it’s just her and Sana. Joy gathers that Sana is actually a really good employee, just like she is as a student. She spends nearly the entire time cleaning, only occasionally glancing over at Joy and giving her a small smile before getting back to work.

She watches Sana carefully as the clock hits 7. She’s got her coat on and seems to be double checking every single thing she can behind the counter. Joy brushes herself off and slowly stands up, making sure to throw her finished drink in the mostly empty trash can next to her. Sana is still looking around when Joy slowly approaches her.

“You don’t drive, right?” Sana looks up at Joy before grabbing the keys on the counter and picking out the one that Joy assumes will close the front door.

“Nope. Just waiting for my friend to pick me up, but she’ll be a little late because she’s practicing with her band.”

Joy doesn’t love the idea of Sana either standing outside by herself in the dark waiting for her ride, or staying by herself in this small cafe by herself late at night waiting for a ride. She’s done it before, she’s sure. But that still doesn’t make Joy feel at ease about it.

“Can I wait with you?” It’s said less as a question, and more of a statement. That whether or not she wants her to, Joy is going to wait with her. Sana seems to pick up on that, because she doesn’t fight it like she did when Joy tried to give her a ride the other day. She smiles at Joy and nods and they both walk out the door.

It’s quiet between them but not in a way that makes Joy worry. Nothing feels awkward or like they’re both just trying to get away from the situation. It’s starting to feel like two people who are at least semi comfortable with each other.

She sees Sana give a small shiver which is barely noticeable and rub her hands together. Joy instantly goes to pull out the gloves she has in one of her coat pockets and hands them to Sana without even asking if she wanted them. Sana looks between her and the gloves a couple times before accepting them, and giving Joy a warm smile in return.

Joy really tries not to notice that they’re also definitely standing closer than they were before, because it wasn’t her who had moved. Her feet had been firmly planted in the same place they had been the whole time they had been outside. So Sana was cold and she wanted warmth, big deal. It doesn’t mean it meant anything, but Joy also acknowledged she selfishly wasn’t going to suggest they go back inside while they wait.

Around 20 minutes go by and finally a small silver car with music blaring pulls up and Sana glances at the car and makes a step towards it before facing Joy again.

“I really appreciate you waiting with me, thank you. Thankfully you probably won’t have to do it ever again because as it gets colder we’ll get busier, so they’ll most likely staff more people for closing.”

Thankfully is not the word Joy thinks of attached to that scenario. She’d choose to stand outside shoulder to shoulder with Sana in silence over a lot of other things.

Sana reaches for her hand and gives it a squeeze before turning away again to head toward the car. She doesn’t get that far away before Joy impulsively steps forward.

“Sana, wait!” Sana whips back around, looking almost concerned at the way Joy raises her voice. Joy feels embarrassed at the fact that she kinda yelled at her without meaning to. “If you ever need a ride home, you can ask me. I’ll be busy sometimes, but mostly during the day on weekdays.” She’s rubbing her own arm anxiously, once again feeling like an awkward teenage girl with a new crush. But this is something friends would do for each other, right?

All Sana does is smile and give a quick nod before walking over and getting into the car. The inside light turns on and Sana is animatedly chatting with the driver right away. The driver on the other hand is definitely scrutinizing Joy while Sana goes on and on. She probably was before too, but Joy hadn’t noticed since the car was dark. They pull away, and Joy waits for them to be long gone before getting into her car.

This crush was much, much worse than she thought it could be.

\---

A few days had gone by without a text or anything from Sana, which Joy wasn’t taking personally this time considering they both had been busy. But it took Joy about a total of 5 seconds to get out of bed when she her phone lit up with Sana's name on it.

Sana: _i haaate to ask but can i take you up on your offer? my roomie can’t pick me up and its cold outside :(_

She throws on a nearby hoodie on, grabs her keys, and makes her way quickly past the questioning eyes of the rest of the people in the household.

Her hair was a bit messy and she looked about a second away from falling asleep but it didn’t matter if Sana was asking her to come pick her up this late at night. 

She pulls up to the coffee shop parking lot and can see Sana waiting inside the door. She notices the car and steps out before locking the door behind her. Sana stuffs the keys in her pocket before getting in the passenger side of the car.

“Thank you so much for this. I genuinely appreciate it and I’m really sorry that I-”

Joy holds her hand up to stop her and Sana goes quiet. Joy shakes her head and gives her a small smile.

“I told you anytime I’m not busy and you needed one I’d give you a ride. No need for you to freeze to death walking home if I’m here, right?” She reaches over and puts her hand over Sana’s, meant to be a comforting gesture more than anything else. Sana doesn’t move her hand or make an attempt to talk, and just nods silently in response. Joy lets the silence sit between them for a moment before pulling out of the parking lot.

The drive itself isn’t a very long one, but she can see why Sana wouldn’t want to make the trip while walking on a colder than usual fall night. Especially considering she wasn’t wearing a jacket.

Curiously, neither of their hands have moved yet. Joy is perfectly fine driving a short distance with one hand at the wheel, being a pretty good driver in general. She had completely expected Sana to pull her hand out from under where Joy’s hand was by now, because Sana was always the one who put a stop to anything between them. But she hadn’t. 

Something had changed between them. She could tell, and she knew Sana could too. It was an unspoken thing, some kind of switch that had flipped after what happened the last time they saw each other. Sana was much softer to her now. She had always been gentle, sweet. But she was less awkward now, more open. It made Joy as excited as it did nervous.

Before she knew it, they had arrived at the address Sana had texted her in the middle of her drive to pick her up. Joy parks in the lone empty spot in the lot and it’s finally then that Sana pulls her hand away. She glances at Joy before she hears a very tiny “thank you” in the softest voice she’s ever heard. Joy’s stomach does that flip thing it always does, and she realizes this is it. This might be her last chance. She could only fail so many times at this and if nothing happened between them after this noticeable change in the air, then nothing ever would. 

Sana is muttering something and fumbling with her seat belt and Joy wants to laugh at her being so overly flustered when she just unbuckles her own seat belt instead. 

“Sana,” she says it gently, hoping to show Sana she means her no harm. Sana notices, because she stops talking but doesn’t turn towards her and doesn’t say anything. But it’s now or never for Joy, and she doesn’t want to waste a single second more.

Joy leans over and takes just one finger and taps Sana on the cheek. Sana turns her head, eyes scanning Joy’s face. Joy waits a second to see if Sana will lean backwards away from her, or even just open the door and get out, but she doesn’t. So Joy leans in and presses their lips together.

It feels like every failed moment leading up to this was worth it, regardless of how much it hurt at the time. Sana’s lips are soft and being in her space like this is absolutely intoxicating to Joy. It feels like a completely perfect moment. That is, until she realizes Sana isn’t kissing her back.

She doesn’t realize it right away, but when she does she immediately pulls her head back and feels horrified. She just kissed a person who hadn’t kissed her back. She must’ve been confused on why Joy was in her space and didn’t know what to do. Right.

"I am so, so sorry. For doing that. Kissing you. I shouldn’t have done it and if you never want to see me again then I understand and if you hate me-” She starts to ramble, feeling horribly guilty when Sana quickly shakes her head.

“Joy, stop.” So she does, and she stares at Sana curiously, waiting for her to continue. “I didn’t not want it. It wasn’t like that. I was just...surprised. I knew it was coming right then but I was still surprised somehow.”

“So…,” Joy points at herself. “You wanted me to kiss you? But you didn’t kiss me back?”

Sana’s blush is visible even in the darkened car and she nods. “I was nervous. I didn't know how to react.”

Joy’s heart speeds up, just hearing any kind of confirmation that she had some type of effect on Sana in that way.

“Just to confirm, that if I kiss you again, you’ll definitely kiss me back this time?”

“Yes.”

The two of them sit there like two nervous high schoolers, but it feels appropriate. Joy decides that even though she already had her courageous moment wasted just moments ago, that she needs to squeeze out just a bit more. 

Her hand is cold and she puts it up to Sana’s cheek who closes her eyes and shivers at the contact. Joy tries once more, leaning in and pressing their lips together softly and it’s so much better this time.

It’s nothing too intense, or passionate, or wild. It just feels perfect. Sana puts her hand over the one Joy has pressed to her face and sighs into the kiss. Joy wonders if any other first kiss has ever felt as right as this one does. She moves to deepen the kiss but Sana pulls away, she rubs her thumb over top of Joy’s hand before moving her hand away, and then Joy pulls hers away too.

“Goodnight Joy.”

While she’s getting out she casts one last quick glance back at Joy before closing the door and walking up to her apartment. Joy waits for her to get inside, not at all willing to leave a second before she has to.

It feels like a celebratory moment. She wants to blast a loud happy pop song and go home to giggle with her friends about sharing a perfect kiss with this girl. But she can’t. She can’t tell anyone yet, and she doesn’t know when she’ll be able to. So, for now she’s fine with keeping her perfect moment between her and Sana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh a bit longer to make up for the wait last time and hopefully worth it! not as slowburn as everyone thought it might be
> 
> song for this chapter is distraction by m1ldl1fe


	5. you got it so right, got me tongue tied

It’s been at least half an hour now and Joy is still sitting in her car, with her hands nervously gripping the wheel. After her and Sana had a brief conversation about coming over to Sana’s apartment, Joy hadn’t hesitated to leave the house with the excuse she needed to go out and run some errands. But here she was, sitting in her car with no reason not to just suck it up and go up to Sana’s apartment.

Once she hits the hour mark, she steels herself and makes her way up to the door of the apartment building. Joy tells herself there’s no going back from the kiss, even if Sana turns her down again. She hits the buzzer for Sana’s apartment number and within a few seconds she’s buzzed up. All it takes is going up a single flight of stairs and she’s at Sana’s door, which she lightly knocks on. Sana opens it up immediately, concern all over her face.

“Hi...is everything okay? I texted you like an hour ago and you replied so I thought you were coming over right away.”

Guilt smacks Joy right in the face when she realizes she hadn’t even considered Sana would be worried about her. In the midst of her semi nervous breakdown she hadn’t even given a second thought to the phone that had definitely buzzed a few times in her pocket.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she waves her hand in a dismissive way. She steps in a little further before closing the apartment door behind her. “I just got caught up with some stuff that took me longer than I thought it would.”

Joy looks up and Sana is there, staring at her with a pout and her sad wide eyes. Joy is aware that she’s not good at relationships, or being with anyone. She doesn’t know how to fix things well with her words, so she doesn’t try to. She hesitates just for a moment before putting both her hands on Sana’s waist. Things are different now. Sana doesn’t flinch, or pause, or shy away. Instead, she’s looking at Joy almost hopefully. Joy swallows the lump in her throat and uses up all her courage again to kiss her.

It’s almost the same as their first, but much less cramped. Sana’s hands are carefully holding onto Joy’s upper arms. Sana doesn’t pull away this time when Joy goes to deepen the kiss and it makes Joy even bolder. She breaks away momentarily to walk them into the closest wall, taking precaution not to accidentally bump into something or push Sana too hard against the surface.

They’re pressed together tightly now and Sana’s hands are gripping the sides of Joy’s over sized college sweater. Joy leans down ever so slightly to kiss her neck, carefully resisting the urge to leave a mark like she would’ve with most any of her other conquests. Sana sighs and threads her hands into Joy’s hair, holding her in place. There’s nothing more Joy wants in this moment than to just get this over with. To take Sana up against this wall and once and for all complete her original mission she had set out for. Because that’s the only thing she’s really wanted from this, right?

But her near future plans are short lived. Her hands slide underneath Sana’s shirt and upwards when Sana’s hands are suddenly out of her hair and tugging Joy’s hands away. Joy’s eyes widen and she stands up straight, feeling all too embarrassed that she got a little overzealous. Sana shakes her head and lets go of Joy’s hands.

“Sorry, just...not now. Not yet.”

Not now. Not yet. Those words rattled around in Joy’s brain. So, Sana did want to. Sometime. Eventually. Soon? 

“That’s fine! I’m sorry I got a little...excited.” She steps back to give Sana some room and runs her hand through her own hair. It always feels like she’s the one getting too excited, pushing for more. But all she’s ever wanted is to meet in the middle. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do. So we just...won’t. Not yet.”

Joy tries to combat the feeling like this is the talk of someone in a relationship. That it feels like a talk she’d have with a girlfriend instead of someone she was just trying to have sex with once, or multiple times. She doesn’t have more time to reason with herself when she’s pulled into a tight hug. Her arms are frozen in place when Sana’s arms lock behind her and she buries her face in her shoulder. She doesn’t want Sana to think she’s overstepped a line so she quickly reciprocates, pulling the girl even closer.

She’s not entirely sure what caused the moment but she doesn’t want to complain. She loves physical contact in most forms with people she cares about. And it’s no different now that she’s got this girl latched onto her. They hadn’t gotten to this point before but she sees now that Sana is cuddly, and that she seems to like physical contact just as much as Joy does. Sana is the first one to pull back and she’s giving her trademark pout, which Joy thinks she’s probably realized has an effect on her. All she can do is laugh and pull her back in for a kiss.

\---

It doesn’t take Joy very long at all to figure out that sneaking around is a lot of fun, more fun than she thought it would be. A little thrilling, even. Her and Sana still got together to study, or at least they tried to. They’d start to study, and then studying would turn into flirting, which turned into making out. Since this clearly wasn’t something they could do in the library or at Sana’s work, they had decided going back to Sana’s apartment. It was a hell of a lot easier to deal with her roommate who wasn’t really there that often than everyone who lived at the sorority house.

Joy wasn’t ashamed of doing this...whatever it was with Sana. She wasn’t. Sana was amazing, to her at least. But between her Irene problems, her reputation, and the loose lips of everyone else in the sorority it wasn’t a battle she was willing to fight. After meeting up again after their first kiss, they had somehow not talked about the status of their relationship like she thought they would have. They had simply hung out. It was entirely possible that Sana had wanted to, but regardless, she hadn’t approached the topic with Joy.

Joy was trying her hardest to remain cool and unaffected. Which did appear that way to everyone else around her who didn’t know what was going on, probably even Sana too. But that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. She was giddy. Texting Sana, waiting to get a text from Sana, asking to come over under the guise of tutoring. It wasn’t solely the thrill of hiding their little fling from the rest of the world, it was also about who it was with. 

Truthfully, they could barely keep their hands off each other. Joy would be embarrassed if she could bring herself to care. Considering how things had started off between them, she fairly had assumed that things would be awkward for a lot longer. But it seemed now whenever they were alone together they were constantly wrapped up in each other somehow. Kissing, cuddling, flirtatious touching. It was almost too perfect.

Sana’s hands are in her hair and Joy is keeping herself propped up with her arms on either side of Sana on the bed. Sana is actually a great kisser, Joy thinks to herself. Never uses too much tongue or overuses her teeth. Always knows where to put her hands and how to move. Joy wonders who she learned it from and stamps down a feeling that could be considered jealousy to anyone else.

Joy can’t hide the fact that she wants more though, has wanted more since the first moment they had met. Her hips move hard and slow against Sana and Sana tears her mouth away from Joy with a groan. Joy can’t help but grin and goes to do it again but this time Sana moves her hands to gently push at Joy’s shoulders. She pulls herself back and immediately sits up, watching Sana sit up with her.

“Wait, Joy,” Sana brushes a few strands of hair out of her eyes, looking nervous. “There was actually something I wanted to do tonight. Me and my roommate usually go but every month the nearby theater shows a cheesy classic romance movie. We always go and make fun of it, but she’s busy tonight so I was wondering if you wanted to go.”

It takes a second for Joy to take in fully what was being said to her as she sits there and nods along. Sana wanted to go out with her. Like actually out. More than just sneaking around and making out which is what they usually did. But it wasn’t a date, apparently, because she did it with her roommate all the time. She isn’t disappointed though. She isn’t. She’s not allowed to be.

“That sounds like fun. The theater is usually pretty empty around this time so we should be fine.” She gives Sana a half smile before rolling off the bed and going towards Sana’s mirror to fix her hair and make sure she’s publicly presentable.

She hears Sana whine behind her instead of getting up to go get ready and she turns back around.

“We don’t have to go _now._ There’s still about an hour until we have to get there for it to start.” Oh, that was definitely the needing attention whine Sana did. Joy’s favorite, by far.

Joy playfully rolls her eyes and climbed back onto the bed, leaning over Sana. “Well, why didn’t you say so?” Sana pulls Joy’s head down into the kiss, and Joy can’t help but smile into it. This was something she could get used to.

\---

With everything that was going on at the moment, it had been hard to really find time to hang out with Sana in public. Not that she didn’t want to, of course. She was just wary. Thankfully, the theater really had been pretty much empty like Joy had predicted. The theater wasn’t all that close to the campus so most of the students just found out hangouts that were in a closer proximity to the campus and dorms.

There’s a very defined space between the two of them right now. Joy has carefully and purposely kept a short distance between them in the public setting but it isn’t doing either of them any favors. They’re the only two people who showed up for this particular movie and if she wanted to be friendly, or overly friendly, with Sana then she’d be fine. But she can’t shake the worry and paranoia that comes with sneaking around.

It isn’t possible for her to focus on the movie at all with all the thoughts banging around loudly in her head, but a gentle touch to her knee. Joy curiously looks over to her left, expecting to see Sana trying to get her attention, but Sana’s attention isn’t on her. While Sana’s hand is resting on Joy’s left knee, Sana is seemingly engrossed by the movie. It seemed like Sana had been able to tell Joy had been feeling troubled the entire time they had been out so far. The small gesture hadn’t been playful or needy, it was meant to be reassuring.

Maybe this was how they communicated. Talking was fine, and they were two adult women so it wasn’t like they were unable to hold conversations. But this seemed to come so much easier to both of them. Sana didn’t have to say out loud that she was having a bad day and just needed the company when Joy came over and Sana pulled her over to the couch to cuddle in silence, she just knew.

Being careful not to accidentally push Sana’s hand away, Joy pushed up the arm rest in between them. Sana’s eyes darted between Joy and and the small area between them before finally settling back on the movie. She squeezed Joy’s knee just a little tighter, almost as if she wasn’t sure what would come next. But her grip relaxes as soon as Joy closes the space and leans her head against her shoulder.

She can almost feel the tension leave Sana’s body when she realizes all Joy had wanted to do was be close to her. Sana’s thumb rubs against her knee gently as she leans into Joy. Joy can’t remember the last time she was like this with anyone she had been “seeing.” Irene, maybe. But it was never this soft with them. She’d throw an arm over Irene’s shoulders and they’d talk about whatever was going on at school. It was nice, but it wasn’t this. This was something new. Something different. 

“You know, I’ve been trying to root for this guy, but he’s just such a dick.” Joy whispers, watching on as the movie reaches a pivotal point and the male lead bangs on his love interest’s door, trying to win her back.

Sana snorts. “Most of them are in movies like this. But he isn’t so bad, compared to some of the others. At least in this one he actually tried to make up for what he did instead of just crying and saying sorry.”

On screen the man is in fact making a tearful apology while some dated romance song plays in the background. There’s a flashback to his revelation moment when he realized how he’d make it up to her, and then him setting things right. It all seemed very over dramatic and ridiculous, but this was the formula these movies thrived off of.

“I guess. But could they have at least splurged a little more on the acting to have made this movie worth my time?” They both laugh at that, seeing how awkwardly the lines are delivered and how it almost resembles a high school theater production.

Time feels like it goes by too quickly as the movie eventually reaches its end and the credits start to roll. Joy has no desire to leave this little bubble the two of them have created, but Sana is the first one to move to leave the seat and Joy is quick to make sure she didn’t leave any of her stuff behind before following after her.

Sana slows her pace just a bit but it only takes a second before Joy catches up to her and grabs her waist. She spins her around and Sana giggles as she takes Joy’s face in her hands and pulls her down for a sweet kiss. Joy is careful not to give into the temptation of sliding her hands upwards to feel the soft skin underneath the shirt and keeps them firmly where they started. 

Before they can start full on making out near the exit of the darkened theater, Sana pulls away. “You’d have to be crazy to think I’d let us get caught making out by some high school employee in here.”

Joy pretends to think about it for a moment, then shrugs. “Always worth a shot, don’t you think?” She finally moves her hands from Sana’s waist and laces the fingers of her right hand with Sana’s left before pulling them towards the exit door. She pushes it open with her left and she gives herself a minute to just feel content. Whatever this was with Sana, it felt good. It actively made her feel like the world wasn’t so heavy, even if it was only behind closed doors most of the time.

But the feeling is cut short when she feels Sana stop in her tracks. She looks up and as soon as she realizes who it is, yanks her hand away from Sana’s grip. Seulgi. One of her sorority sisters.

There’s a tense and thick silence as the three of them stand there, all waiting for someone else to speak. Sana tugs on Joy’s sleeve before mumbling something about going out to the car. She leaves Joy and Seulgi standing there, both fiddling with their hands and most likely planning an escape route from this conversation.

“So...you two are…?” Joy throws her hands up and starts waving frantically before Seulgi can even finish her question.

“No! It isn’t like that. We’re just...I don’t know. It’s complicated. But we aren’t dating.” She had prepared these lines in her head since the very beginning and had repeated them to herself constantly, but that didn’t make the last part go down any easier.

Seulgi’s eyes go wide and she takes a step towards Joy before putting her hand on her shoulder. “Joy, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I won’t say anything. I know the girls are weird about stuff like this. People who aren’t exactly like us.”

Joy relaxes but just a bit. She should’ve known Seulgi wasn’t that type of person. She didn’t follow along with drama like the other girls did, and was known for being probably the easiest person to get along with in the sorority. But it didn’t mean she could afford to slip up again like this.

“We’ve all noticed things have been uh, weird between you and Irene in the house,” she continues and Joy grimaces at that all too accurate observation. “So I don’t want to make things worse than they already are. Just...be careful, you know? Not everyone else feels the same way.” Seulgi pats Joy’s shoulder before taking her hand away.

Joy rubs her temples, realizing just how unprepared she is to deal with this situation if it really blows up in her face. “Well, thanks. I appreciate you not telling anyone. I mean that.” 

Seulgi gives a curt nod and waits just a second longer before saying goodbye to Joy and heading to whatever movie she was supposed to be seeing.

She quickly heads out to her car, remembering that Sana is sitting out there waiting for her and not wanting to make this any worse than it already is. Joy opens the door to the driver’s seat and gets a glance from Sana before she goes back to looking out the window. She sits down and closes the door, waiting to see if Sana will say or do anything. But she doesn’t. It feels too much like back before they had started this, when Joy just wanted her more than anything in the world and Sana was always ready to shoot her down. But it isn’t the exact same, because Sana is different now. She can’t tell if she’s upset, or even angry.

There’s no use in waiting for Sana to say something when it seems like Sana herself is waiting for something, which Joy isn’t sure what, so she starts her car and starts her drive back to Sana’s apartment.

When she pulls into the parking lot, she sits there expecting Sana to just continue her silence and get out of the car. She looks over and sees Sana is staring at her hands as she fiddles with her fingers. Guilt and worry mixes in the pit of her stomach, forcing her into action. “Sana?”

“What are we doing?” Sana blurts it out in a way that’s halfway between sounding like something she had planned on saying and something she had never wanted to ask in the first. It was probably both. It was also a sentence that Joy was hoping Sana would never ask her. Because truthfully, she didn’t know. She wasn’t sure there was even a label she could use for whatever this was.

“What do you want me to say, Sana?” She tries to say it in a very collected tone, but can’t help the frustration that seeps through anyway. “We’re just having fun.” She does her best to keep looking down when she says it, not willing to look and see if she’s caused any pain.

It goes silent once more. Joy bites down on the inside of her cheek, willing herself not to say anything that would put her in a vulnerable position. She can’t just tell Sana that she looks forward to seeing her whenever she can, or that she’s always thinking about her for whatever reason. That wasn’t part of her plan. Any possible feelings she had were secondary to doing whatever it took to fulfill this craving and getting over her.

“Okay,” Sana says with an air of finality to it. Like she’s accepted whatever Joy has put before her, whether it suits her or not. She doesn’t look at Joy again when she gets out of the car, or when she heads to the door and up to her apartment. Joy sits there by herself for what seems like hours, but what in reality is probably about 40 minutes.

There’s a burning feeling in her throat from where she had to swallow around what she had wanted to tell Sana, and the guilt is back at the pit of her stomach. As she’s pulling away from the apartment, she realizes it’s only going to get harder and harder to deny what she feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm a little angst but they'll be ok. probably. 
> 
> song for this chapter is tongue tied by jakil


	6. maybe i can change your mind

After the way they had left things the last time, things had stayed weird for a bit. Sana didn’t really text her, and Joy was afraid of Sana’s response if she was going to text her first. But in the end, things had been fine when she had shown up to Sana’s apartment about a week and a half later with some old movies and a bag of microwave popcorn. Sana seemed back to her normal self and Joy figured that was an acceptance of her semi apology. She wasn’t sure exactly what she was apologizing for in the first place, but it felt like the situation warranted some kind of reach out.

Their dynamic had changed a little though as a result of everything. They had been spending roughly the same amount of time together but things seemed almost...softer now. They still made out plenty, but Joy now found herself getting to know Sana better all the time. Sana told her stories about her grandma, being an only child, moving to Korea by herself. She had even ended up rambling on about some of her geeky hobbies. Getting to know her in this way had almost made Joy feel like they were blurring some lines, but she couldn’t stop herself from diving in deeper.

All of it was only serving to magnify her biggest problem though. Her feelings. Nothing about feelings were ever black and white or easy to fit into a little box, especially not for her. But the way she felt about Sana was getting harder to pin down, harder to understand. She knew for sure that she liked being around Sana, obviously. She was sweet and easy to get along with, anyone would like hanging around her. She also knew that she liked kissing Sana. Sana was objectively beautiful, and great at kissing. It was a no brainer. But she wanted to be able to separate those things, keep them in their own boxes that didn’t overlap. If they started to overlap, she wouldn’t know what it meant or how to deal with it.

As her thoughts on it got fuzzier, she knew she needed some kind of advice. Some third party to help her sort out her thoughts because she certainly wasn’t able to do it on her own right now. But there weren’t a lot of people she could ask without raising suspicion, so she’d have to take her chances and ask someone who would help her and most likely not tell anyone what was going on.

She had texted Tzuyu and asked her to meet up for a coffee date (which she had made sure wasn’t going to be at Sana’s place of work) under the guise of sorority business. Tzuyu had asked immediately if everything was okay, but Joy had brushed it off for the most part and remained vague in her wording.

They had gone downtown to a very modern, very sleek coffee chain. People in business suits waiting in line and talking through their bluetooth ear pieces. Two college age girls not dressed up almost stuck out like a sore thumb, but nobody around them cared enough about anything besides their own personal affairs.

“So...is everything okay?” Tzuyu wasn’t the type of person to really get involved in people’s business unless it involved her, or if someone else had dragged her into it. She would definitely partake in the sorority gossip if everyone else was also doing it, but she and Seulgi were two of the most laid back people in the house. If she couldn’t go to Tzuyu with some vague questions, then she really had no other options available to her.

“Can you keep a secret? Like, nothing too major, nothing over the top. I just, need some advice.”

Tzuyu tilts her head to the side. “About what?”

It felt like a pain to even have to bring it up, to be forced to talk about the mess of a situation she had willingly inserted herself into. But there were only so many ways this could go from this point and she needed to do something.

“Uh…,” Joy taps her foot nervously against the floor. “There’s a girl.”

That one gets a teasing smirk out of Tzuyu. “That’s often the problem for you, no?”

Joy puffs out her cheeks and gives her a half hearted glare. “Very funny. But, there’s a girl. And things weren’t supposed to be as complicated as they are. Because I don’t really do relationships, aside from what happened with Irene. I just wanted to sleep with this girl, because that’s what I usually do and then it’s done and everyone moves on.”

She looks up and tries to figure out what Tzuyu is thinking, but her face doesn’t give her away. That was something Tzuyu was good at, something Joy could learn a little more. She intakes a deep breath before continuing. “But we aren’t sleeping together. We’re hanging out, and kissing. Stuff like that. But I’m fine with it. I...enjoy it? Even when we aren’t making out. She’s easy to be around, and it makes me feel good. And I guess I just feel confused about what it means...”

Tzuyu’s whole face is scrunched up now and Joy stops talking immediately. She still can’t tell what she’s feeling, because it almost looks like she wants to laugh. “What is it?”

“You like her.” Three simple words and Joy’s head feels like it’s going to explode. It was something that she had been fighting with internally for a while now. In a way, she had kind of known. She wasn’t entirely ignorant to her own feelings, but hearing someone actually say it out loud made her head hurt.

“I do?” That one gets a look from Tzuyu like she’s looking at someone with two heads. She can’t say she blames her. If she had been in Tzuyu’s position she’d most likely be feeling equally dumbfounded.

“You like being physical with her, you like talking to her, you haven’t run for the hills even though she hasn’t just given in and slept with you yet. You definitely like her. Which isn’t a surprise because I feel like I haven’t seen you around as much lately. And you’re always on your phone even when you are around.”

Tzuyu was pretty observant in general, but if she had noticed then it was definitely something that at least a few of them had noticed or commented on when she wasn’t around. She had wondered what Yeri thought. She didn’t dare think of how it made Irene feel.

“I can tell you’re feeling kind of weird about it,” Yeah, that was an understatement. “But you don’t have to make a big declaration to this girl now or anything. Just be with her. See where it goes. I’d bet money that she likes you too.”

The last part of the sentence made Joy’s head jerk up. Was that another obvious thing she had missed? In her defense, Sana hadn’t really explained herself to Joy or anything either. She had felt jerked around at the beginning of her thing with Sana considering how close they’d get right before Sana would pull away, almost as if she was scared of something. But considering how things had developed, it made sense. Maybe.

Both of them take awkward sips of their drinks and Joy forces herself to look out the window to her left, suddenly finding herself with a new set of issues. Just because she likes Sana, doesn’t mean it had to evolve from that. If they started sleeping together, they could still be casual and not in a relationship. It was totally normal to not hate people you wanted to hook up with. 

Maybe it was time to try for something more and put this to bed once and for all. Maybe it was time for Joy to pull out her old tricks. It was time to try to really, truly seduce this girl and put an end to all this.

\---

“I think we should go out this weekend.”

Sana looks up from whatever she had been doing on her laptop. When Joy had come over they had initially started making out like they usually did, but Sana had remembered in the middle that she had work to do. She told Joy she didn’t have to stay, but Joy didn’t really want to leave so she had turned on some tv for background noise and made herself at home on the couch.

“Where do you want to go?” Sana turns her attention away from the computer and eyes Joy with some wariness. Joy couldn’t exactly pretend to not know why after their little run in at the movie theater.

“I was thinking we could do something fun. Like clubbing. Just, you know, out of town so we won’t have to deal with running into anyone and making a scene out of it.” She tries to say it as gently as possible, as to not imply that she’s ashamed of being seen with her or anything. Because she isn’t, and that’s the last thing she wants Sana to believe.

Sana hums and turns her attention back to her laptop without returning to her task. “Do you have a place in mind?”

Well that was a lot easier than she had thought it would be, Joy notes to herself. Sana had never really been one for hard partying, which is why Joy hadn’t tried to bring her to any parties outside her sorority even if she had known her sorority specifically wouldn’t be there.

“Mhm,” she yawns and stretches her legs out. “Great place I used to go to back when I went clubbing on a regular basis. I think you’ll like it. Drinks are cheap. Not a lot of weird guys hang around, either.”

“I think that would be fun.” She goes back to clicking away at her computer and that seems to end the conversation and gives Joy the answer she was looking for.

Joy’s mind wanders back to her earlier conversation with Tzuyu, specifically the part about Sana liking her. Was that the reason she had been doing all this? Going along with what Joy wanted. If she didn’t want to sleep with her right now and wasn’t using Joy for her reputation or anything like that, then there could only be so many possible explanations.

There was a long list of hookups that gave Joy no reason to believe that though. People who didn’t care for her beyond her looks, or people that really were just interested in the person they believed she was based on her status in the school. It had given her the motivation she needed to stay out of relationships. It’s not like she was good at them, anyway. If she was going by her example with Irene then it showed that the only stuff she was good at was the physical part of the relationship.

But maybe Sana was different, if she really did like her and Tzuyu was right. Sana didn’t push her or ask for things she couldn’t give. Sana didn’t care about her identity within the school or the reputation she had to uphold for her family. Sana was a lot more than Joy had ever expected she’d be. Maybe, just maybe, it was time for her to take a leap.

\---

A few more long days pass before their weekend plans. Joy tries not to text Sana too much, or be too over the top about it in fears of scaring her off. It wouldn’t be around anyone they knew, but this was their first real public outing where a lot of people would be around. It felt like a big step for them, even if it wasn’t to the rest of the population.

She had made sure everything about her was perfect before she went to pick Sana up. Her hair, her makeup, her outfit. Everything. She had pulled a pair of leather pants out of her closet and a very thin red button up shirt she could tie at the waist, two things she really only got out for special occasions. Luckily, she would consider this a special occasion.

Since they would be drinking, she’d decided it would be easiest for her to drive to Sana’s apartment and leave her car there before taking a cab. She had no plans to get hammered, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t going to be safe in case she did end up having more than a couple of drinks.

As soon as she pulls in, she shoots Sana a text letting her know she’s there. She immediately gets a text back telling her just to come up because she’ll be a few more minutes. They have time to kill anyway so Joy figures it shouldn’t be a problem. Joy heads up to the apartment, getting buzzed in rather quickly by Sana. The door is unlocked, which Joy makes note of to talk to Sana about later.

When she walks in, she sees Sana’s head pop out from inside her bedroom and Sana gives her a grin before going back to whatever it was she was doing.

“I’ll be out soon! Sorry, I lost track of time earlier.”

Joy shrugs out of habit, even though Sana can’t see. “It’s fine. It’s not like we have to be there at a certain time anyway so take your time.” She plops herself down on the couch and fixes her hair for what seems like the thousandth time. It’s hard to recall the last time she was this nervous over something. Something non Sana related at least. 

She scrolls through her emails on her phone, trying not to whine with annoyance when she sees everything she has on her agenda the next few weeks and how busy she’s gonna be. On a regular day to day basis, she was a fairly busy woman anyway. It was nothing short of a miracle at how good she was at scheduling and planning, but it allowed her to spend the time she wanted with Sana.

“Does this look okay?” Sana’s voice is soft and shy and Joy continues clicking through her emails as she stands up and goes to greet Sana. 

What she didn’t expect though, is to be greeted by Sana wearing possibly the sexiest thing she could’ve ever imagined her in. High white boots, a short orange tube dress, and some expensive looking necklace to top it all off. It also seemed like this was the first occasion Joy had been around her where she had opted for contacts and did away with her glasses for the night. Did Sana always look like she was getting ready for a runway?

Joy’s mouth goes dry at the sight. Sana was always sexy to her, whether it be in jeans and a hoodie or her barista outfit. But this was something that Joy didn’t even consider, the fact that Sana could look like a literal model. This night was supposed to be all about Joy seducing Sana, but it seemed like it was the other way around right now.

She takes a single long step toward Sana, playing with the ends of her hair. Her hands twitch with the thought of wanting to do so many things with her. “I really, really want to kiss you right now.”

Sana’s laugh she gets in return is soft. “So do it.” She reaches out for the sides of Joy’s shirt and pulls her in even closer.

Joy takes Sana’s chin and tilts it up before leaning in. She knows this isn’t really the best timing for this, and this definitely can’t progress into making out because then she wouldn’t want to leave the apartment at all. Their lips move slowly against each other before Joy uses her last remaining willpower to pull away.

“If you’re done getting ready, we should go now. I can call the cab.” Joy steps away from Sana and quickly looks up the number of a cab company, not at all willing to let herself get distracted by the other girl any longer. After the cab confirms he’s on the way, she distracts herself with some game on her phone, completely turned away from Sana. 

When the cab arrives, Joy fights against the instinct to hold Sana’s hand. It was almost second nature to her now. It didn’t have to be sexual or anything remotely like it, but touching Sana and being close to her was part of her daily routine now. She does her best to ignore Sana’s pouting, even when Sana nudges her hand.

The club is mostly like she remembered. A few more men than she’d like and the prices have gone up just a little, but still not nearly as bad as the clubs close to campus. Music loud enough to wake the dead and plenty of people looking for someone to share the night with. When they make their way past the bouncer and to the bar, Joy realizes she had forgotten just how bold alcohol made people in approaching strangers. Even strangers that had clearly brought people with them.

A slightly older woman, in her early thirties at her latest slides down next to her, bringing two shots of an unknown dark alcohol with her. Joy didn’t really have a particular taste for older women, but it was hard not to notice just how striking this woman was. Under different circumstances, she might’ve seen how things played out between them.

“Hi. I don’t believe we’ve met.”

Joy looks over to her left, where Sana is looking in the opposite direction, seemingly having found something interesting in the distance. Part of her just wants to take the free drink being offered to her, but she knows it’ll invite this stranger into her space far longer than she wants her to be.

“Sorry, I’m with someone,” she shrugs lamely and motions over to Sana who still hasn’t looked back in her direction. Joy lets her left hand loop around Sana’s waist, to try and show it isn’t a lie she’s making up just to get away from her.

The stranger just laughs. “Does she know you’re with her? She doesn’t seem all that interested.”

Joy feels Sana tense up, but she remains completely silent. If this kept going on for much longer, she imagined there was a possibility it wouldn’t end well for her.

“She does. And I’m not interested. You can keep the shot too.”

The woman throws her hands up in a show of giving up, and finally leaves Joy alone. Sana finally untenses but she still refuses to make eye contact with Joy. Joy nudges her gently and leans in so Sana can actually hear her without her having to yell.

“Sorry. That happens sometimes. Surprised she didn’t get to you first.”

Sana scoffs, but she finally meets Joy’s eyes. She seems to soften when Joy smiles at her. “Oh, please. Everyone has been looking at you since the moment we got in. You look like you just came off the set of some music video.”

Joy just shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. I’ve been looking at you the entire time. Their loss.”

Oh, that was a classic Joy line right there. And it turns out to be 100% effective. Sana turns bright red before gently elbowing her. “I’m sure lots of girls have heard that one before.”

“Mm, maybe,” seeing now that she’s got her foot in the door, Joy sees it’s time to turn up the heat on her attempts. She leans in even closer, if that were possible and her voice goes low. “Would you tell me if it was working?”

Sana doesn’t offer an answer, but when she turns another shade of red Joy sees that she hasn’t lost her touch after all. She smiles to herself triumphantly and orders them two mixed drinks. Something they’ll at least feel, but nothing that would make them spit it out in horror. She thinks back to the first time she had flirted with Sana, and how she had blamed her fumbling of the situation on the drinks she had. Maybe it really hadn’t been about that after all. 

It doesn’t take Joy long at all to down her drink, but Sana nurses hers slowly. Joy orders another of the same while Sana is a little over halfway done with her first one. It surprises Joy when Sana volunteers to take a shot without any prompting, but she knows her limit before she gets really drunk so she takes a long drink of water instead.

Sana keeps finding ways to surprise Joy, which continues when she’s the first one to pull them out to the dance floor. She’s not wasted, but judging by how she moves and the slight slur of her words it’s definitely already taking effect. 

They find their own little corner that’s slightly less crowded than the rest of the dance floor. Joy starts to feel one step behind as Sana locks her hands behind Joy’s neck, moving against her mercilessly. The shock doesn’t wear off and she can’t tear her eyes away from Sana. The beat is loud, and Sana is able to move to it with ease.

Joy is finally able to regain some of her senses and she places steady hands on her waist, which only serves to spur Sana on. There isn’t a day that goes by that Sana isn’t surprising Joy somehow, but this night is already winning by a mile. They’re surrounded by people, even with some pairs of eyes on them, but it doesn’t matter. They’re lost in their own little world, everyone else around them be damned.

It’s far too easy to lose track of time, or anything else not related to this girl directly in front of her. But she’s selfish. She doesn’t want to share Sana with anyone else. Not the other people in the club, not their cab driver, not anyone. She knows it might finally be time. 

Joy reluctantly slows their dancing and cups around her mouth before leaning next to Sana’s ear. “Let’s get out of here.”

Sana peers at her with glassy eyes and nods slowly. She wraps both of her arms around one of Joy’s and clings to her as Joy pushes her way through the sea of bodies. She doesn’t let go of her or lessen their space when they get outside and Joy is in the middle of calling a cab. 

Joy feels dizzy, knowing what might be coming next. It shouldn’t feel like she’s some overwhelmed infatuated teenager who can’t hear anything except their heart beating against the inside of their chest. But that’s exactly what it is. This is what she had wanted and she can’t complain and can’t turn back.

The cab rolls up slowly with the driver sticking his arm out the window and waving it aggressively, most likely hoping to have them get in the cab before he’s forced to circle around the block. Sana reluctantly lets go of Joy and gets in, while Joy walks around the the other side. Joy’s older sister instincts she can’t ignore kick in, and she makes sure that Sana is buckled in properly.

They sit in near silence as the driver hums along to the very low sound of the music. If Joy were a lesser woman, she’d probably be thinking of the right moment to start running her hand along Sana’s thigh, taunting her. But that isn’t what she wants, and not immediately what comes to mind. 

All the possibilities flip through her mind when she glances over and sees Sana’s right hand laying palm up in the middle seat. Was it an invitation? Was she waiting for Joy to take it? Joy slides her hand over slowly and laces their fingers together, allowing herself to be maybe the most intimate she’s been with Sana all night. 

When she notices Sana’s smile out of the corner of her eye, she gives their hands a soft squeeze. Neither of them say a single word the entire rest of the way there.

\---

Somehow the ride back felt both longer and shorter than Joy had expected. She couldn’t tell if it was her palm that was sweaty, or Sana’s. Maybe both. But neither of them had even attempted to pull their hands apart the whole way back. Sana had her head rested against the back of the seat and was staring out the window. Joy wasn’t sure what it meant, this charged silenced. She felt like there was an itch underneath her skin that she couldn’t scratch. There wasn’t anything she wanted more than to touch Sana.

The car pulled to a stop in front of Sana's apartment. Joy quickly grabs the remaining cash she has and shoves it into the cab driver’s hand, not caring if she had gotten her change back. Sana says nothing, but lets Joy carefully help her out of the car. Joy waves the cab driver off and Sana’s eyes follow the car until it’s completely out of sight.

“So, that was-” Joy is cut off almost as soon as she starts and she squeaks out of surprise when her back hits the front door to the apartment building. Sana’s lips are on hers and she can taste the alcohol on her breath. Their mouths meet with a bruising force that Joy hasn’t ever seen from Sana before. Sana’s hands hold Joy’s head in place and Joy’s hands fall uselessly to her side. Every nerve in her body feels like a livewire but she can’t make any of her body do what she wants it to. 

Sana nips at her bottom lip and Joy groans, allowing just enough space for Sana to push her tongue into her mouth. There’s no hesitation from Sana any longer, with her hands now moving down Joy’s body, and Joy can’t stop from whimpering helplessly into her mouth. The smell of Sana’s perfume and the alcohol in her system does nothing to help her.

This should be the perfect moment for her with everything playing out exactly how she wanted it to. Sana is here in front of her and every sign saying she’s more than willing. But Joy can’t ignore the mental wall that pops up in her head. That even though this is exactly what she wanted, this isn’t how she wants it. As much as she wants it to be, the moment isn’t the one she wants for them. The last thing she’d ever want to do is take advantage of her.

She finally gathers up enough strength to stop Sana’s wandering hands, grabbing her gently by the wrists. Sana pulls back and looks at her with concern, but her body doesn’t move away from Joy’s.

“Sorry, I’m just...I’m drunk,” Joy gives her a half smile. She wasn’t drunk, not really. Not by her standards at least. But it was an excuse she knew Sana would respect, and something that wouldn’t make her feel less wanted. “That isn’t how I want to do things.”

Sana’s eyes widen and she shakes her head rapidly. “Don’t apologize. I should’ve asked. I lost track of how much the both of us had been drinking.”

Joy reaches out and gently moves the hair away from Sana’s face. “It’s okay, really. I want to. But under different circumstances.” Sana seems to perk up a little hearing that, realizing that she wasn’t about to force Joy into anything. “I’m about to be really busy the next few weeks. But winter break I have a lot of free time since most of the girls go home for break.”

The wind whistles as it picks up and Joy tugs Sana closer to her when she sees the girl shiver, not at all protected from the cold in her dress. She rubs Sana’s arms, hoping to at least warm her up a little bit more for the remainder of the conversation.

“I’m actually going back home. On the morning of the 23rd.” Sana seems disappointed, and Joy is too. Because of course this perfect period of time they could be spending together had to be stopped by something. “I won’t be back until late on the last day of break.”

It only takes her a second to realize that there actually was an opening, a perfect opportunity with those dates. “Come to my party. On the 22nd. It’s our last big party before everyone goes home. This is one of our biggest ones, and everyone is usually trying to hook up right before break so nobody will pay attention to what I’m doing. And Yeri will be there! So it’ll be totally not weird for you to be there.”

At this point they’re quite lucky nobody has come in or out of the apartment. They’re cuddled up against the door, taking their time. Joy wishes it was more though, because she knows this will be the last time she sees Sana in weeks. 

Sana doesn’t look up, but nods against Joy’s shoulder. “I’ll be there.” 

Joy smiles realizing she has something to look forward to in the coming weeks now and plants a soft kiss against the side of Sana’s head. It’s far too cold and far too late to continue doing whatever this is, so she goes to detach herself from Sana but finds that Sana isn’t loosening her grip on her even a little.

“Stay the night. Please. It’s late and you can’t drive and I don’t want you to take a cab by yourself. Even if it isn’t far.” Oh, right. Sana thought she was drunk. But even if she wasn’t, it probably was smarter not to drive. “We don’t have to do anything, obviously. I can sleep on the couch.”

Joy’s heart picks up with every word Sana says to her. She wasn’t even sure why, considering it was worse compared to her heart rate when Sana had nearly tried to fuck her against an outside door. Maybe it was how gentle Sana was with Joy in general. The way she touched her, looked at her, treated her. Not that Joy deserved any of it, but it did feel nice to have someone care in that way.

She murmurs her confirmation about staying over and some joke about needing to wear a chastity belt, which gets her a swat on the arm from Sana. They hold hands the entire way up to Sana’s apartment, reminiscent of how they wouldn’t let go of each other in the car either. Sana lends her an extremely comfortable oversized sleep shirt to sleep in along with a pair of shorts and Joy is more than happy to take them.

Sana tries to force Joy to take the bed, but Joy had come up with some excuse about how that she had spent so much time on Sana’s couch that it was like a second home to her. Sana learned pretty quickly that you couldn’t change Joy’s mind about something when it was set, so she relents and gives her a heavy spare blanket and a pillow that was in the closet. 

They exchange shy goodnights, not at all willing to try a goodnight kiss. Not only was that far too domestic, Joy was not trying to relive how turned on she had been not even an hour ago. Thankfully, her attention easily shifted to other things. Mainly the fact that this thing with Sana was becoming one of the biggest parts of her life.

It was never meant to be this way, not when all she had wanted to do originally was hook up with the cute girl who had stumbled into her life by showing up to a birthday party she didn’t even care about. But there wasn’t anything she could do about it for the moment, so she lays her head against the pillow and lets herself fall into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well. surprise! got super inspired and got 5k words out like it was nothing. idk how it happened. can't promise it'll always happen this often tho asfgjhgfjh just got crazy inspired recently and it went from there...anyway, hopefully at this point you'll start to notice some changes in joy....i'll leave the rest for yall to figure out
> 
> song for this chapter is talk by dj snake


	7. where do you end and i begin?

Initially, Joy had been determined not to cross certain lines. Most of them really just involved not doing things like people in real romantic relationships do. Because this isn't a real romantic relationship. Nope. It was two people who enjoyed each other’s company, maybe even liked each other a bit, that sometimes hung out and did some physical stuff. Made sense to Joy. 

But somehow, despite her fights against herself not to do anything that would give anyone the impression they were dating, she found herself in Sana’s kitchen making breakfast. She wasn’t going to let herself overthink it though. She was grateful to Sana for giving her a place to sleep last night after their little club outing, and she wanted to find a way to show how grateful she was. She’d do it for anyone else. Probably.

She focuses intently on chopping and measuring, making a poor attempt at disregarding that unscratchable itch that appears back under her skin when she thinks about what nearly happened the night before. The way Sana had her pushed up against the door had flustered her so badly she could barely think straight. But Sana was about to give her everything she had wanted from the situation in the first place, so why couldn’t she do it? The excuses she had made to herself seem less plausible every minute.

The small meal for two is nearly finished and she’s turning off the water from washing her hands when she feels a soft and warm weight against her back. A grin overtakes her face at the very welcome intrusion and distraction from the increasing anxiety over their situation. Slender arms wrap around her waist and Sana buries her head against Joy’s shoulder.

“Good morning, I made food.” All she gets in reply is a grumble into her shoulder. Joy’s face burns when she realizes just how close they came last night and that Sana could likely be ready to initiate things whenever she wanted. Thankfully, Sana’s hands don’t wander and she seems to be content to simply be attached to Joy.

Joy tries to walk over the table she had set but Sana’s grip doesn’t release. “You know, if you don’t let me go we can’t eat.” Sana grumbles again, but loosens her grip enough for Joy to free herself. Joy takes Sana’s wrist and pulls her over to the table.

They eat quietly and exchange small talk. It feels...nice. In a way that Joy can’t really explain. Being around Sana is calming for her. It feels like a break from everything else in her life. They’re finishing their meal and Joy finds herself smiling stupidly at Sana, which gets her a puzzled look in return.

Dishes get placed in the sink and Joy sits on the couch as Sana freshens up for the day. Sana comes out of her bathroom in a college hoodie, sweatpants, and her glasses back. Joy can’t help but think she looks like a dream.

Maybe it’s the events of last night that make her bolder. Sana’s looking at her curiously when Joy beckons her over. Joy thanks any higher power that’s listening that she remembered to bring her spare toothbrush so she wouldn’t taste like morning breath.

Sana sits next to her with plenty of space between them, nervously tapping her fingers against her legs. Sober Sana is nearly a completely different person than drunk Sana. She was normally very affectionate, but she had been most likely embarrassed by her attitude last night. As sweet and touchy as she was with Joy in private, she could sometimes be equally as shy.

Joy reaches over and stills Sana’s nervous tapping before pulling her hand and placing it against her cheek. Sana finally turns to her, eyes searching across her face for something. Joy moves herself closer to the end of the couch, slowly reclining. Sana inhales sharply before moving to lean over her.

Their moves are slow and deliberate. Sana takes her time moving her hands down Joy’s sides. It’s almost torturous, but Joy knows what it means. Sana doesn’t want to take any chances, force Joy to do anything she wouldn’t want to do. She’s waiting for Joy to tell her no or to make it clear they’re just going to make out like they usually do. Her eyes are searching Joy’s face for something again, and she finally finds it. Her green light.

Sana ducks her head down and kisses Joy like she’s sure now. Sure that this is exactly what she wants. Sana slowly pushes her shirt up, but just enough not to reveal anything. Joy thinks this is what it must feel like to be going crazy, because she’s never needed anyone to touch her this badly before.

Having decided she’s sick of this slow burn Sana is playing at, she pulls the girl down fully on top of her and Sana grunts in surprise. The soft body against her is pleasing, especially now that she has something to move against.

Their kisses are quickly becoming more heated, the only sound filling the room along with their pleased sighs. Joy does as much as she can to try to get Sana to take action, grinding upwards against her. Sana has the nerve to laugh at her and rubs her thumb against her hip.

It only takes a moment for Joy to decide she’s had enough and she hooks her fingers into the waistband of Sana’s sweatpants. She hesitates a moment before pulling down, but right before she does, Sana’s head jerks away. In a flurry of movement, Sana is off of her and pulling Joy to her feet. It’s only then she realizes why Sana is so panicked. There’s a key turning in the door.

Before she can bolt for Sana’s bedroom, the door swings open. A girl their age with long black hair and straight across bangs stares perplexed at the both of them. She drops her keys on the kitchen counter and looks at Sana expectantly, clearly waiting for her to start the conversation that none of them want to have.

“Hi Momo, this is Joy. She’s a…” Sana trails off and Joy shuffles behind her, suddenly feeling very self-conscious in front of this girl. Sure, she was probably plenty nice and normal but anyone introduced like this would undoubtedly feel the same way. 

Momo seems to understand without the sentence even finishing. Sana turns to look back at Joy sympathetically before walking up to Momo to engage in their own private conversation. From what she can hear, Joy notices they’re definitely speaking in fluent Japanese. Momo glances back over at her before going back to speaking quietly with Sana.

“I’m just gonna uh,” Joy clears her throat, drawing the attention of the two girls to her. “I’m going to go change and leave. It was nice to meet you, Momo.”

This seems to fully grab Sana’s attention and her eyes widen before she steps over and takes Joy’s hand in her own. “You don’t have to go. There was just a miscommunication between us about when she was gonna be back and I thought she’d be at her girlfriend’s place a little longer.”

It’s tempting to say the least, to just stay with Sana and get lost in their time together. But she knows if she doesn’t leave now, it’ll take an act of God to force her away. The more time she spends with Sana, the harder it gets to leave her each time.

“I’ll text you, okay? And I’ll see you at my party.” Sana frowns but nods her response. It’s easy to forget there’s another person in the room with them, because it feels like they’re in their own little world. Joy figures right then she doesn’t have to be concerned about Momo, considering how freely Sana was affectionate with her in front of her roommate. But it doesn’t stop her from hesitating before leaning forward for a chaste kiss.

Momo and Sana sit in the living room and chat idly while Joy collects her belongings, promising to return Sana’s shirt and sleep shorts to her when they see each other again. Momo snickers when Sana whines about her “forcing” Joy out, and Joy is thankful Momo is someone they have in their corner when it feels all too difficult to come by allies these days.

\---

Joy can’t remember a time in her life when the days had dragged on this slowly before. 

Everyone in the house excitedly chats about their boyfriends or girlfriends, what they’re going to do for break, their grand vacation plans. But Joy is stuck. Stuck because she never goes home for winter break, and stuck without Sana. Sure they’ve been texting every now and then, but it isn’t enough.

It feels childish to constantly text Sana to ask her how she’s doing or if she’s thinking about her, so she doesn’t. Wanting it doesn’t matter, not when acting like they’re in a relationship could put her in a place to be hurt. She knows it isn’t what she’s good at, so she stays away from it. 

Outside of her constantly packed schedule of meetings, organizing events, and doing her part to provide a good image for the sorority, she found her days started to feel empty. Most of the girls were involved with someone, were hooking up, or were heavily involved in the party scene. Currently, Joy had none of those things.

“So, I have a friend.” Jennie slides in next to Joy, where Joy had been mindlessly chewing on carrot sticks while writing some paper that was due soon.

“Okay…,” Joy puts down the carrot in her hand and turns to Jennie skeptically. “And what about her?”

“Don’t play dumb, casanova,” Jennie pokes her in the shoulder. “You know what kind of friend I mean. Someone very cute, from another sorority, and very interested.”

Truthfully, it was only going to be a matter of time anyway until this happened. Her friends had a bad habit of trying to set her up. Yeri had learned her lesson fairly quickly, that Joy would get what she needed from the hookups and move on. But the other girls, not so much. Jennie was a first though, and it didn’t help the growing feeling of unease in Joy’s gut.

She wants to shoot her down immediately, a simple no and back to her paper. But she knows Jennie is a smart girl. Smart enough to dissect her answer and look at it from every possible angle. Right now, she has a fine line to walk. How she’s going to walk it is something she’ll have to figure out fast.

“I’m focusing on myself right now. So,” she gestures vaguely at herself. “I don’t think I should get into anything. You know?”

Jennie looks at her, bewildered. “Focusing on yourself? Joy. You’re clearly hooking up with other people. Everyone knows, we just don’t know who. So we figured it was unimportant.”

Joy winces and something flashes across Jennie’s face in a split second that Joy can’t quite recognize. Did she just accidentally confirm something to her?

“Ah, so there is someone. Or multiple people. Never know with you. But I do know it isn’t serious, because if you were dating for real, then we’d know. Hell, the whole school would know.”

It feels like Jennie is waiting for her to deny again, or to say anything else just so she can pull it apart. Joy realizes her best defense might be saying as little as possible to the girl in hopes she’ll just give up.

“I’m just not interested,” she turns back to her computer. “Tell your friend I’m sure she’s nice but it wouldn’t work out.”

The sound of her typing fills the room as Jennie gives her one last analyzing look before leaving the living room.

Jennie knowing she was “seeing” someone wasn’t good. Because if Jennie knew, then Irene definitely knew. And if those two knew, then Jennie wasn’t lying and everyone knew. Not that she had done a stellar job of hiding it with Seulgi finding out and Tzuyu knowing she liked someone.

The confrontation brought up another problem, though. Why didn’t she just say yes? It wasn’t like she was in a relationship. Because they weren’t dating. Nope. She was free to see absolutely any person she wanted to, guilt free. It would be totally fine, and Sana was also allowed to do the same. No problem at all.

\---

When the 22nd finally arrived, Joy could barely contain herself. It felt like every tedious moment dedicated solely to the sorority and her schooling had been worth it just to see Sana again. They still hadn’t been texting that much, but at this point it was mostly down to how stressed Joy was. Given her workload, it wasn’t that much of a surprise.

Aside from finally getting to see Sana again, the confrontation with Jennie had been gnawing at her insides. The absolute last thing she needed was for Irene to catch on that she had a thing with Sana. Especially considering she had still avoided smoothing things out with her, and the fact that her reputation and presidency would absolutely take a hit for being romantically entangled with someone like Sana.

There was a scale constantly being weighed in her mind counting down to the party. The pros and cons of even just interacting with Sana publicly. But at the end of it, she comes to a conclusion. She doesn’t care. Nobody can prove anything from them just talking together at a party where everyone is drunk and also talking to everyone. And even if they thought something, she would use everything in her arsenal to deny it and make it believable.

She does her best to be a good host. Joy tries not to push herself too much, or be too over the top about it. Coming off overly fake would also set off some alarm bells. But she’d mingle with her guests. Most of them were dying for just a moment of her time anyway. It was a mutually beneficial set up.

Unfortunately, Yeri has stuck to her side all night long. Usually, this wasn’t something she minded. They were a bit of a dynamic duo, and nothing really ever came in between them. But tonight, after having downed a couple shots far too quickly right before accepting a mixed drink from Nayeon, Yeri was tipsy and somehow unable to separate herself from Joy. At least it provided a cover for her.

“Nobody here cute enough for her majesty? I’ve seen at least five people look like they’re ready to drop down on their knees and beg for your hand in marriage.”

Joy rolled her eyes. Yeri was mostly playful when she was drunk, but she occasionally attempted to provoke her. Which only worsened with the lack of filter.

“I’m just not feeling it.” It wasn’t like she was lying when she said this. It was completely true. But there was a bit of an omission she was more than happy to leave out. Yeri seemed happy to leave it at that though, although Joy knew that wouldn’t be the last she heard of it.

She had grown tired of playing ambassador to every person she didn’t know, but Sana still hadn’t gotten here and there was really nothing else to do. Drinking was off the table because she needed to keep her wits about her for the night.

As the minutes ticked by she grew increasingly anxious. After tonight, she wasn’t going to see Sana until break was over. She hadn’t even really enjoyed her first bit of vacation that had only started the day before. All she could think about was Sana. Almost as if her brain was stuck on a loop.

The party seemed to be at a high point when she felt a buzz in her pocket. Joy manages to pull her phone out and angle it away from Yeri’s line of sight when she sees Sana’s text.

Sana: _here :)_

It was near embarrassing how hard it was for her not to smile and gush just now like a schoolgirl. Thankfully even if she had, Yeri was way too tipsy to take notice. She took a deep breath and played it cool with the mixed sound of the music and her own ever increasing heartbeat in her ears.

“Whoa, they’re here together? Didn’t realize they were still friends. Weird.”

Joy looks over to the direction Yeri was facing and her stomach drops. There’s Sana, every perfect bit of her. She looks more than gorgeous in simple jeans and a gray turtleneck. But she’s with someone. She has her hands securely attached to the arm of a gorgeous girl. Tall, dark brown hair that goes just past her shoulders. She could’ve been a model for all Joy knew.

Her throat is dry all of a sudden. “Who is that?” Her voice comes out meek, completely unlike her.

“Her? Well, you know Sana. The one you tried to hook up with. That’s her ex, Jeongyeon. Jeongyeon actually introduced us. Dated foreeeeever, like, two years? Broken up for a while, though. Haven’t really seen them together in a while.”

God, it made so much sense. Jeongyeon was the “mutual friend” that Sana had mentioned forever ago. Of course it was her ex girlfriend. And of course her ex girlfriend was absolutely stunning and here at her own party. Sana wasn’t at fault and Joy couldn’t bring herself to be mad, but it still felt like a slap in the face.

Sana is chatting happily with Jeongyeon when she turns her head and sees Joy. She grins and tugs Jeongyeon along with her. All four of them are face to face now, and Joy can feel Jeongyeon carefully looking her over. Analytical, not sexual in the least.

It’s apparent that Joy is the first person Sana wants to greet, but she seems to realize that wouldn’t be normal for their situation. Her mouth clamps shut, and she looks towards Yeri.

“Hi, fancy seeing you here.”

Yeri giggles. “Well, it is my house. But I didn’t invite you, so I’m surprised you’re here.”

Sana blanches and Joy sucks in her cheeks. Yep. They had definitely forgotten Yeri was the only person who Sana was really friends with here. Normally not a problem, since friends of the board had an implied invitation without needing to be told or asked to come. But Sana appearing at any of these was an extremely rare event, so usually she had to be bothered about it until she finally agreed on showing up.

“Buuut who cares? Because I’m glad you’re here! I haven’t seen either of you in ages. Especially you, Jeongyeon. You’re way too busy like all the time, and you’re definitely about to go do shots with me.” Jeongyeon goes to protest but Yeri is already dragging her away to the kitchen.

Joy and Sana stand there awkwardly, wondering just what had happened. Maybe Yeri being drunk and having the habit of forcing everyone to get drunk with her was a blessing after all.

“You made it.” Joy’s voice is soft, but she can’t help it. It feels like the time they had been separated was months, and finally getting to see Sana in person again was just what she needed to relax.

Sana seems a bit confused at the suggestion she would do anything except be there. “Of course. You invited me here, why wouldn’t I?”

Joy decides right then and there that Sana is more dangerous than she lets on. Not because of how attractive she was, or how she might’ve secretly been equally as good at seduction, but because of the things she says. The simple things. The things that shouldn’t make Joy feel like there’s nothing else that could make her happier in that moment.

Joy opens her mouth to say something else when she feels a very obnoxious arm thrown around her shoulder and a cup being shoved into her hand.

“Hey buddy, sorry we took so long. Got a shot for you. Sorry about the cup, definitely would’ve dropped and broken a shot glass trying to carry it here though.” Maybe the blessing in disguise bit was thought of too soon. Yeri hands the cup in her other hand to Sana and Sana peers inside before wrinkling her nose.

“C’mon guys. Everyone is going home tomorrow, so why not?” Yeri meant no harm. As a drunk person having a good time for no apparent reason, she wanted her friends to also be drunk people having a good time for no apparent reason. And one shot wouldn’t hurt anything, it certainly wouldn’t get them drunk.

Joy decides that when it comes down to it, this won’t matter. She throws her head back and takes the shot easily. Sana does the same, but with a disgusted look on her face following her drink. Joy laughs, finding it hard not to think everything Sana did was extremely cute.

It doesn’t take Yeri long now to lose interest in whatever Joy is doing, her attention bouncing between anything that seems interesting at the moment. She’s pulled Jeongyeon in with her too, which makes it easier for Joy to drag Sana off to a slightly more secluded spot without them causing too much of a fuss.

They’re in some dark abandoned corner, a complete contrast to the overpopulated living room and backyard. Joy hooks her fingers in Sana’s belt loops to pull her close and Sana giggles. She resists the urge to kiss her right then and there, knowing it most likely would not end very well for either of them.

“I missed you. All I’ve been thinking about is seeing you before you left.”

Some part of her statement seems to catch Sana off guard, but she doesn’t know what exactly it is. Maybe it was how straight forward she was being about how she felt. She can’t really blame it on the alcohol either, this was all her.

“I missed you too. You’re a terrible texter, by the way.” 

Joy laughs. A real laugh, loud and unrestrained. It felt good to have Sana in her space again, being Sana. But it also felt like torture having her this close and being unable to kiss her. She reasons with herself that nobody is around, and it wouldn’t hurt to just kiss her once and be done with it. Easier said than done, but it could never hurt to try.

“Joy?” A questioning voice comes from around the corner, and they jump apart. Tzuyu pops her head from behind the wall. “Sorry, Yeri asked where you had gone. She wanted me to check to make sure you hadn’t died? Her words, not mine.”

Irritation vibrates throughout her entire body and it takes all her willpower not to let it show. Not at Tzuyu, who was doing an innocent task for a friend. Not even at Yeri, who was most likely just attempting to be jokingly irritating. But at the entire universe for not giving her just one moment of alone time with the girl she so desperately needed it with.

“You can tell her I’m fine. And make sure to cut her off. I don’t need to hear her in the morning complaining about her hangover.”

Tzuyu studies the scene only for a moment longer before nodding and leaving them in peace. Joy inhales deeply, knowing it’ll only ruin her own night if she lets her frustration get the better of her. Sana seems to be able to sense it and closes the gap between them. She reaches up and presses her palm against Joy’s face, and Joy immediately melts into the touch.

“Don’t stress out so much, okay? We still have time. Don’t worry about everyone else.” Sana’s voice is soft and soothing, and Joy can only nod while her hands slide down to wrap gently around Sana’s waist. She ducks her head and finally gets her long awaited kiss. They pull away from each other after only a moment, even though a very short kiss isn’t nearly enough for either of them.

“Sana, you disappeared on me and I wanted to make sure everything was good. And, uh, oh…” Jeongyeon stutters as she realizes just what she walked into. She purses her lips and stands there awkwardly, not quite sure how to go back in time and walk away from the scene.

As a natural response, Sana goes to quickly move out of Joy’s space, but Joy’s hold on her waist tightens. Sana looks at Joy for an answer, but Joy’s eyes are locked on Jeongyeon.

“She’s fine. We’re both fine, actually. So fine in fact, that we don’t need anyone to look for us or track us down. Would you mind telling everyone else that?” Joy’s words come out especially icy and it’s just then she realizes Sana had never seen that side of her. She’d only ever been playful or sweet, rarely greasy. Popular president Joy was someone who rarely surfaced, and when she did it usually wasn’t the benefit for the person on the other end of it.

Jeongyeon’s eyes narrow, but she doesn’t fight it. The situation itself doesn’t seem to surprise her, which makes Joy think she had already known about it. She seemed more embarrassed than anything to walk in on her ex girlfriend’s intimate moment with another girl.

Not wanting to wait for a response, Joy gently takes Sana’s wrist and drags her past Jeongyeon and up the stairs before they can be seen. She opens the door to her room and takes a quick look inside to make sure no stragglers had found their way in. When she knows it’s clear, she pulls them both inside and locks the door behind her.

Wanting to immediately resume their activities, she leans in for another kiss. When she’s leaning into nothing but empty space, she frowns and realizes Sana had backed away just enough to not be within kissing distance any longer.

“Jeongyeon and I aren’t together. We haven’t been for a very long time.” Her tone is serious, but there’s an underlying amusement in her voice.

Joy is embarrassed, realizing her actions had clearly been a result of outright jealousy with a dash of frustration. 

“I know, I know. I just...ugh. You know,” she puffs her cheeks out and shakes her head. “I was annoyed. At everything. All I’ve wanted to do all night is be with you.”

Sana’s eyes soften and she takes a step closer to Joy, putting her hands on her arms. “So just be with me then.” 

It doesn’t take more encouragement than that for Joy. She pulls Sana in for a kiss. It’s hard, deliberate. Mirroring what had happened between them a few weeks ago. Except there’s nobody here to accidentally walk in on them. It’s just them.

They both know exactly what they want and exactly where this is headed. Joy doesn’t want to take any moment for granted though. She doesn’t want this to be a rushed job and an embarrassing morning after memory. Her kisses are slow and wanting, like she’s holding herself back. This is what she had wanted, her chance to cross over the finish line. But it isn’t that simple.

Joy pulls away from Sana, panting. Sana stares up at her expectantly, but Joy doesn’t make any kind of move to go further with her.

“We don’t have to do anything. We could go back downstairs, right now, and never have to talk about it again. I want you to be sure.”

Sana gives her a puzzled look, clearly not understanding where any of this is coming from. Hadn’t Joy been the one to initiate the entire situation they were in now?

“I’m not fragile, Joy. I’m not exactly innocent, either. I know what I want, and I knew exactly what was going to happen when you brought me up here.”

Part of Joy wants to stand there and enjoy Sana’s straightforward attitude towards her hesitance, but she doesn’t really have time before Sana pulls her in for another kiss. Not wanting to be outdone, Joy pulls them towards her bed and without warning, tosses Sana on top. Sana squeals out in surprise before Joy joins her and quickly silences her with a kiss.

They take their time, but the moment still doesn’t last long enough for either of them. It’s all a blur of needy hands, wanting mouths, and whimpers. They muffle their moans into each other’s mouths, even though it’s unlikely for them to be heard above the loud music of the party.

There aren’t a lot of times Joy can remember feeling more alive, or more content. The noises Sana makes only serve to spur Joy on. All she can think about is making Sana feel good, making every single second of this count before she has to go longer still without being able to see her.

When it’s over, Joy’s whole body still feels like it’s buzzing. Her head hits the pillow and she lazily turns her head towards Sana, whose breathing is still evening out.

“How are you feeling?” Joy reaches over and brushes some of the hair out of Sana’s face, letting her touch against Sana’s cheek linger.

“Mmm. Sleepy, I think.” Sana yawns, shifting closer to Joy. “But good. Very good.”

A sudden and loud knock at the door interrupts, and Joy is thankful it didn’t come any sooner or else she might’ve had to verbally tear someone apart.

“Joy! Someone puked in the living room. They want to know what to do about it and if we should kick the person out.” She can’t tell who the voice is, but most likely just someone random sent up by one of the board members who didn’t feel like dragging themselves away from the actual fun parts of the party.

She rolls her eyes and begrudgingly pulls herself out of bed, making sure to pull on a shirt and a pair of sweatpants. She hears a soft whine and glances over to see Sana pouting adorably. She looks towards Joy with pleading eyes and she immediately gets the message.

Joy laughs and shakes her head. “I’m coming back to bed, but let me get someone else to take care of this first. I’m definitely not going out to deal with that.” Sana seems pleased with that, so she goes to the door and waves off the errand girl they had sent, telling her to go find Nayeon or someone of similar ranking.

With their last interruption finally out of their hair, Joy feels the last bit of tension leave her body. She doesn’t waste time before locking the door again and sliding back into bed behind Sana. Her arm falls over Sana, and Sana moves herself backwards to cuddle even closer to her.

“Do you think anyone else will come to the door?”

Sleepiness starts to settle in, and Joy realizes she can barely keep her eyes open. “Nope. I turned off my phone, locked the door, and told them to refer to absolutely anybody else for their problems. I’m all yours.”

Sana lets out a pleased hum and pulls Joy’s arm tighter against her. As tired as Joy is, Sana is the one who falls asleep first. Joy takes a moment longer before letting herself succumb to sleep to appreciate what she has in front of her. She thinks how she was wrong about their first kiss, because this was actually their perfect moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yaaaaay joy gets her long awaited moment. could not help but add a little jealousy from joy's end too.....it's just so good
> 
> a lot going on rn but stay safe everyone. hoping my semi frequent updates help ease the boring inside alone time just a bit.
> 
> song for this chapter is you make my heart go by veaux


	8. i get emotional love around you

The sunlight starts to peek through her window and Joy automatically throws an arm over her face just to shield herself a bit longer from it. Her other arm moves away from her, seeking out the person who had been in her bed last night. When the space is empty, she realizes Sana isn’t there. Joy stretches out her limbs, feeling satisfied at the numerous pops of her joints.

It made sense for Sana to leave before she even woke up. It’d be easier to sneak out unnoticed that way, and she did have an early flight to catch to Japan anyway. Disappointment pricks at her, but she wants to chalk it up to wanting to have morning sex. 

Rolling out of bed, she turns her phone back on and waits for any important notifications. Her screen lights up with a few emails. But noticeably a text from Yeri telling her to message her when she gets a chance to.

Joy: _what do you want_

Yeri: _to not be hungover, firstly. second, i found out irene isn’t going home for break either sooooo you know what that means_

Joy groans and resists the urge to chuck her phone across the room. Yeri had been subtly trying to get Joy to apologize ever since the Irene incident. At first she hadn’t pushed it, knowing that Irene wouldn’t really be receptive to it. But Yeri had started to make casual remarks about how it could blow up in her face if she didn’t try eventually. Joy hated that she was 100% right.

It’s a stark contrast from how blissful she had felt last night. What wouldn’t she give to be holding Sana close to her again in a post sex glow. Instead, she’s in her room alone and forced to confront a situation that did nothing but fill her with anxiety.

Cleaning herself up and getting ready for the day takes her longer than it usually does, perhaps slowed down by her dread towards the thought of confronting Irene. But she was a big girl, this was something she needed to do. She couldn’t ignore it forever, not when it was someone that she did care about in her own way. She might’ve regretted how things ended, how bad their relationship had gotten and not knowing how to better manage it, but she didn’t regret Irene.

She typed out and drafted a million different versions of what she would send Irene. Did she make it sound casual? Serious? A mix of both? In the end, she decided it’d be easiest for the middle ground. Don’t make it sound like something terrible had happened, but don’t make it so casual that Irene would think she thought of their situation as a joke. She texted saying she’d like to talk to her and to come up to her room whenever since she’d be home all day doing nothing. Not threatening, and not too soft.

While waiting for Irene she busied herself with one of those popular gacha games on her phone that Sana had been telling her were even more popular in Japan. She had found it a little nerdy, but she couldn’t deny that she might’ve been having a little fun with it.

It was roughly an hour later when she heard a quiet knock to the door, and the turning of the handle. Joy sat up straight, willing herself to look much more calm than she actually was. This could be easy. An apology, maybe a little bit of a discussion, and then they’d be done. Things between them would be clear and not confusing and back to the way they were pre relationship.

Irene doesn’t wait for some kind of signal to come sit by Joy like she usually would. She strides over in silence, sitting next to her on the bed. There’s something different about her today. The purposeful way she moves, it’s not the same as she had been before around Joy when things were awkward between them.

She sucks in a deep breath, hands gripping her own legs anxiously. “So, it’s been a while. But I think we need to talk. About how we left things a few months ago.”

Irene’s face betrays none of what she feels, but she nods curtly. “I agree, we should talk. I’ve been wanting to talk to you as well. I think I should go first.”

“I mean...sure. Yeah. Go ahead.” She was a little confused as to where this initiative was coming from, but she figured she owed it to Irene after leading her on. If she wanted the first word in, then that was the least she could give her.

“I haven’t liked how we left things either. I wanted to be in a relationship again, and I knew you didn’t and I pushed for that. And for that I apologize.”

Joy blinks. Was it supposed to go this smoothly? Because the last she had known, she was public enemy number one to Irene. If she had known it would be this easy, she would’ve done this ages ago.

“That being said, I think we could reach a compromise. I know our romantic relationship didn’t work out, and that’s fine. I know you’re seeing other people in the way you usually do, but I think we could both benefit from continuing our sexual relationship.”

As Irene is talking, Joy is nodding along, just right up until that last part comes out of Irene’s mouth. Joy feels like she probably looks like a cartoon character with how wide her eyes must be. Did she hear that correctly?

“What?” For knowing Irene as long as she had, this was the last thing she ever expected her to say. Solely hooking up or being friends with benefits was so far out of character for her she almost felt like she was talking to an alien.

“Yes. I’ve thought about it. Long and hard. We didn’t do romance well, but the sex always worked well between us.”

Joy just stares at Irene, her brain searching for any universe where this scenario makes sense. “What are you even saying right now?”

Irene rolls her eyes and huffs. “It’s not that hard to comprehend. It wouldn’t have to mean anything. We’re two single adult women who have had good sexual relations in the past.”

Every cell in her body wants her to tell Irene she’s wrong, that she’s not available. But she can’t. Because she isn’t in a relationship, and that’s the truth.

“All I’m saying is, think about it. You don’t have to answer now.” 

Before she can properly respond, Irene makes her way out in silence before leaving her completely alone in her room again.

Joy feels a headache creeping in. That was not how that was supposed to go, at all. She was supposed to finally rid herself of the cloud that had been hanging over both of them, but it didn’t seem like it was going away. She knew they would never work out in the long run, but that wasn’t what Irene was asking for.

But there was nobody waiting for her at the end of the day. Nobody she was committed to, or in a relationship with. So why did she feel like even considering it was a betrayal? Who exactly was she being loyal to?

\---

It’s been exactly five days. Five days since Sana left for Japan, and not one bit of communication between them. Not one text, not one email, not a single message of any type.

Communication between them had typically been pretty mutual, it went pretty back and forth between who started their conversations. But Sana was on vacation right now, spending time with her family away from school. She didn’t want to be the type of person who would interrupt that for her own selfish desires. The problem was, Sana also wasn’t texting her. Sure, she was busy and she had already made mental note of that, but wouldn’t she text Joy if she had really wanted to?

She didn’t know why, but the silence between them was making her panic. Just a bit. So, she turned to the only thing she could do at the time without alerting anyone else. Some very simple online detective work.

Sana’s twitter was something she had searched before, but it didn’t tell her much as she didn’t post that often anymore. Her Instagram was pretty run of the mill. Some cute scenery pics, some nice looking food snapped from Japanese restaurants. Try as she might, there wasn’t anything she could find that would really tell her what Sana was up to currently.

Joy was starting to think this was the point where she should give up and let things be. But on her final check of Sana’s social media, she notices something she hadn’t before.

Since she had used it initially when trying to get close to Sana, Joy hadn’t really thought about checking her Facebook again. But when she did, something stuck out to her. Sana’s birthday. Tomorrow. Sana’s birthday tomorrow, and they weren’t even talking.

Oh God. Joy truly had no idea what she was going to do. Did she text her a quick hello and “hbd”? Did she send her a formal email telling her happy birthday and wishing her the best? She didn’t even know what Sana was to her, she had no idea how to do something like this. So maybe she’d start with getting her a gift. Everyone loved gifts, so this could be the easy part.

But what did Sana like? Well, it was nerdy stuff. She played gacha games on her phone, some games on her computer, and she read a lot. Now Joy didn’t know exactly what games she liked, but Sana had mentioned a manga she had been reading and how she hadn’t caught up on the past few releases. So, Joy would get her a couple of those and she’d call it a day.

The problem was, Joy really did not want to be seen at a place like that. She admittedly didn’t really share any of Sana’s hobbies, and she didn’t need people thinking she was into that kind of stuff either. It’d be easier for her to just order online, sure. But when the online shop said “out of stock”, it felt like her hand was being forced.

For this outing, disguising herself would have to do. She would tie up her hair, throw on a baseball cap, and wear a face mask. There’s no way she’d be recognized, because nobody in her sorority would likely even be shopping in the same places. Her plan would be to walk in, immediately locate the manga section, grab what she needs, and get out. Simple.

She had found a cute little corner store to buy from. It was one Sana had mentioned in passing before, so she was sure they’d have what she needed. But walking in, she realized it would not be that easy. The place was _packed_. There were wall to wall figurines, trading cards, posters. Plus, an entire basement of even more of everything. All of it was really just giving her a migraine.

After what seemed like hours, which truthfully was probably less than 20 minutes, she had found the section she had set out for. Shelves lined with manhwa and manga, more books than anyone could ever possibly read in one lifetime. Joy scanned carefully, checking the titles to make sure she absolutely didn’t grab the wrong one and be forced to come back to this place. 

It takes a little longer than she would have liked, but after careful checking and rechecking of the title just to make sure it’s the correct one, she knows she has most definitely found the right one.

“Joy? Is that you?”

The voice startles her so badly that when she whips around, she nearly knocks the other person over. She fumbles with the manga in her hands momentarily while taking a second to realize who it is. Mina, her sorority treasurer. Of course someone she saw nearly every day would recognize her through a mask and a hat.

“Uh...yes?” Smooth. She could tell this conversation was going to go very well.

Mina looks around, glancing at the manga in her hand. “What are you doing here? I didn’t know you were into this kind of stuff.”

Joy shakes her head quickly. “I’m not! This is a gift. For a friend, that I know. A friend that I know. What are you doing here? I thought you were going back to Japan.” It had been proven time and time again Joy was not a good liar when caught off guard, so really her best defense at this point was flipping the entire conversation.

The girl looks at Joy, clearly confused but fortunately not offended for having a blatant cover up pushed on her. “A friend that you know...right. My flight isn’t until tomorrow, early in the morning. I tend to split break time between here and home. I got bored and wanted to do some shopping.”

Conversation between the two quickly dies out, both of them realizing this had been a mistake to even initiate instead of running away from, with Joy clearly not wanting to reveal what she was up to. Without much more to say, Mina gives her a half smile and says a quick goodbye before going back to what she was doing. Joy makes a mental note to apologize for every awkward moment later. But for now, she had bigger things to worry about.

\---

The rest of Joy’s break had mostly just been filled with things to pass the time. She had been avoiding Irene more intensely than she had ever done in her life, which was made a little easier by the fact that Irene hadn’t approached her at all afterwards.

Pretty much the entire sorority had gone back home, save for a few people she wasn’t that close with and who had other friends to spend time with. But having time to herself suited her just fine. She was able to find things to do like read or workout or find new recipes to try out. It would’ve been even more fine if she hadn’t been nervously awaiting the next time she’d see Sana again.

Even though she had been able to find something nice for Sana’s birthday they hadn’t been able to see each other for, Joy couldn’t muster up the courage to message her. She tried not to take it too personally that Sana hadn’t messaged her either, knowing it must’ve been hard to be away from your family and hometown friends most of the year. But it still left her feeling uncertain about where they stood. Truthfully, disregarding Irene, she had never gotten this far with somebody. She didn’t know what she was doing.

Classes are back in session for about two days when Joy decides she’s waited long enough. Having to go this long without talking to Sana felt like pure torture, but she can’t another day without settling her constant uneasiness about what’s going on between them.

Without messaging her beforehand, she gathers up the gifts she had gotten for Sana and drives to her apartment. When she arrives, someone is leaving the main building and lets her through so all she has to do is go up to Sana’s door and knock.

When the door opens, Sana is standing there, looking just as good as she had before she had left. Joy wants to be excited, to pull her into a long kiss and say welcome back. But Sana is staring at her, beyond confused.

“Joy? What are you doing here?”

Is it wrong for Joy to feel confused in return? Is Sana not happy to see her? There’s a lot going on already in this interaction that doesn’t make her feel good.

“Sana? Who’s at the door?” A voice comes out from behind Sana, most likely the living room area. It takes Joy a second to think, the gears turning in her head. She thinks about the few words she had exchanged with Sana’s roommate right before she had left that one day, and that voice behind her doesn’t belong to Momo.

She doesn’t know what to feel first, humiliation or betrayal. Not that she had a right to feel either of those, really. Joy goes to back away from the door, but Sana’s eyes widen in recognition of what has been going through her head. Her hand shoots out and catches Joy by her sleeve in an attempt to keep her in place.

“It isn’t like that! Please, don’t leave. I didn’t know you’d come over and I’ve been hanging out with a friend.” The way she pleads with Joy surprisingly does calm her, but just a little. “Come inside, please.”

Joy looks between Sana and the space behind her, still feeling anxious. She nods slowly and lets Sana bring her inside. The tv is on, and Sana’s friend is on the couch. She looks familiar, but she swears she’s never met this girl before.

“Joy, this is Rosie. Rosie, this is Joy.” Sana waits a moment after speaking, probably expecting Rosie to get up. But she doesn’t. She instead stares at Joy rather blankly, and Joy has never felt less welcome anywhere in her entire life.

Rosie snorts. “I know who she is. Just like everyone else does.” She dusts herself off before standing up. “I actually have to go, though. I probably should’ve left like ten minutes ago for band practice.”

Joy watches silently as Rosie walks by her without a greeting or a look. She gives Sana a quick hug before grabbing a bag of hers on the table and walking out the door. What exactly just happened? This somehow managed to be only one of the many situations lately that left Joy entirely confused.

Sana sighs, rubbing her temples. “I’m sorry about that. She can be like that sometimes. She’s...protective. But it isn’t what you were thinking earlier. She has a girlfriend.”

Protective? From Joy? Certainly based on her reputation, she’d understand that. But things between her and Sana had been fine so far. Right?

Even if things hadn’t been like she had initially assumed, she was still left feeling stupid. At this point, she wasn’t even sure Sana wanted to see her. But she might as well give Sana her gift, no point in trying to take it back.

“I uh, got you something.” She places the cute decorated gift bag in Sana’s hands. “I know it was your birthday during break.”

When Sana reaches in and pulls out the manga, her eyes light up. She looks excited, but somehow still surprised at the gesture. Joy can’t help but feel a little proud of herself, seeing as she had definitely gotten the correct gift for her.

“I’ve actually been really wanting to read these, so this is perfect. Really. Thank you.” She sets the books and the gift bag on her table before pulling Joy into a tight hug.

Joy finally is able to feel herself really relax. Sana buries her head in Joy’s shoulder and Joy just stands there with her, breathing in the comforting smell of Sana’s favorite perfume. When they finally pull away, Sana is looking at her rather fondly.

“How was Japan?” Joy reaches forward and pushes some of Sana’s hair behind her ear, causing her to smile even wider.

“It was fun. It’s always nice seeing my parents and we always have a lot of fun.” She shrugs and laces their fingers together. “But I was thinking about you, a lot. And I kept thinking about when I’d see you again when I got back.”

Ah, there it was. Joy’s heart rate picks up a little at Sana’s words. So she hadn’t completely forgotten about her when she went back home. She could handle being wrong about that.

“Well, I’m here now.”

Sana laughs. “Mhm, you are.” She tilts her head up and brings Joy in for a sweet kiss. One that says things are okay, and that she’s more than happy to be back. Joy decides that maybe she’s okay to keep ignoring the other things for now if she has Sana like this. But there is one thing she can’t ignore.

Joy breaks their kiss, trying to think of the best possible way to word what she wants to say without saying too much. “So, about the night of the party…”

Sana raises a brow. “Yes?”

She’s feeling really awkward all of a sudden. It isn’t like she’s unable to talk about sex, she’s not a child. But this was delicate. She didn’t want to come on too strong. She also didn’t want what they had, whatever it was, to end. Even if she finished what she had set out for, she wasn’t ready to let it go.

“I just think it was...good. And I want to keep doing that.” There really was not a way she could sound less eloquent than she did right now, but at the very least Sana did look pretty amused.

“Oh, really?” Sana is still listening intently, but her hands have found a way under Joy’s shirt and Joy shivers. 

“Yes, really. So...how about it?”

“Well, I think that speech could’ve used a little work.” Her right hand slides back down, moving to swiftly unbutton Joy’s jeans. “So, I’ll have to think about it.

Joy rolls her eyes, but still manages a smile in spite of it. “Oh, really? Anything I can do to hurry the process along?”

“Hmm…” she moves to start unbuttoning her own shirt, working her way down slowly. “Maybe. Anything come to mind for you?” 

Having had enough of being teased mercilessly, Joy puts her hands on Sana’s hips and pulls her up. Sana only takes a second to wrap her legs around Joy, with her hands gripping Joy’s shoulders to keep her steady.

Knowing they’re on the same page now, she grins with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “I could probably think of a few things.”

Joy marches them to the bedroom and they’re kissing and laughing loudly in between all of it. With one last coherent thought, she kicks the door closed behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh i love rosie i just thought it'd be funny to have her hate joy since they're close irl. also yes she was the friend glaring at joy through her car window when she picked up sana that one time
> 
> yeah the updates are definitely gonna be more frequent bc the plot is picking up which is exciting for me and also being stuck bored at home can occasionally do wonders for your productivity
> 
> song for this chapter is emotional by okaywill


	9. come on right over next to me

“Can I help? Just a little bit?”

“No.”

“Like, just for a minute?”

“Nope.”

Joy watches on with a careful eye as Sana makes her way around the kitchen. After Joy had cooked for them a couple times, Sana had asked her if she could cook for them as a way to show her how much she had appreciated it. Of course, Joy had wanted to help but she had been shooed out of the kitchen each time she wandered back in.

According to Momo, Sana was actually a fantastic cook. It wasn’t that Joy doubted her or anything, because Sana was brilliant at pretty much everything she did. It was that she genuinely did just like helping, and okay maybe partially because she just wanted to hang onto Sana and be cute. Sana would do the same exact thing to her, so it only seemed right.

After enough time has passed and she can see that Sana is basically done, she lazily makes her way back into the kitchen and wraps her arms around Sana from behind.

“Didn’t I tell you not to come into the kitchen?” Although Joy can’t see her face, she knows Sana is smiling and maybe enjoying it just a little bit more than she lets on.

Joy whines and pulls Sana tighter against her. “Babe, I just wanted to help.”

A minute passes and Joy waits for a response but Sana has stiffened in her hold. She turns herself around, Joy’s arms now more loosely wrapped around her.

“Babe?”

Oh, yeah. That. Joy hadn’t really been thinking about it when it came out. It just kind of slipped out. She didn’t hate it though, not unless Sana did. It had been a few weeks since they officially, or not officially, had started their...agreement? Partnership? Whatever it was. And since then, Joy had found herself feeling more comfortable around Sana to the point where stuff like this just felt natural to her.

“Is it too much? Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be weird or anything, I just-”

Sana leans up and silences her with a quick kiss. “No, I like it. I was just surprised.”

Joy’s body sags with relief, letting go of the tension she didn’t even realize was there. She goes to pull Sana in for another kiss, when she feels a pair of hands pushing her away at her stomach.

“This is exactly why I didn’t want you in the kitchen!” She’s glowering at Joy now and definitely trying not to laugh. Joy holds her hands up in surrender and goes to sit at the table.

Sitting down and enjoying meals together isn’t always something they get to do, but when it happens it’s one of Joy’s favorite things. Joy still has to be careful of how much time she’s spending at places other than the house. With how much everyone seemed to know about the fact that she was secretly seeing someone, she couldn’t let herself get caught. Regardless, she still wanted to find time for them to be together.

The apartment Sana and Momo shared was starting to feel like home away from home for her. She didn’t have a key or anything like that, but she was always welcome over. Staying over the whole day wasn’t really an option available to her, but since it was a short drive they made the visits work for them.

When they’re together and not having sex, they always have a lot to talk about. Joy feels comfortable sharing with her, because Sana might be the most trustworthy person in her life. She’ll tell her about her sisters back home, or how frustrated she is with her parents and how they try so hard to get her to be their perfect daughter. The one and only thing they don’t talk about is the sorority. The last thing Joy wants to do when she’s with Sana is have to think about the thing that has made this agreement so dysfunctional.

Once they’re finished eating and catching up, clean up usually goes pretty quickly. Joy does her best to keep her cool, because Sana has started looking at her in a way she’s all too familiar with. Momo, like she usually is, is away at her girlfriend’s place for the night so that part isn’t a concern. The part that concerns her is how badly she’s wanted to spend the night lately.

Without much discussion beforehand, Joy lays across the couch and Sana lays on top of her with her head tucked comfortably under Joy’s. This had quickly become their favorite way of cuddling, with Joy softly rubbing Sana’s back while Sana half paid attention to whatever was happening on the tv. Sometimes it wouldn’t lead to anything. Sometimes it really would be them cuddling without an expectation of more. Tonight was not one of those nights.

Joy’s eyes snap shut when she feels Sana tilt her head to start placing open mouthed kisses on her neck. She pushes Joy’s top up and the moment she readjusts herself so she can start kissing down Joy’s abdomen, Joy knows she has to put a stop to this.

“Sana,” she watches a bit helplessly as Sana smirks between each slow and methodical kiss. “I should go home now.”

Sana looks up at her briefly before resuming. “And why is that?”

“Because it’s getting late and I should go to bed soon since I have an early day tomorrow.” Joy’s hands grip against the couch, knowing that if she followed her natural reaction to thread her hands into Sana’s hair it would only encourage the girl further. Not that she needed it.

Sana does pause again after hearing that, giving what Joy has to say her complete attention. “You could just spend the night, you know. I have clothes for you to sleep in, and an extra toothbrush.

Even with all the logic in Sana’s favor, especially considering the fact that Joy  _ wanted _ to stay over, she knew she still had to say no. But it was never easy saying no to Sana.

Seeing that she wasn’t likely to change her mind, Sana stops completely and maneuvers herself off the couch. She’s pouting, but it isn’t as playful as it usually is. Joy knows she hurt Sana’s feelings a little bit, because she had started managing their time together more carefully than she ever had in the past.

Joy stands up off the couch but pulls Sana into her arms. Sana looks away and Joy doesn’t want to push her too much when she’s upset so she opts to lay a kiss against the side of her head.

“I’ll be back again soon, okay? And I’ll text you. We can text as much as you want. Maybe we can even, you know, try something we haven’t before over text…”

The insinuation of the last part is enough to make Sana’s head turn and get her full attention, but she still doesn’t look entirely convinced. Joy sighs and rubs Sana’s arm in another attempt to soothe her.

“I’m sorry.” She knows it isn’t enough, but it’s all she can do for right now. It isn’t like they can really talk about it, this fragile thing they have. 

Sana doesn’t ask anything more of her, but lets Joy give her a quick kiss before she leaves. When Joy arrives back at the house she avoids the questioning eyes of the people in the living room and heads directly to her room to get a short night of sleep, which she can’t help but think would’ve been better if she had stayed.

\---

It was something that surprisingly, Joy brought up on her own. But seeing as how often she was there now, she figured it would be for the best if she went out of her way to create at least some kind of friendship with Momo. They didn’t have to be best friends or anything, but she didn’t want Momo to feel like a third wheel in her own apartment. And getting Sana’s friends to like her was the smart thing to do, right?

So it was planned almost entirely by Sana, with a bit of input from Joy. They’d have a movie night on one of the days Momo usually didn’t go see her girlfriend. 

Momo still hasn’t arrived yet, so Sana is getting ready. She had stressed the importance of snacks to Joy earlier, which was something Joy couldn’t argue with so they picked up everything from the store that all three of them could enjoy together. 

Joy on the other hand, had stressed the importance of picking the right movie. It couldn’t be just any movie, it had to be something not too extreme in any category. After much deliberation and research, she decided on a very old school horror movie. Something that wouldn’t actually scare them, considering both she and Sana were a bit jumpy, but instead give them all something to laugh over.

Sana tries to convince her not to be nervous, because there’s no way Momo could really hate her. They’re friendly and don’t dislike each other, certainly. But who knows what Sana’s friends think of her. She can’t say she really feels too comfortable after the weird encounter that was Rosie.

When Momo does arrive, Sana greets her with a huge and Momo gives a simple nod to Joy. That’s fine. It’ll be fine. Joy has this. She hasn’t met a person yet she can’t charm, with example number one sitting on the couch next to her.

They’re cautious not to become those kinds of people with Momo right there. The ones who make people uncomfortable with their levels of affection when other people are around. Their default is cuddled closely, with Sana wrapped around Joy in some fashion. Their compromise is Sana leaned up against Joy’s side, with Joy’s arm thrown over Sana’s shoulders.

For the first half hour or so throughout the movie, it’s awkwardly quiet. Small talk dies as quickly as it starts, and Joy feels like she can’t find an opening to start any kind of real discussion.

At the fifty minute mark, is when Sana excuses herself to go use the restroom. Before she leaves the room, she taps Joy on the knee and glances over at Momo, who thankfully isn’t paying any attention to them. Right. Now is the time.

“So...what do you major in?” Easy enough. It was something non threatening, something that was neutral territory that couldn’t lead to anything weird.

Momo looks at her, giving Joy her full attention after popping a piece of popcorn in her mouth. “Sports nutrition. You?”

“Business management, boring really. Are you into sports?”

She shrugs and looks back at the television. “Not really. I just like the science side of it.”

Joy purses her lips. This was actually a lot harder than she would’ve thought. Momo wasn’t necessarily difficult to talk to, but maybe they weren’t the types of people who would’ve met at a party and instantly became friends. She’d have to work a little harder.

“Do you have any hobbies?”

Momo looks back at her once again, seemingly a little confused by Joy’s attempts at talking to her. “Yeah. I’m a dancer, actually.”

And there it was, her opening. “Oh, really? One of my friends is a dancer too. Her family owns this really cool studio downtown.”

Now this seems to actually interest Momo, with her entire body language changing in a matter of moments. “Which one?”

“Kang Dance Studio, do you know it?” Well, of course she knew it. Everyone did. But she didn’t want to come off in a weirdly condescending manner.

“Are you serious? The one that’s like, super exclusive? Of course I know it!”

Joy shrugs. “If you want, I could get you in. My friend is really cool, she’d just have to talk to her dad. It’s totally not a big deal.”

Momo nods excitedly before moving off the lone chair she hadn’t been sitting in to the couch, although still on the far end from Joy. “That’s like, huge. If you could I’d be kind of in your debt forever.”

She laughs and shrugs again. “It’s not that big a deal. Consider it a thank you for letting me stay at your place all the time.”

As soon as Sana gets back, the look on her face reads as pleasantly surprised when she notices Joy and Momo chatting like two friends, or at least semi friends. She moves back into her spot in the middle and up against Joy’s side before pulling Joy’s arm over herself. Sana gives her arm an acknowledging squeeze and Joy smiles to herself, feeling like she's finally really done something right with her.

\---

It’s been at least an hour of reading through these books for her class, and somehow she’s still nowhere near complete. Originally, Joy had recruited Yeri to study with her and help her concentrate but she quickly remembered that when Yeri was bored she was the furthest thing from helpful.

Yeri groans and slams her own book shut. “I can’t do this anymore. Can you go grab some snacks or something? Maybe that’ll help. I cannot concentrate to save my own life right now.”

Joy rolls her eyes and slides off her bed, dropping her phone down on the spot where she was sitting. All she had wanted to do was get her work done but nothing seemed to be helping. Yeri was a great student but had to study alone to be able to concentrate. Sana was...well, she was a great student but immensely distracting for so many reasons.

It was already fairly hard to deal with the fact that she had suggested trying something and Sana didn’t seem receptive to it and hadn’t tried it out with her. Things were fine really, but Joy wasn’t sure if she had maybe suggested something Sana wasn’t entirely comfortable with.

She’s humming softly to herself and rummaging through the cupboards when she hears a shriek from her bedroom. Hoping Yeri hadn’t accidentally injured herself somehow, she slams the cupboards shut and runs back up to her room. When she gets there, Yeri isn’t injured. Yeri is instead looking at Joy’s phone, wide eyed and extremely alarmed.

The concern she had only a moment ago switches to anger. “What were you doing on my phone?”

“Nothing! You know I don’t look through your stuff. I was playing your gacha game you’ve been playing so much because it looked fun. And then,” Yeri motions to the phone. “A...picture came up.”

She doesn’t need details because she already has an idea of what kind of picture. She stays silent, not meeting Yeri’s eyes.

Yeri rubs her face, exhaling slowly. “It was just a topless bra picture before you ask, nothing therapist worthy. How long have you been seeing Sana?”

Of course this would happen. Sana was suddenly receptive to sexting and Yeri just happened to be on her phone. This kind of thing would really only happen to Joy, who probably had the universe’s worst timing and worst possible luck.

“I mean, if you wanna get technical…” Joy pauses, thinking back to their first kiss. “The end of October. But we only started hooking up at the end of December.”

“You’ve been lying to me for that long?” Yeri hisses out, standing up. “When I told you not to go after my friend? Are you guys even dating? What are you doing?”

Joy wraps her arms around herself, knowing she’s not in the right in any sense. Getting angry in return would only make things worse for everyone. “We’re hooking up.”

Yeri starts pacing around the room like a woman possessed. “You’re hooking up. Not dating. You’re pretending to be celibate and single but hooking up with a friend of mine who I know doesn’t do that kind of thing.”

“Maybe you don’t know her as well as you think you do,” Joy scoffs. Getting angry wasn’t productive but she also wasn’t about to let Yeri attack her without a little defense. “We’re two adults and we’re having consensual fun. She knows what she’s doing.”

The silence that follows Joy’s words is tense. Yeri stops pacing and sits back on the bed while glancing at the spot next to her as if waiting for Joy to sit back down with her. Joy eyes her warily and carefully sits back down.

“I can’t force you not to do something, especially if she’s apparently willing to go along with it. And quite frankly it was stupid for me to try to forbid you when I should’ve known that would make you want it more. But I  _ am  _ mad as hell you lied to me, for months. I don’t care that you lied to everyone else, because they only cause problems. But I’m your best friend, Joy.”

Joy runs her hand through her own hair. “I know, and I am sorry for that. The lying that is. Because I’m not sorry for starting things with Sana. If I had the chance, I’d do it again.”

Yeri looks at her suddenly and her face reads as if a realization has dawned on her. Joy’s heart races uncomfortably, wondering if she’s said too much.

“Well...it makes sense,” Yeri rolls her eyes. “You’ve actually probably been way too obvious and I’ve been ignoring signs. You don’t approach people at parties anymore, at all. You’ve shot down so many people who used to be exactly your type. You’re always on your phone. I can’t remember a time you were ever like this.”

Joy waits for Yeri to correct herself, to include the fact that she wasn’t like this excluding the time she was with Irene who was her actual girlfriend. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t want to worry about the fact that in serious conversations, Yeri always says exactly what she means. But she does.

“Just...don’t hurt her Joy. She’s a good person, and now you know that personally.” It’s said with some finality, some acceptance. Yeri has most likely realized everything else is out of her hands now, because she tried to stop it before it even started.

All Yeri has been on about since the first time they talked is that Sana is a good person who doesn’t deserve to be hurt by Joy who could be the type of person to string her along if she wanted to. Joy wonders if Yeri realizes that Sana has the power to hurt Joy just as much.

\---

Sana is quietly fiddling with Joy’s car radio, turning from station to station. Joy had asked Sana if she could take her out to a restaurant she had wanted to go to for ages and Sana had quickly agreed. 

It wasn’t anything outrageously expensive or too fancy, but it was still something nice for them to share. Something to take her mind off the fact that she still hadn’t told Sana that Yeri knew about them. Except, it wasn’t working. Joy knew she had to tell her, and really if she thought about it this wasn’t that big of a deal. But she didn’t want to freak Sana out and scare her off.

“Is everything okay with us?”

Joy glances over, startled at Sana’s quiet voice and the question itself, not quite sure where it was coming from. “What do you mean?”

Sana takes her hand away from the radio switches and anxiously rubs her own arm. “Well, you never replied to my text, or you know...the picture I sent you. I thought you didn’t like it.”

Oh.  _ Oh. _ Joy hadn’t really considered how Sana would feel if she hadn’t replied, and she’d mostly been focusing on her own stress from the situation. But she never thought Sana would think she didn’t like it, because that couldn’t be further from the truth.

“That wasn’t it at all, believe me.” Joy clears her throat. “I really liked it. A lot. But something kinda came up and I got distracted.”

When she looks over, Sana is still visibly awkward. Joy feels guilty, not only for not replying but letting Sana’s worries get to this point. She decides it’s finally now that she has to set things straight.

“I didn’t reply because Yeri saw, and then I had to tell her about us. I’m sorry I didn’t reply when I was the one who suggested it. But I was trying to figure out how to tell you and she was mad at me, so…”

It’s then that Sana untenses, looking like Joy had felt when she realized she’d have one less person to hide from. “Is she still mad?”

“No, just annoyed I lied to her. But she’s someone we can trust, she’s my best friend so she doesn’t really care about stuff like this.”

Sana reaches over, putting her hand on top of Joy’s free one. “I think it could be a good thing, her knowing about everything. She’s your best friend and you shouldn’t have to hide from everyone in your life.”

She’s surprised at the way Sana’s casual words make her stomach flip, as if Sana has no idea how much weight they hold.

When they get to the restaurant, they’re seated at a dimly lit corner in the back. Joy isn’t one for the business of the front of the restaurant, especially when it could distract her from a night with Sana like this.

“So what’s the occasion?” Sana says it in a way that seems to be attempting to be nonchalant, but Joy knows the difference in the way she questions things now.

Joy doesn’t look up from her menu, wondering why exactly Sana is just so full of questions tonight. “There’s no occasion. I just wanted to take you out.”

“I didn’t realize you were such a romantic,” she hums softly, flipping to the other side of the menu. 

Joy laughs, reaching across the table to take Sana’s hand in her own. “I can be whatever you want me to be.”

As expected, Sana rolls her eyes and sports a blush that’s impossible to disguise. Joy loves the effect she has on Sana, knowing they had come such a long way from where they first were. Sana does more than her fair share of teasing with Joy, but it always feels like an accomplishment now when Joy gets the upper hand. 

What they’re doing feels a lot like a date, but Joy doesn’t know if that’s what it is. Because if she admits it’s a real date then she has to admit that they’re dating. And she isn’t sure if that’s a step she’s ready to take.

It doesn’t take very long at all for Joy to press Sana up against the door the second the door is closed behind them back at the apartment. They’re kissing insistently and Joy is more than happy to do whatever right then and there, but Sana drags them off to the bedroom before things can take a more serious turn.

Afterwards, Joy is stroking Sana’s hair with Sana’s head on her chest, both of them spent and satisfied. But there’s the unspoken thing hanging above both of them right now that they can’t exactly ignore in this position, which is Joy leaving to go back to her own place.

They’re on the same page, really. Mostly. Sana doesn’t want Joy to go, and she doesn’t want to go either. Her common sense tells her she shouldn’t stay though, because of…well, everything. Would it really be a wise idea to keep trying for things that could put them at risk at a time everything is already so delicate?

Joy’s hand stills when Sana looks up at her. “When do you have to go back?”

Ah, so she had been thinking about it too. But Joy couldn’t blame her. Not when it was something that it was something they had clearly been dying to find common ground on.

She hesitates in answering though. Her instinct to hide them clashing with her desire just to be with Sana, to share these little moments with her. She was starting to doubt it mattered, the girls might not notice anyway if it’s one night, or a few nights, somewhere else. Not when most of them did that too. Maybe some things were just worth the risk.

Her hand moves again, going back to stroking Sana’s hair. “Can I stay?” She doesn’t mean for it to come out so meager, unsure.

Sana blinks, surprised Joy even asked at all considering her instant reaction in the past had been that of rejection, but there’s no complaints from her. “Of course you can. Do you want to sleep on the couch again?”

This girl was too sweet, too soft. It always took Joy by surprise.

“I was actually thinking that currently, I’m in a very comfortable position right now. Is that okay?”

Sana smiles, moving her head back to lay down fully and throwing an arm over Joy. “Very okay. You’re my source of heat for the night, anyway. A very attractive source of heat.”

Joy is thankful for Sana facing away from her now, so there’s no way Sana can see the blush on her face. She mutters something about how ridiculous she is, getting a tired giggle out of Sana. 

When she finally feels Sana start nod off, her movements stop and she moves her arm so it’s protectively over Sana’s shoulders. The darkness of Sana’s room with Sana curled softly against her is very different from the usual spaciousness of her bed. She thinks it might be the most comfortable she’s been in a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a mostly nice little chapter.......something sweet for the kids honestly. and know yeri knows! who knows how this will come back in the future.....well i do but
> 
> song for this chapter is i don't mind by the wldlfe


	10. don't think i can do this forever, darling

After the first night spent overnight at Sana’s apartment, it opened the door for Joy to feel more comfortable doing it. It certainly wasn’t every night, with both of their schedules still restricting their time spent together. But Joy found time. She always somehow found the time for them.

Joy sighs sleepily as she feels Sana begin to stir in her arms. Sana carefully stretches her arms, making sure not to accidentally hit Joy in the face.

“Good morning,” Sana turns herself around and pecks Joy on the cheek. Joy refuses to open her eyes, but she can’t help the small smile that appears on her face.

“I don’t know what time it is, but it’s definitely too early for you to be waking me up.” Her hands slide up the back of Sana’s shirt, content to just rest them on the soft skin of Sana’s back.

“It’s 9am, which isn’t that early at all,” she goes in for a quick kiss on the lips this time. “Maybe you’re just getting lazy?”

A grin spreads across Joy’s face. She knows exactly what Sana is doing. Her brand of playful teasing when she wants Joy to pay attention to her. And she’d get exactly what she wanted.

In one swift motion, Joy is straddling Sana with Sana breathlessly looking up at her. It’s all too tempting to completely give in and spend a few extra hours with Sana rolling around in her bed, but she knows she shouldn’t. She wants to, but absolutely shouldn’t.

“You think you’re funny, huh?” She leans all the way down for a longer kiss which Sana eagerly returns. Joy breaks the kiss which elicits a whine from Sana. “I need to go home, so I can shower and be productive today.”

Sana whines once more when she tries to lean up for a kiss and Joy playfully pins her down. “You don’t _have_ to go home now. And my shower works just fine, so…”

Joy laughs and keeps Sana pinned while giving her another kiss. “You’re just saying that so you can get in the shower with me. Which is absolutely not happening, because you’re a distraction.”

Sana raises a brow. “Are you saying you don’t like it?” Before Joy can even get a reply in, Sana frees her hands and starts to pull her back in. Joy thinks she may have overestimated how much willpower she would have this morning. The way Sana’s hands move nimbly, she knows she’s done for.

About an hour or so later, they both manage to leave the bedroom with slightly messy hair and flushed faces. The first thing that greets them on the other side is an absolutely horrified looking Momo, looking like she was attempting to quickly shed her coat and her shoes.

“I just got home a few minutes ago...next time, I think I’ll just call before coming back.”

In a lifetime full of very embarrassing things, this maybe cracks the top three, Joy thinks. She and Sana both open their mouths to apologize, but Momo waves her hands around quickly to stop them. They both watch as Momo grabs her bag and heads straight into her room without another word.

Joy rubs her face in embarrassment. “I’m actually going to go shower now. I think we’ve traumatized your roommate enough.” Sana nods, looking anywhere but Joy. 

Seeing Sana seem almost distressed triggers Joy’s desire to comfort her. She links their hands together, grabbing Sana’s attention.

“She doesn’t seem too mad, right? We’ll just have to be careful next time.” She leans in for a last lingering kiss before making her way alone to the shower.

\---

In a way, things had been easier for Joy since Yeri had accidentally found out about her and Sana. A lot of her stress had come from the fact that she had been hiding something from her best friend. But now that she no longer had to hide and Yeri didn’t actually care about who she was dating. The problem was that the bulk of her stress didn’t come from Yeri finding out, it came from everyone else finding out.

There had come a point where she started to wonder if it would really matter if she told the rest of the sorority, if they’d really react as badly as she thought they would. It couldn’t possibly be that important, right? 

Well, wrong. Because she was reminded every single day of how much of the sorority came down to politics and appearances, and Sana wasn’t something that fit with what she was supposed to be. Sana wasn’t in a sorority, and if she wasn’t the very visible face of the sorority, maybe she could get away with it. Or maybe if she wasn’t in the sorority at all.

But it didn’t matter. Because she could keep the two things separate. Which is what she wanted to do. It wasn’t their business, and they wouldn’t find out. So she was going to stop worrying about it. Almost three months into their arrangement and things were going just fine as well as things in the sorority going well too, and that’s all there was to it.

Every day they got closer to graduation, and things with the sorority seemed to be picking up. More charity events, more parties, and more dinners with people she didn’t care about.

“Do I really have to go in? You _know_ how much I hate animals. I think one will probably bite me. Could you live with that? The blood will be on your hands.”

Joy rolls her eyes at Yeri’s over the top dramatics. Yeri had been one of the few along with Irene who had been very vocally opposed to their most recent decision to help out a local pet shelter, but had been quickly outvoted.

“Do you know how bad it would look for you not to go inside at all? You and Irene can stay behind the rest of us and just stand there and look pretty for the photos.”

Yeri huffs as Joy grabs her arm and pulls her inside the building with the rest of the girls following behind them.

Joy wasn’t particularly in the mood for any of this today even though it was something she’d normally enjoy doing even in her free time. All she had to do was talk to some people, do some work, and get a few pictures taken. Simple enough.

Irene and Yeri are both cowering behind her as she’s making polite and to the point conversation with one of the workers. Nayeon, Tzuyu, and Mina have already made their way to where they take the dogs for walks.

She’s finally finished with her necessary talk when she hears someone mumbling something and feels a tug on her sleeve from Yeri. A slow turn of her head reveals the absolute last thing she wanted to see today. Sana, looking just as shocked as Joy is but with a hand around Jeongyeon’s arm. Jeongyeon seems just as shocked, again seeming to find herself in a situation she didn’t ask to be in.

Joy’s mouth falls open, wanting to say a lot of things. A greeting, to ask Sana what she was doing here, or maybe even why she was here with Jeongyeon. But she doesn’t. Instead she clamps her mouth shut and pivots in the other direction, heading towards where the other girls already were.

There’s no doubt in her mind that she has absolutely no right to feel the way she does. But she can’t ignore the jealousy that pricks against her skin. Sana had already made it clear to her at the party that she wasn’t anything more than friends with Jeongyeon at this point. But it wasn’t like her and Sana were really dating. So what if she changed her mind? Maybe she wanted someone who wasn’t afraid to step into a real relationship, someone who could hold her hand in public without fear of judgement from her so-called friends.

She doesn’t realize that her change in mood is visible until she notices the glances and murmurs from the other girls. Yeri gives her a look that says she wants to help, but knows she can’t draw attention to anything right now. Irene just eyes her warily, but with some concern too.

“Are you okay?” Joy knows that it actually is coming from a place of good intentions. Irene is a good person. She’s caring. But with their most recent conversation and her ongoing arrangement with Sana, it wasn’t something she cared to make Irene aware of. Things still weren’t exactly smooth between them, and she didn’t even know how’d she react.

Joy looks back over her shoulder, Sana and Jeongyeon now doing what they presumably came to do in the first place and also helping out with the animals. Sana isn’t quick enough to hide the way she was looking at Joy just before Joy had looked over though.

“I’m fine, don’t worry about it. Let’s just get this done, okay?”

Both Yeri and Irene are looking at her now, more used to the Joy who was more than happy to volunteer with the animals whenever the sorority set up an event like this. Even kind of having an idea of what was going through her head, it was jarring for Yeri to see Joy’s mood shift.

Irene looks like she wants to say more, to push the topic. But she doesn’t.

They put in a few hours of actually helpful work before calling it a day. It goes by faster than Joy thought it would have, but slower than she wanted it to.

Joy leans against her car, watching as the rest of the girls get into their own cars or with whoever drove them there. She had to wait for Yeri and Irene before she could leave and finally be able to just go home. Yeri always tagged along in her car, and Irene was an exception since Jennie was out sick from any official sorority business today and she was Irene’s usual ride.

She watches as Yeri speeds by to the other end of the parking lot with Nayeon in tow. “Hey! I’m catching a ride home with Nayeon, so I’ll see you back at the house.” She doesn’t really get a chance to argue or question it before Yeri and Nayeon have piled into the older girl’s car.

The last three to exit are Sana, Jeongyeon, and Irene in that order. Sana stops suddenly upon seeing Joy there by her car, causing Jeongyeon and Irene to crash into her. She looks at Joy for a second, indecision written across her face. Jeongyeon looks between the two before shaking her head and pulling Sana along with her towards the car.

Irene patiently waits for the other two to be completely out of her way before she makes her way towards Joy and her car. She says nothing about the silent exchange she had witnessed between Joy and Sana, instead getting into the passenger seat and passively staring out the window. Joy can’t help but think Irene knows more than she wants her to now.

\---

If there was one thing Joy was actually pretty good at, it was throwing a party. Her interest in actually going to parties had decreased over time, but she was still an excellent planner with equally excellent connections and social skills.

It had been a decent amount of time, at least in sorority time, since they had thrown a proper party. 

Her and Sana hadn’t really spoken after the very tense run in at the pet shelter. She didn’t know what to say, truthfully. Did she bring up the fact that she was starting to get insecure with the state of their relationship and by Sana spending a lot of time with her ex? No. Because how could she? The state of their relationship was her doing, and something she decided.

Yeri had tried to talk to her, but Joy had brushed her off. She wasn’t in the mood for either a pep talk or a scolding, which is what she expected from Yeri in this situation. All she wanted to do was plan the party, get drunk, and not worry. She wasn’t going to feel guilty for that when she rarely got drunk these days.

She had grabbed Nayeon and Lisa to be her drinking buddies for the night. Both of them had their fair share of nights when they had gone a little overboard, but for the most part they knew how to stay reasonably drunk without becoming obnoxious which was actually just what Joy needed.

They start with shots of some random dark alcohol the others had picked up, which Nayeon said would go down smoothly and it’d be the easiest drink they’ve ever had. That quickly showed itself as a total lie, but Joy wasn’t going to complain. 

She’s about three in when Yeri comes up to her in the kitchen and drags her away, despite the protests from Nayeon and Lisa. When they’ve found a suitable spot to talk, Joy yanks her arm from Yeri’s grip.

“What the hell is the matter with you?”

Yeri ignores her irritated tone, moving onto what she grabbed her for. “You know Sana is here, right?”

Joy suddenly feels a lot more sober than she had even a few seconds ago. “What?”

“Okay, so you didn’t know. But now you do. I invited her, not realizing you guys weren’t talking. Because you obviously aren’t based on the fact that you didn’t know she was even here. You should probably go talk to her.”

She wanted to be mad at Yeri, even though she’d be objectively wrong for it. Yeri was doing something a normal person would, inviting a friend to a party. But realizing she’d be in the wrong for being upset didn’t do anything to stop her rising frustration.

Yeri leaves her on her own, seeming to realize that trying to talk sense into Joy when she’s drinking won’t do her much good. She said what she had to say, and the rest was up to Joy.

Joy has a quick decision to make, go look for Sana or go back to drinking with Nayeon and Lisa. Moments later, she has her choice. It was stupid to try to make it a decision anyway, when she knew that she would always choose to go after Sana.

She takes in a deep breath and steadies herself, not wanting to appear too drunk for when she inevitably bumps into Sana. She makes a quick check of the backyard, the living room, even the porch. Sana isn’t anywhere. She could’ve easily decided that coming was a mistake and gone home, which seemed more likely to Joy than any other option.

Her phone alerts her that it’s dying, which means she’ll need to grab her charger from her room before resuming her drinking activities. When she manages to get up to her room and pull her door open, she nearly falls back from the shock of a small figure sitting on her bed.

Sana’s head snaps up and she folds her hands together. She seems nervous, that much Joy is able to read. “Hey, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Joy pushes the door back and shakes her head before walking towards Sana. “It’s okay, I just thought you had left already. Yeri told me you were here.”

The air is thick with everything unspoken between them and Joy’s stomach is in knots. She doesn’t know what she can say right now, what she’s reasonably allowed to say. When Sana stands up, she takes the last few steps to close the space between them.

There’s so many ways she could ruin them. One misstep and this balancing act they have is finished. All she knows right now is that she doesn’t want to lose Sana, and there’s only so many ways she can communicate that. So she does in the best way she knows how.

Her hands move to cup Sana’s face, and Sana looks up at her in a way that makes her ache. Joy kisses her, slow and cautious. She knows her breath must taste like alcohol, but Sana reciprocates anyway.

When Sana tears away from her, it takes her a second to register it. That, and Sana making a quick move away from her. Joy stares at her in confusion before turning around and seeing Irene standing there, staring them down.

“So, this is the mystery person you’ve been seeing.” The way Irene says it isn’t kind in the least, and the very subtle slur to her words means she’s been drinking.

Joy stands up straight as she can, making herself seem taller than she is. She isn’t about to fight with her ex right here, but she won’t let Irene berate her either if it comes down to it. Irene wasn’t someone who shied away from telling you how she felt in private, especially if she was hurt. Or drinking.

“It’s funny, she really isn’t what I expected at all. She isn’t anything like your usual playthings. But I’m sure you’ll get bored of her. Like you usually do. With everyone else, and with me.”

Ouch. That was an oversimplification if she had ever heard one. If Sana hadn’t already realized that Irene was her ex, she certainly did now.

Joy’s eyes narrow and she shakes her head in warning. There are certain lines that even drunk Irene won’t want to cross, things she won’t be able to take back. Irene sees Joy’s defensive stance and the way she has no intention of letting this continue. She simply shakes her head one last time before turning around and leaving while shutting the door behind her.

Once the door is closed, Joy immediately turns towards Sana who is looking at the ground.

“I’m sorry about her, she’s not usually...like that.” It feels like all the alcohol has left her system at this point, completely sobered up by what had just happened.

Sana nods slowly, but still doesn’t look at her. She feels distant, and Joy needs to fix whatever she can right now.

“What she said isn’t true. I didn’t get bored with her, we just broke up. We dated for...a while, and it wasn’t working. That’s all.”

Finally, Sana looks up at her. Something about her still feels distant, but she appears to believe Joy. 

“I should probably leave now. But I’ll call you tomorrow.” Without allowing Joy a second to think of anything to say in reply or to save face further, Sana leaves too. 

Irene now completely knows about her relationship with Sana, and she can do whatever she wants with that information whether Joy likes it or not. For what seems like the millionth time in a week, Joy is left wishing the earth would open up and just swallow her whole.

\---

True to her word, Sana did end up calling her the very next day. Joy was so happy that Sana wasn’t about to run in the other direction that she decided she could pretend that she didn’t have a head splitting hangover to deal with.

Sana invites her over to watch a movie, one of their usual hangouts. Joy feels suspicious, like the rug is about to be pulled from under her. It seems too good to be true, considering what Sana had to witness the night before.

Sana doesn’t shy away from cuddling with her on the couch, Joy’s arm around her shoulder while she leans into her side. But something is different. Joy doesn’t know what it is, and all it does is make her nervous for whatever conversation they’ll eventually have.

Figuring all she can do at this point is move forward, she does her best to maintain what little normalcy they have together. They cuddle, have small talk. All the things that normal people do. And it works. It’s completely fine. Sana doesn’t bring up anything about what happened with Irene, and Joy thinks maybe she’s just moved on. That works for her.

The movie ends, and in an unspoken agreement they move to the bedroom. Sana lets Joy push her down onto the bed, and she quickly pulls Sana’s shirt off. Sana inches herself backwards to get further onto the bed and Joy straddles her.

Joy isn’t always one for soft moments in the middle of the action. Afterwards, sure. It takes someone kind of cold not to be vulnerable in a moment like that when all defenses are down. But right now with Sana half naked and wanting just beneath her, she can’t help but feel a little in awe of the girl.

“You’re so gorgeous,” she murmurs while running the tips of her fingers just under the border of Sana’s bra. Sana turns a bright red and looks away from Joy.

“I bet you say that to all your other hookups too,” the way she says it, Joy knows it’s meant to come off as a joke. Something light and humorous. Normally it wouldn’t even be an issue, considering jokes like this have been passed between them before. But there’s something heavier behind it, something more than there usually is. Joy wants to be hurt by the implication that she’s seeing other people right now too, but she knows Sana is probably hurting more.

Without warning, Joy moves off her and sits on the edge of the bed. Sana looks at her curiously, before grabbing her shirt and sitting next to her.

“I’m not...I’m not doing this with anyone else. You know that, right?”

There’s no reply, but Sana has crossed her arms over herself defensively. Joy doesn’t blame her. Joy moves her hand closer to Sana, but not quite touching her.

“When Irene said I got bored of people, she was...kind of right. I used to do that, even if it wasn’t the case with her. You said you knew my reputation with girls, and some of it was true.” Her head and stomach both hurt with how anxious this conversation is making her feel. She can’t afford to screw this up now. “But I’m not that person anymore, and I haven’t seen anyone since…you.”

She can feel Sana’s eyes on her now, but she’s unable to tell what Sana is looking for from her. There’s more she can say, if she has to. If Sana needed more, then she would.

“Do you _want_ to see other people? Besides just me?” Sana sounds so small, so unsure. Joy wishes she hadn’t put them in this position at all.

Joy fully turns towards Sana now and looks her straight in the eyes, mustering up every ounce of courage she has. “No, I don’t. I don’t want to see anyone else. It’s only you.”

It feels like an eternity that they’re sitting there, just looking at each other. Joy’s heart hits painfully hard against the inside of her chest. They were never even supposed to get this far. If you had asked Joy from the beginning of the school year about this, she would’ve laughed. Sana was meant to be a one time thing, someone just like Irene had described. She never expected it would be so much more.

Not knowing what else to do or how else to communicate what she needs to say, Joy surges forward and kisses Sana. It catches Sana by surprise, but she’s quick to return it. It’s needy, intense, and it conveys everything Joy is feeling. 

Most of their encounters are slow and passionate. They like to take their time exploring each other and figuring out what makes the other tick. But this is different. Sana claws at Joy’s shirt in an attempt to get it off, with Joy moving just to take it off herself. Sana also makes quick work of Joy’s skirt, taking control and moving things to her speed.

Afterwards, they lay silently together. Both of them lost in their own thoughts. Like they always do, things have changed between them once more. But not in the way Joy thought they would have, because she doesn’t think her honesty had broken them like she had originally thought it might have. She just hopes that whatever this has evolved into, is something she can keep hold of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm.......
> 
> song for this chapter is empty kisses by laurel


	11. when you fell, you fell towards me

It was meant to be a night like any other they shared. There was nothing special about it, really. Momo had requested the living room for the night, and they had gladly given it to her considering how often she let them use it when she was there. They had gone with their second option of just hanging out in Sana’s room.

Sana had found a movie to put on her laptop at the end of the bed. They cuddled up to each other, with Sana’s head on her chest, hardly paying attention to the movie at all.

It was relaxing, being alone with Sana. She didn’t have to think about anything else when they were together, which was something she needed with everything else going on outside of their shared bubble currently. The world outside was easy to ignore if she had Sana.

“You know, I really expected you to be at the party tonight.” Sana mentions casually.

Joy blinks, and her brow furrows. “Party? What party?”

“The one your sorority is throwing? Some of my friends were talking about it, so I was surprised you didn’t end up going.”

The seconds pass by, and the gears are turning in Joy’s head. Oh. The party. The party she very much had forgotten about, but wasn’t at right now. The party that people were definitely going to notice she wasn’t at. 

Skipping the party even on accident could easily be a fatal mistake on her part, with what Irene knew now. But part of her, the part that had been friends with the girl for years, believed that she wouldn’t do anything to sabotage her like that. She wanted to believe the best in her, and hoped that she wouldn’t just up and announce it when she wasn’t even there to save herself.

Sana looks up at her, but doesn’t seem to notice the sudden turmoil that plagues her. “I’m glad you’re here though.”

As soon as Sana says it, she realizes she doesn’t care. Doesn’t care about the party, or anything involving it. She had been so looking forward to seeing Sana all week that she had forgotten the most important sorority event that was happening that week.

Never before had she been so careless. She had spent so long building her reputation, becoming the most responsible person she could possibly be. But here she was in the bedroom of this girl she wasn’t even supposed to be with and it’s all she wanted to do.

Things are starting to feel fuzzy again. Different. She’s desperately trying to understand why she cares more about this than anything else now, why things within her have changed so much. None of it makes sense to her, and she wishes she knew why.

Although Sana seems to be half asleep at this point, Joy gently taps the top of her head to grab her attention. Sana looks up, and Joy takes her chin to lead her into a soft kiss. Sana sighs happily into it and Joy can’t remember a time something ever felt this right.

Sana is the one to break away, eyeing her with genuine concern and seemingly finally able to pick up that there was too much going on in Joy’s head. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just…,” she’s at a loss for words now with not understanding how to articulate what exactly she’s feeling. Because what is it exactly? To care about someone this much, to want to spend your days with them, to think that your life would be lesser without them in it...

The realization hits her like a freight train, of what exactly it is. Her mouth goes dry before she can answer and her stomach tightens uncomfortably. In place of an answer, she nods quickly which doesn’t seem to entirely satisfy Sana but she takes it and turns back to the movie.

She doesn’t say much from then on, opting to stay and sleep beside Sana instead of going back and having to answer questions about where she had been. She’s sure Yeri made an excuse for her, but they’d still be suspicious. 

Sana falls asleep easily on her own side of the bed, giving Joy her space. Knowing she won’t get a single minute of sleep, Joy lays down in the darkness and stares straight up at the ceiling. This time, there’s no getting out of this one.

\---

Joy is avoiding Sana. Well, not really avoiding her. But she’s not actively making any plans with her. Sana texts her and Joy obviously texts her back, but she keeps it short and sweet. Never mean, never cold. But to the point.

She hates to think what she’s been reduced to, how she’s so far from the person she thought she was going to be this year. It wasn’t meant to turn into this. It was supposed to be fun and casual and something they’d both enjoy. But now she’s on the verge of ruining it by feeling something that nobody warned her about, something that she didn’t think she could feel.

Joy concludes the best way to deal with it is to not worry about it, because she’s got plenty of other things to worry about right now. School and her sorority. Those two things require plenty of work, and that’s something she can completely focus on now with her and Sana being very briefly paused until she figures out what to do.

The only other problem she had was Irene. But fortunately it didn’t seem like it was too much of a problem. Mostly. She had definitely been acting a little strange, but acting strange had become somewhat common for her ever since the breakup. Joy wasn’t going to question it too much. As long as she kept her secret, there would be no problems.

About a week or so of her focusing solely on school and sorority related things go by and she finds there’s still no logical answer to what she’s going to do next. Sana hasn’t texted her as much lately, which concerns her but it can’t be her focus right now. Not when her stomach still feels tight every time she thinks about her.

It’s the middle of the week when Jennie and Irene invite her to study with them. It was something the three of them used to do fairly often when she was still dating Irene, so it isn’t completely out of place. She’s more than wary enough about their intentions though, so she figures bringing Nayeon along will make it less weird for her.

Things are a little tense, the four of them sitting around a table in silence pretending to be really interested in their studies. Joy knows they’re dying to ask about it, she can practically see the questions forming in their heads. It’s inevitable at this point, so she readies herself for whatever they’ll throw at her.

“So, Joy...you  _ are _ dating someone.” Jennie throws it out, clearly testing the waters for Irene and the future of the conversation. “We all kinda knew, we’re just...surprised at who it is.”

Even knowing it was coming doesn’t stop Joy’s body from tensing. Nayeon looks somewhat nervously between the two other girls and Joy. Everyone at the table knew how quickly Joy would go into offense if she felt threatened.

“It’s inappropriate,” the three of them turn in shock towards Irene. Not even Jennie expected her to speak this boldly about it, judging by the look on her face. “You’ve been slacking in your duties, and you know that.”

Joy’s eyes narrow. She’s doing the best she can to keep her temper to a reasonable level, but her irritation is quickly building. “It’s none of your business.”

“It is when you’re the president and _ all  _ of us are supposed to work to maintain our images.” Irene sighs, closing her book. “When you do something like this, it reflects badly on all of us. Not just the slacking, and you know exactly what I mean.”

“No, I don’t. So, why don’t you just say what you mean? I would love to hear it.”

Irene rolls her eyes. “Fine. It’s about who you’re seeing. You aren’t as discreet as you think you are. Do you know how it looks for our president to be having a not so secret fling with someone who isn’t in a sorority or fraternity? We don’t care about your one night stands, but dating is different.”

Something about the way Irene speaks to her digs under her skin and she grinds her teeth. She’s just so sick of being criticized, not being able to do anything to make herself happy without something like this happening. Maybe if she just gets them off her back it’ll be over.

“We aren’t dating,” it’s nearly silent, the other girls watching her and carefully judging each word. “What we have isn’t anything serious, it never was. She’s just a good lay and it doesn’t mean anything. I’ll end it if I have to, okay? So can we drop it now? Forever?”

Nayeon and Jennie murmur something to each other, still seeming uneasy. Irene seems pleased though. Whether she believed it entirely or not, she got the answer she wanted. The rest of this week was going to be a nightmare.

\---

Surprisingly, her forced run in with Irene and company had cleared her head. After giving them what seemed to be an obvious lie and forcing them to ease up on her, she had time to focus on herself again. She’d do her best to take care of her sorority duties to the maximum again of course, but she didn’t have to worry about the constant threat of her sorority’s judgement now.

The problem was, her and Sana still weren’t talking. Sana had stopped texting her entirely. Sana didn’t always text back immediately, or sometimes if things were weird they’d put a brief pause on conversations and resume later. But it never went on like this.

Giving people space was something she could do just fine, but there was a growing feeling of dread with multiple answered texts to Sana sitting in her outbox.

When Joy comes downstairs from her room for something to drink, Yeri is sitting at the table tapping away at her phone. Perfect. She’d just have to deal with her questioning for a few minutes. It’s not like she would ask if it wasn’t important.

“Hey, so...have you heard from Sana lately? Like at all?”

Yeri looks up from her phone, clearly annoyed to be distracted from her game. “Not really, no. We haven’t talked much but I’ve seen her around.”

Joy squints. “You’ve seen her around? So she’s not sick or something?”

Realizing this doesn’t seem to be a conversation that will wrap up in the next few seconds, Yeri pauses her game and puts her phone on the table. “Did something happen with you two?”

“No! Not at all. The last time I saw her was when I was over at her place and we spent the night together. I mean I was…,” she hesitates, unsure of how to word what had happened. “I was dealing with some stuff but we didn’t get into a fight or anything like that.”

“Okay, so to me the obvious answer here is go see her in person. Maybe something came up? I don’t know Joy, figure it out. It’ll be fine.”

Although it was obvious she wasn’t in the mood for dealing with whatever this was, Yeri glances at Joy with concern. Joy simply gives a quick nod before deciding that seeing her in person was probably her best bet.

Even though it had been a bit since they talked, Joy did happen to know that Sana was closing at her work tonight since it had come up in one of their brief conversations when they were still barely talking.

So she waits a bit, just long enough so she can make it over there in time right before the cafe closes. She’ll see Sana, pick her up, take her to her apartment, they can talk. Then it’d be fine. Everything would be fine.

When she pulls up there are no cars in the parking lot, but she can see a dim light still on in the coffee shop. She exits her car and leans against the hood, constantly checking her phone for the time.

By the time Sana exits, it’s darker. She doesn’t notice Joy immediately while she’s locking up, but when she does she gives Joy a strange look. A look that makes Joy uneasy.

“Hey, can we talk? Is everything okay?” Joy’s hands are shoved into her pockets, otherwise she’d be nervously fidgeting with them.

Sana just stares at her. She looks baffled, just by Joy’s presence alone. She’s never gotten this kind of reaction out of Sana, even when they had just started out and Sana was rejecting her every move.

“You’re kidding, right? Like, you’re joking.”

Joy’s eyes widen at Sana’s tone. The way she looked at her and talked to her was like she was a complete stranger. “Sana…what’s going on?”

A scoff. “You either really don’t know, or you’re good at pretending. Well, I know for a fact the second one is true. Considering all I am to you is a good lay.”

It feels like a punch to the gut. Hearing her words thrown back at her. But how did she know? That stupid unimportant little talk wasn’t meant to be heard by anyone else.

Joy’s throat constricts, realizing just how south this was all about to go. “How did you…?”

“I was there, Joy. I go to the library like every other student in the school does. I was there, and I overheard.”

“Sana, please. Let me explain, please.” She pushes herself off the hood of the car and takes a step forward, but not close enough to alarm Sana.

The other girl just laughs and it’s cold, but not entirely unfeeling. Because there’s barely concealed hurt just behind it, and Joy aches at the thought this is what she caused. Their balancing act finally tipping over.

“Why? Would you also like to explain the things Irene told me? Because I went to your sorority house when you were barely talking to me, because I was worried about you. I thought you were sick and weren’t telling me or something. I know it was stupid, but I…,” she shakes her head, collecting herself. “Irene answered the door, let me in. We talked. She let me know in her not so subtle terms that you two had slept together.”

Of course she had. Because as much as she wanted to believe in her, Irene wasn’t impervious to jealousy or lashing out when her feelings were hurt. Joy frantically shakes her head. “No! I don’t know what she told you, but I didn’t sleep with her. Well, we did but it was before I started sleeping with you. I was frustrated you were turning me down because I just wanted you and it just...happened.”

Tears glimmer in Sana’s eyes, and Joy isn’t sure if they had maybe been there the whole time and she just couldn’t see them until now. “I know it’s not even fair for me to be mad about that, but I still am. Because nothing you did to me was fair, so I think we’re almost even now.”

“Sana, please.” Another step, but this time Sana moves backwards in turn.

“Do you know how it feels to be someone’s dirty secret? Because I do. I never complained about it either. I never asked you to change, I never asked you to put me above the sorority. I was okay with you being ashamed of me because I didn’t want to lose you.”

“That’s not true! I was never ashamed of you, it wasn’t like that at all. What I said in the library isn’t true either, I needed to get them off my back about it. I just wanted them to stop talking about it, you don’t know how they are.”

Sana turns her head away from her, and Joy catches a glimpse of fresh tears. “You couldn’t even say we were dating in private. You treated me like your girlfriend, but couldn’t call me that when nobody was around.”

Joy feels like she’s going to throw up. “I was scared.”

“You weren’t the only one who was scared. But you didn’t think about how I felt, when all I did was think about what you were feeling. I thought you were different from the girl everyone told me you were, than the person I thought you were when I met you.” She shakes her head and crosses her arms over herself defensively. “It doesn’t matter now though.”

In Sana’s last few words, Joy can feel all of it slipping away from her. It can’t end like this. “Sana, please. Don’t do this.”

Sana shakes her head slowly, deliberately. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Fear claws at Joy’s insides, a type of panic she’s never felt before. This can’t be happening. “Sana…”

“I think you should go.”

Her chest feels tight now, like someone has some kind of vice grip on her.

“Please.”

She steps towards Sana once more, but Sana takes two steps back. She has to do something, anything to fix this.

Sana is saying something else as she turns to walk away from her but she can’t hear her through the noise in her head. Time feels like it’s slowed down now that Sana is more than just metaphorically walking away from her.

It feels like word vomit as it’s coming up, but she can’t stop it. It’s her last ditch effort to make Sana stay, to make her try and understand.

“Sana, I love you. I’m in love with you. Please...”

It makes the other girl stop dead in her tracks. She turns around slowly, and the look on her face makes Joy almost want to take it back. She looks hurt, more than she did before, almost as if Joy’s words were causing her physical pain. 

The full on crying has started now, and Joy feels sick seeing it. Sana takes off her glasses and uses her sleeve to wipe away her tears. She hesitates momentarily before starting to say something else, but another car pulls into the parking lot.

Sana whips around when she hears it pull up and swiftly makes her way over. She looks at Joy one last time, shaking her head. Joy doesn’t have to see the person inside the car to remember who exactly owned that car, and the fact that Rosie is most definitely glaring daggers into her right now. 

Her eyes follow Sana getting into the passenger side, every part of her screaming at her to stop Sana. If Sana leaves now, it’s done. It won’t be fixed.

But she doesn’t. The car pulls away, and Joy is left standing alone in the parking lot.

Getting into her car and driving back feels robotic, like going through the motions. She doesn’t remember when exactly she gets to the house, and she doesn’t pay any attention to the questions of concern when the girls see her walk in.

She lays on her bed, not bothering to change clothes or get under the blankets and she stares blankly at the ceiling. All her hard work to keep them, to protect them from her friends, and none of it mattered now. It was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh..........well..........
> 
> song for this chapter is please don't go by barcelona


	12. only you know the way that i break

_So, it’s been two weeks. And we haven’t talked, but I’d really like to make things right. Call me back when you can._

Joy sighs and puts her phone down on the dresser next to her after finishing the voicemail. She has no desire to check any messages she received if they weren’t from the person she wanted to talk to the most.

There’s something playing on the tv in the background, but it doesn’t matter much to her. It’s just noise. Joy is fine to lay on her bed, doing nothing. She finds that she just doesn’t care lately. Doesn’t have the energy.

She knows there’s been a noticeable change in her moods, her levels of energy. But she doesn’t care. If anyone had a problem with how she was acting, that was their problem. And their problems were not her own. She didn’t owe any of these people anything.

After weeks had passed since Sana had left her alone in that parking lot, she didn’t know how she was supposed to feel now. If she was supposed to get over it or not. Sana was the first time she had ever been in love with someone, and as soon as she felt she really had it she had also lost it.

She had been doing her best not to obsessively contact her like a stalker, but it didn’t stop her from sending texts begging her to talk, or sending voicemails to her phone. She didn’t dare stop by her work, or confront her in public. As much as she wanted just to even talk to her, she wasn’t going to be the type of person to cause a scene.

Joy rolls her head to the side when she hears a soft knock at the door. She doesn’t really feel like doing anything but laying in bed, so she doesn’t answer. Really what she’s hoping for is the person will forget she’s home and just leave, but a minute or two passes before another knock hits against the door.

Still not willing to answer, she once again doesn’t reply. It’s almost five minutes this time until the door handle starts to turn. Irritation creeps up on her but really she doesn’t have the energy to bitch out whoever it is.

But when she sees it’s Irene her blood runs cold. They hadn’t even so much as looked at each other since Sana had dumped her. They were of course polite to each other during official sorority functions, but anytime other than that Joy had turned on her best ice queen impersonation.

Joy immediately stands up from her bed, crossing her arms over herself. “What do you want, Irene?”

Irene looks her over before closing the door behind her. “I wanted to talk.”

Vague as always. If there was one thing Irene was good at, it was that. Vagueness, getting on Joy’s nerves. “What exactly do you want to talk to me about that can’t be said at a meeting?”

A shrug, and a step forward. “I wanted to see how you were doing. And to say sorry.”

Joy untenses just a bit, and Irene steps forward again. “Sorry?”

“Of course. Breaking it off with her was for the best, but I never wanted you to get hurt. I care about you, Joy. I always have.”

She doesn’t offer Irene a reply, which is somehow an invitation for Irene to step right into her space now. Joy only shuffles back slightly in return. Irene softly lays her hand on Joy’s arm and Joy feels her heartbeat go crazy. The way this would’ve excited her last year is a far cry from now, where all it’s doing is making her nervous for all the wrong reasons.

“Irene, what are you doing?”

Irene moves her hand up and settles it on Joy’s shoulder. “Making it up to you. You’ve barely left your room since your fling ended. I know you must be...frustrated.”

Joy is frozen in place as Irene tugs her into a kiss. There’s nothing she wants more than to not be here right now, especially not with Irene. It only takes a matter of seconds before her anger is boiling over. All she can think about is Sana, Sana, Sana.

She throws Irene’s hand off her and yanks her head back. “What the hell is the matter with you?”

Irene blinks, somehow not quite understanding the anger Joy emits. “What do you mean?”

“You think I’m upset about the sex? Really?” Her nails dig into her palms as her fists clench. “You don’t know a single thing about my relationship or even about _me_ if that’s what you think.”

Seconds pass by, with a charged silence between the two of them. Joy can see the realization dawn on Irene, like an actual bulb going off inside her head. 

“You have feelings for her.” Irene murmurs, taking a step back. There’s not a chance she feels nearly as bad as Joy does or has for the past few weeks, but there’s something recognizable on her face that could come close to it. Hurt. Maybe regret. Maybe both.

Joy’s jaw clenches and she turns her head away from Irene. She isn’t going to let Irene see her break down, not now. Not like this.

There’s a lot more Joy could say right now. A lot more she wants to say. She wants to blame Irene for Sana leaving, for ruining her real chance at happiness. Telling Sana about what had happened between her and Joy before they started seeing each other had only served to hurt her, and Irene had known that. 

It would be so easy to blame Irene for everything, to place the weight of Joy’s guilt on her instead. But it wasn’t really her fault.

“Just, get out,” is all Joy offers before turning her back to Irene. Irene laughs humorlessly but doesn’t waste time leaving and pulling the door closed behind her.

\---

_I’m sure your voicemail is almost full at this point, but I just...I really need to talk to you. I can fix this if you let me. Please, call me back._

It was getting to the point that Joy was willing to do anything that wasn’t extremely unhealthy just to get her mind off Sana. Even for a day, even for an hour. Even if it meant going out and doing something with people who were probably happy about the end of her relationship.

Some of the girls had been begging her to hang out with them, and she finally gives in one day after Nayeon had been pestering her for half the day. But going to the mall would be fine. It meant no serious talks. They’d all probably talk about the latest campus gossip, nothing she couldn’t handle.

Nayeon, Mina, and Lisa excitedly dragged her from store to store just like she had expected. She plastered on a smile believable enough to stop them from asking her what was wrong in the middle of the mall. Either they believed the mask or were smart enough to realize they didn’t want to open that door.

Her phone was practically glued to her hand. Part of her knew she wasn’t going to magically get the reply she wanted, or any reply at all after everything that had happened. But she couldn’t stop herself. Couldn’t stop from wishing and praying that her pleading wouldn’t fall on deaf ears.

The three girls are chatting casually in the food court after Mina had decided they needed a small shopping break for smoothies. Joy doesn’t bother joining their conversations, but still listens on for anything that could be of interest to her.

It takes just a second to realize all of their voices have dropped to hushed whispers, a very sudden change from their conversations only a moment ago.

When Joy looks up from her phone, their voices stop completely and she realizes why. They don’t notice from the other side of the mall, but the figures are unmistakable. Sana. Jeongyeon. Sana is clinging to Jeongyeon like she always does. But it’s different now, now that she’s nothing to Sana. Because she looks happy now. Maybe this is what she wanted after all. Someone who could be with her. No secrets, no hiding away.

She feels dizzy, like she might actually throw up. She needs to not be here. Anywhere else in the world. Preferably some place where she couldn’t see Sana moving on already.

Nayeon mutters something while clasping her hand on Joy’s shoulder, the other girls look at her sympathetically. Joy doesn’t want the sympathy though, she wants Sana. Wants to be in Jeongyeon’s place, having Sana hold onto her arm and giggling at the bad jokes she’d tell.

She had no idea something could hurt this much. When she abruptly stands up the other girls stand with her and try to make their way as quickly as they can to the exit near where they parked. Unfortunately, it’s not quick enough for her to miss Sana’s last look over her shoulder before disappearing into the crowd of people.

\---

_I think I’m probably running out of ways to ask for forgiveness, or to say sorry. But I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry for everything._

Things with Yeri had been frosty at best. It wasn’t hard to figure out why it was like this. Yeri had warned her to stay away from Sana which of course Joy had never planned on doing. Of course she had been irritated, but her coming around as quickly as she did had been nothing short of a miracle. But hurting Sana the way Joy did was something else entirely. It was the reason why Yeri had tried to stop Joy in the first place.

She did want to smooth things over with Yeri, really. She had noticed how carefully Yeri had been watching her lately, like she was waiting for a slip up of some sort. And no, she hadn’t made one but she also wasn’t blind to the fact that Joy just didn’t seem to care anymore. Nobody was.

They hadn’t planned on it but somehow they had both found themselves studying in the dining room that night. Yeri had been down there first with a book cracked open, Joy coming down after with her laptop tucked under her arm. When she heard Joy enter, Yeri looked up but said nothing before returning to her reading.

Joy hesitantly sets her laptop down and opens it, feeling the iciness of Yeri’s reception. There’s no way she’ll be able to focus on work now but she also doesn’t want to so blatantly fold and just go back to her room. So she guesses she’ll have to make it work.

She starts going through the links she had sent herself for research, occasionally glancing up to see if Yeri was going to do anything besides write notes and stare at her book. Nope.

Part of her just wanted to ask Yeri when she’d stop being mad at her and to focus on their friendship but there was one thing she couldn’t get out of her head. Jeongyeon and Sana. It had been like a nightmare playing on loop in her head. The two of them together, making Joy ancient history in less than a month. If she didn’t at least try to bury this now it would haunt her for god knows how long.

“Hey, Yeri? Do you mind if I ask you something?”

Yeri briefly looks up, raising her brow at the question. “It depends on what it is.”

That wasn’t exactly the response she was looking for, but she’d have to work with it. “I guess I just wanted to know, just once, if you knew how Sana was doing.”

There’s a brief spell of silence before Yeri closes her book before looking up at Joy, staring at her incredulously. “How do you _think_ she’s doing Joy? You cannot be serious right now.”

Joy nervously closes her laptop, folding her hands together on her lap. “I just...I saw her with Jeongyeon and I know I don’t have a right to be hurt but I just didn’t think she’d move on that quickly and-”

Yeri cuts her off, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. “You’re right! You absolutely don’t have a right to be hurt! But god, you are so dumb sometimes for someone so smart. You think she’s dating Jeongyeon? Jeongyeon has a girlfriend, and you _know_ her girlfriend.”

She thinks, but she definitely had no idea who her alleged girlfriend was and she had definitely never met her.

Yeri rolls her eyes. “Momo. She’s dating Momo. She has been since the beginning of the school year. I really can’t believe you never put that together. Sana was the one to introduce them and is the entire reason they got together in the first place.”

Oh. It makes sense, actually. Momo was always with her girlfriend who she never brought around. But now her reasons for never bringing Jeongyeon over were way too obvious. Who would want to sit around in an atmosphere like that and have to explain those dynamics?

“You know she’s heartbroken, right Joy? Not that you deserve to feel comforted by the fact that she hasn’t moved on, but you do deserve to know how badly you hurt her. After I begged you not to, more than once.”

Joy looks down, unable to look her best friend in the eyes. “I never meant to.”

“But you did anyway,” Yeri frustratedly brushes her own hair back, looking for the right things to say to make Joy really and truly understand. “You know, after she found out I knew about everything she came and talked to me about you two. She told me about how she didn’t usually do hookups or whatever like that, but she liked you so much she was willing to do it anyway.”

Joy’s stomach twists, realizing this isn’t what she wanted out of Yeri at all. She wanted something to make the pain go away just for a minute. A band-aid, really.

Not at all willing to wait for Joy to reply, Yeri goes on. “You remember when she left for Japan over winter break. She told me you guys didn’t talk at all, that she didn’t text you once. Do you know why that was? Because she expected you’d drop her after sleeping with her. That’s why she was confused when you showed up at her place.”

“Okay, enough.” To think that she couldn’t even argue with it because that had been her original intention. But it wasn’t her plan by that point, because by that point she was already in far too deep to even consider walking away. 

“No, Joy. I think you need to hear this. You’ve been acting pathetically. You say you’re so sorry and that you want her back, but what would change? If she came back to you, what would be different? The sorority still wouldn’t accept her, if you wanted any privacy at all you’d still have to keep everything a secret.”

Joy feels the burn of what should be tears against her eyes, but nothing comes. “I just have to ask one more thing. Then we don’t have to talk about her ever again, and you can continue not talking to me. Do you think I could ever make it right?”

Yeri lets out the breath she had been holding. “I don’t know, Joy. I really don’t. But truthfully, I don’t think putting her above the sorority is a commitment you’re willing or ready to make. It would change everything about your life, not just your dating life.”

Letting the words actually sink in, Joy nods. She slides her laptop under her arm and hurriedly makes her way back upstairs to her room without stopping to look back at Yeri.

\---

A few days go by since her conversation with Yeri, and Yeri’s words now occupy 90% of her brain along with Sana.

But she can’t stop thinking about Yeri saying she wasn’t ready to make Sana her priority. Was she right? Surely, she was.

The whole reason they were in this mess was because she refused to put anything above her reputation and standing with the sorority, not even her own happiness.

But it wasn’t as simple as everyone around her had thought it would be, right? It wasn’t just about her school reputation, it was about her parents, her future. It was about that changing even the smallest thing about her life would be like a row of dominoes coming down. 

How would her mother feel if she had gotten the news she had put some girl above her neatly polished reputation and embarrassed her legacy status? 

None of it should’ve been as complicated as it was, but quite simply, it just was. She never asked to be born the oldest daughter with the bulk of her family’s expectations on her shoulders, but she was and there wasn’t anything she could do to change that.

It was hard not to fantasize though, about a world where it was different. Where she could be herself and not feel like she was putting on a mask every single day for people she barely knew or didn’t know at all. A world where she could be with someone who made her genuinely happy, someone she loved.

But maybe it was time to put those dreams to rest. Even if she didn’t care about the sorority the way she used to or the way she should, Sana still wasn’t coming back. Even if she wasn’t with Jeongyeon, she deserved to be happy. She deserved everything that Joy couldn’t give her.

So she’d leave one last voicemail. It would be her way of saying goodbye, of letting go. Sana was undoubtedly sick of them at this point, considering she hadn’t called her back or acknowledged their existence whatsoever. All of it would be for the best. Maybe some things just weren’t meant to work out.

She’d tell Sana that she was sorry for the millionth time. But she wouldn’t call anymore. No calls, texts, emails, none of it. She’d tell her that she regretted not being able to put her first when she deserved a lot better than that. She’d tell her that she really did love her, and that she wishes things could be different for them. But they weren’t.

Joy exhales a shaky breath as she goes through her contact list to Sana’s name. She doesn’t think she’s ever been less ready for a goodbye. She stares at the contact, thumb hovering above the call button. She doesn’t know how much time passes before she’s finally able to press it.

It feels like it rings endlessly, but she has every word prepared in her head. Every word, every pause, every emotion she wanted to convey to Sana one last time.

_“Sorry, the voicemail box you’re trying to reach is full. You are unable to leave a message at this time. You may try again later.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well things have to get worse before they get better yknow......
> 
> song for this chapter is idontwannabeyouanymore by billie eilish


	13. do the things you do, say what i mean to

Getting out of bed was probably the hardest these days. Even with upcoming sorority events and graduation around the corner, it felt like Joy had nothing to look forward to. Her days were empty, but it wasn’t like she could stop pushing forward.

She would love to just stay in bed, wallowing in her own misery. But it wasn’t a luxury that was afforded to her with more and more responsibilities on her to-do list each day.

“And finally, as you all know, alumni weekend is coming up. You guys already know, but let me reiterate. It’s a very big weekend for all of us, considering most of our major donors will be there. So guys, everyone on your best behavior starting now. I mean it. One slip up could be a huge blow to our image, and our standing with the college.”

The board nods along with Yeri’s words, following closely. Not a single one of them made a joke out of this weekend, having seen from years past how serious an event it was for all of them.

“Joy,” Yeri clears her throat. “Anything to add?”

Joy snaps out of her trance, her gaze fixed on something in the distance. Even though things were still kind of weird between them, Yeri had been helping with some of the smaller duties of hers that she no longer had the drive for. Since Yeri already had the president position locked for next year, it wasn’t too difficult for her.

“Uh, no. I believe you said everything we needed to hear. I’ll be sending out emails with more information and what will be expected of everyone. Thank you, Yeri. If nobody else has anything to add, I think we’re done for today.”

All the girls shake their heads and Joy motions with her hand signaling the meeting is finally finished.

They all gradually return to their previous activities in different rooms, until the only three left at the table are Joy, Yeri, and Irene.

Yeri looks between the two of them, looking just as confused as Joy felt.

“Do you two, uh, need a minute?”

Irene puts on her best fake smile, which Joy could very easily read but no doubt Yeri was able to detect it as well. “Actually, I was going to ask Joy if we could speak somewhere in private. Joy?”

Ah, using the third party present to make Joy look like she was being rude if she didn’t agree. Irene was very smart. She played a little dirty sometimes, but she knew how to get exactly what she wanted.

Joy returns the fake smile, nodding. “Of course.”

They make their way up to Joy’s room, with their previous encounter there still in the back of Joy’s mind. She really was in no state of mind to deal with something similar, and if Irene tried something she might just explode.

Irene is the first to sit on the bed, and she glances up at Joy while waiting for her to take the spot beside her. Joy does cautiously, not sure what to expect in the coming moments.

“I wanted to say sorry, to begin with.”

Joy bites the inside of her cheek, willing herself to stay calm. “If it’s any kind of ‘sorry’ like last time, then keep it. I really don’t even want to hear it.”

Irene shakes her head, looking down. “No, it isn’t. It’s a genuine apology. But I also want you to hopefully understand where I was coming from. I suspect you knew I had feelings for you and that’s why I was trying to get you back. I think with the way everything ended, I had a lot of unresolved feelings towards you and the situation.”

Well...this was actually going better than Joy thought it would. But she had been here before with Irene, and she knew how suddenly things could go south. She looks at Irene now, who is still looking down while she speaks.

“It was hard for me, knowing you were with other people. I wondered what they had that I didn’t. And when I saw you and her together at the party, it made it worse. I was jealous, angry, spiteful...I told her something not relevant to your relationship to hurt her and push her away from you that day she came to the house.”

Hearing Irene admit it somehow makes it both better and worse. She’s starting to understand where she’s coming from, and she almost sympathizes. But any possible sympathy is still at war with her hurt towards losing Sana.

Irene lets out a dry laugh. “I tried to deny it at the time, but the way you looked at her when I saw you two together...you never looked at me like that. Not once. I think deep down I knew I didn’t have a chance after seeing that. But I didn’t want to come to terms with that, so I lashed out. And I’m really sorry, because I didn’t only lose my friend, I was part of the reason you lost someone you loved.”

It would be easy to miss, but Joy notices the few tears that drip onto Irene’s hands seated on her lap. As angry as she was at her still, Irene was human too. A human with her own feelings and faults who was just as prone to making mistakes as anyone else was. 

Joy reaches over, taking Irene’s hand in hers. Irene wipes at her tears with her free hand, watching Joy carefully.

“I’m sorry too. I’m not exactly the good guy here either. I led you on and I never even acknowledged it. But it was never about something you did or didn’t do...it was about me and how I needed to grow up. Our relationship wasn’t easy for either of us, and I’m sorry for that too. I wasn’t a good friend when you needed me, or a good girlfriend.”

Irene laughs again, but in a way that brings Joy a sort of comfort. She gives Irene’s hand a tight squeeze.

“I’m starting to think maybe we should’ve just talked it out to begin with, like two normal people.”

Joy hums in agreement. Hearing Irene apologize for everything but also being able to apologize for the ways she had let Irene down felt like a massive weight off her shoulders. She had missed her friend, and it was good to have her back.

“Are you gonna be okay though? With the sorority and everything. We’ve all been worried about you.” Irene nudges Joy gently with her shoulder.

Would she be okay? Well, she didn’t really know the answer to that one. She was managing, in her own way. But she was also miserable. Sana was a thought that she was unable just to push to the back of her mind or lock away. It had been just barely over a month since they had broken up, and she wasn’t sure when it would stop hurting.

“I’ll be fine. I’m just…,” she pauses, looking away from Irene. “I’m not the same person anymore. I don’t know. It’s just different now.”

She nods, but Joy doesn’t think Irene quite understands what she means. But Joy isn’t exactly sure what she means either.

\---

Even with alumni week almost exactly a week away, it could not stop a party from being thrown at their house. At this point, the apocalypse probably couldn’t stop one either.

It’s another thing Joy has less than zero interest in these days. When she was with Sana, she’d still make her needed appearances and sometimes she’d even have just a little bit of fun when you threw in a shot or two. But this felt like an obligation, or a duty. She didn’t want to be here at all, so she’d have to make the best of it.

People are back to hitting on her the same rate they did before it became at least somewhat public knowledge that she was off the market. There’s nothing more she’d love than to sneer and tell them to get lost, and if it wasn’t for everything that was going on she just might. But she politely rejects them, watches some of them roll their eyes or still tell her to call them.

Logically, she thinks to herself the only real way for her to be able to handle this is to get drunk. But she’s more than earned that. It had been a very long time since she had gotten drunk, more often than not playing it safe these days.

She loses track of how many shots she takes, feeling a little too much like freshman year. Yeri had been watching her carefully again. As tense as it was, they were still best friends. Irritated or not, Yeri wouldn’t let Joy do something stupid while drunk and while it was plenty avoidable. Unfortunately, she had gotten dragged off by some of her other friends at the party, leaving Joy's fate in her own hands.

Nayeon and Tzuyu are by her side for most of the start of the night too, with Nayeon being her unofficial drinking buddy once more. Nayeon wasn’t there to keep an eye on her though. Not when she was also fairly drunk, and had been before Joy had even taken her first sip.

As always, Nayeon attracts attention and is cracking jokes with everyone around her laughing and hanging on her every word. Joy thinks about a time where that would’ve been her basking in the attention from people who loved her for who they thought she was, or wanted her to be.

Joy leans against the wall, taking everything in. She’s content to just stand there in silence now, completely aware that she’ll most likely stumble her first few steps away.

An arm goes around her shoulder and she looks over to see Nayeon grinning at her.

“Joy, you would not belieeeeve how happy we are to have you back. Well, you’re still kinda bumming all of us out but I’m happy you’re here.”

This doesn’t feel like the compliment Nayeon probably thinks it is. Joy stays mute, nodding along with Nayeon’s words.

“We know you were like...dating that girl, right? It’s chill though, because it was a weird match. You were way, way cooler than her even if she was kinda hot.”

Joy’s eyes narrow. Oh, this is absolutely not the place to start something. Not the place to lose her temper at a very drunk Nayeon. But she wasn’t exactly sober either, and she never had the patience of a saint. 

Tzuyu peers over at them nervously, giving Nayeon a look that tells her just to leave it be. But Nayeon doesn’t quite process Tzuyu’s attempted communication, choosing to keep going.

“The girls here just want you to be happy, y’know? Not slumming it with someone not even in a sorority, because you can like, totally do better than some random loser Joy.”

“What did you say?” Joy can’t stop her immediate response along with shrugging Nayeon’s arm off her shoulder, trying to stay steady as she takes a step away.

Nayeon looks confused, not quite understanding what triggered Joy’s sudden mood change. A few of the various party goers start to back away, sensing the direction things were about to go in. Tzuyu looks at Nayeon pleadingly, hoping she’ll backtrack as quickly as possible.

“I just said you can do better,” she shrugs and takes another sip from her cup. “I didn’t mean it offensively or anything like that.”

Joy can feel her temper rising quickly and she doesn’t care about keeping it down at all. It’s all come to this moment. Her growing disinterest in the sorority, losing Sana, just not caring at all about any of the shallow things surrounding her.

“You don’t know the first thing about her, you don’t.” The slight slur in her words is present, but her current levels of anger keep her from caring too much about it. “She’s a better person than everyone here, including me!”

Nayeon’s eyes go wide, and she waves her hands in front of her. “Joy, I’m sorry I-”

“No, you aren’t,” Joy snaps back at her. “Nobody cared that I was sad because I got dumped, everyone just wanted me to go back to being fake happy all the time.”

People are staring at them now, the noise levels of the party having gone down as people looked on curiously. Everyone in the vicinity had expected Joy to quietly put Nayeon in her place, but the last thing anyone expected was a full blown meltdown.

Joy isn’t giving any thoughts to her words, all of them spilling out as her anger finally boils over. It’s not like any of it was unwarranted, and she knows all the people who need to hear it are within earshot now if they weren’t a few minutes ago. For once all she wants to do is feel instead of think.

“I’m just...done. I’m done being the president. I can’t pretend to care about the sorority anymore, because I don’t.” Joy looks up at Nayeon who is staring at her in total shock, mouth hanging open. “I quit.”

She wobbles a bit when she pushes her way through the crowd of people, ignoring the calls of her name behind her. She knows that if she looks back she’ll lose her nerve and look even more foolish in front of every single person there.

When she finally makes it to the front lawn, she just keeps walking. Not far enough to be in any kind of danger, but hopefully far enough to be out of sight and to a point where nobody will chase her down.

It’s only about twenty minutes or so before she comes to a stop, standing there alone under a streetlight. She doesn’t want to spend her time thinking about the consequences of what she’s done, or how she’ll feel in the morning. There’s only one thing she wants to do, and only one person she wants to see.

\---

When the cab she ordered comes to a stop, she thanks the driver quickly and slaps some cash down into his hand before stepping shakily out onto the sidewalk.

Being here feels different now. It feels empty. There’s no excitement in her chest like she used to get when Sana invited her over here. All she feels is longing, wishing things hadn’t ended up like this.

If she were more sober, she probably wouldn’t have done this. She’s surprised in her current state she was able to get this far, but she is very thankful she’s able to not act like a drunken mess all things considered.

Joy debates ringing the buzzer. Sana was most likely home, the coffee shop already closed at this hour. It was hard not to think of the painful ache in her chest and how she’d give just about anything to fix it.

But Sana doesn’t want to see her. She knows that. She’s not here to flaunt the fact that she stepped down, because she hasn’t even begun to think about the repercussions that she’ll have to deal with tomorrow. It won’t fix things either, with the possibility that it’ll just make her look desperate and sad. Joy just wants to see Sana, to be near her again. It was the only thing that had comforted her all school year, and she wasn’t sure how she got by without it before Sana had been in her life.

So she doesn’t ring the buzzer, doesn’t try to call her, or even text her. She just sits. Sits down on the cold ground, back against the wall of the building. It’s not nearly enough to satisfy the ache, but it’s something. If this is the closest she’ll be to Sana ever again before their lives part ways completely after graduation, then she’ll take it.

She tilts her head back letting it rest against the wall, doing her best to not think about tomorrow. Tomorrow is when things would fully crash down around her. She doesn’t feel sad to leave it behind, not really. Not when deep down she had known for a long time it wasn’t what she had wanted. But it’s still hard to let go of the things part of your life for so long, even if they no longer proved to be beneficial for you.

Joy doesn’t look over when the front door creaks open, not really caring about whatever neighbor of Sana’s is leaving their apartment. Hopefully they wouldn’t mind the drunk girl sitting in silence outside their apartment building.

“Joy? What are you even doing here?”

The call of her name startles her and she realizes the person is now right in front of her. Joy opens her eyes and sees Momo standing above her, arms crossed and eyeing her warily. Not exactly who she would’ve liked to see coming out of the building, but she was counting her blessings that Momo wasn’t currently cussing her out.

“I, uh…,” she pushes herself off the ground, struggling to get to her feet. No longer filled with righteous rage, her attempted words now just sound like any old drunk person. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be here.”

“Holy shit, you’re so drunk,” Momo mutters to herself. “But why _are_ you here?”

That was a funny question, as if Joy herself could even articulate the answer. “I don’t know, it’s stupid. I just quit the sorority back at the party just now and I know I shouldn’t even be saying this but I missed Sana and I know she still hates me but-”

“Hold on,” Momo holds her hand up to stop Joy from continuing. “Did you just say you quit the sorority?”

Joy nods slowly and Momo rubs her face in exasperation.

“You left the sorority tonight at the party, which also happens to be where you live. Do you have someone you can stay with?”

“Not...really. My parents don’t live around here, and all my friends are in the sorority…”

By the look on Momo’s face, she’s definitely going through some kind of internal battle. Joy wouldn’t really blame her if she just left her here though.

“Okay, well, you’re definitely not going upstairs. You’re not exactly my favorite person right now, but I can’t leave a drunk girl outside with no place to go. So you’re coming with me, I was leaving for the night anyway.”

Momo starts walking towards her car, and Joy just stares at her, not quite comprehending what was being said to her. When she realizes Joy isn’t following her, Momo turns back and grabs Joy’s wrist before pulling her along to the car.

\---

“Are you out of your mind? I don’t want her here!”

“What would you have done? Left her outside in possible danger?”

“Yes, yes I would have.”

Joy sits on Jeongyeon’s couch with her hands folded, listening to Momo and Jeongyeon arguing right inside the bedroom. They either weren’t aware that Joy could hear every word, or they just really didn’t care.

As soon as Jeongyeon had seen who Momo had brought along, Joy had never seen a faster mood change in someone else. Jeongyeon seemingly wanted to kick Joy right back out, but Momo hadn’t budged.

“Momo, this is insane. What are you gonna do if Sana finds out?”

“She isn’t going to find out, because I’m not going to tell her and neither are you.” Momo’s voice lowers now, with Joy straining to hear her. “You know how upset she is over her, but I couldn’t leave someone in a situation like that. Regardless of who it was.”

Jeongyeon lets out a deep sigh and their raised voices turn into a quiet back and forth that Joy definitely can't hear now. A few minutes of that go by before the bedroom door swings open. They both walk towards the couch, with Jeongyeon looking like she was walking towards her own execution.

“Against my better judgement, my girlfriend has convinced me to let you stay over for the night. But just tonight. You have to figure out everything after that. If you puke on anything, you’re paying for it. There’s water bottles in the fridge. You’ll find a pillow and blanket on the other side of the couch.”

Before she can properly reply, Jeongyeon has turned herself around and gone back to her room, leaving the door open for Momo to come with her.

Momo looks over her shoulder at the bedroom door, before sitting down next to a nervous Joy on the couch.

“Sorry about that. She’s a little...protective. But you can’t really blame her.”

“I don’t, at all.” Joy hiccups, and then rubs her face. “She’s a good friend to Sana. You too.”

It’s silent for a few moments, Joy trying to give Momo the room she needs for her to get whatever she wants off her chest.

“I didn’t buy it, you know? When Sana told me what you said. I didn’t buy it for a second. I saw how you acted with her. Nobody can fake something like that, you’d have to be probably the best actress in the world.”

Her stomach starts to hurt, the anxiety of the situation and thought of what she did to Sana rushing back in. She simply nods for her response.

“Keeping her a secret though? I almost wish I had said something from the start. It was never right. You knew that, I knew that, and she definitely knew that. But you made her so happy that she ignored it. She really…” Momo fully stops herself and Joy’s stomach flips waiting for her to say whatever it comes next in that sentence. “She really cared about you.”

Cared? As in past tense? As in she really did lose the one shot she ever had with the girl?

“I know. I was an idiot. I’d do anything to make it right, but if she never wants to speak to me again...I’ll accept it.” She sniffles, trying not to let this sudden wave of emotion get the best of her. “I’ve never felt this way about anybody before, but she should be happy. It should be her choice.”

Momo doesn’t reply, just looks Joy over and nods. If Joy was looking for any kind of hint or hope that she could fix something, she wasn’t getting it from Momo. Momo stands up and makes her way towards the bedroom door.

“Wait, Momo. I forgot to say thank you. Really. For convincing Jeongyeon to let me stay.”

It gets a half smile out of the girl before she shrugs. “You did me a favor before, and I did owe you one. We’re even now.”

When Momo retreats to the bedroom and shuts the door behind her, it’s near completely silent in the apartment. It’s relaxing in a way she hasn’t experienced in a long time. In her room she never felt completely at ease, with her sorority sisters just outside the door at any given time. Jeongyeon and Momo in the other room isn’t exactly her idea of fun either, but it’s different. They may or may not hate her but they weren’t forcing her to be anyone she wasn’t.

For now, she’ll enjoy the silence in the dimly lit apartment. Because when she woke up tomorrow, things would never be able to go back to the way they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm i'm actually not sure if i made that obvious enough, but surprise! she said i'm out lmaoooo
> 
> song for this chapter is i don't feel real by patternist


	14. put all your faults to bed

The very first thing she registers is the dull throb in her head. That, and her phone miraculously still alive sitting on the ground next to the couch. More missed calls and texts than she wanted to deal with, she’d have to take care of that shortly.

Joy groans, sliding off the couch to go grab a water bottle that she had remembered Jeongyeon had told her about in the fridge. It wasn’t her first hangover, and it definitely wasn’t even her worst. But with the memories of everything else that happened last night flooding back, it could easily be her worst ever morning after.

Her eyes catch sight of the door to the bedroom, wide open with the noise of some television program playing. So somebody was here, but she had to hope it wasn’t the one who actually lived here.

She takes a swig from the chilled bottle before creeping towards the door and poking her head inside.

Jeongyeon is laying flat on her bed not actually paying attention to what’s on her television, looking like she could doze off at any moment. When she realizes Joy is standing in her doorway, she gives her a quick glance before sitting upright on her bed. 

She gives Joy a nod which Joy returns, unsure how to approach the situation. Of course she was thankful to Jeongyeon, but she also knew at any moment she could completely (and fairly) get ripped a new one.

“I just wanted to say thanks for letting me stay over. I was a mess last night.”

Jeongyeon snorts. “Yeah, mess is an understatement.”

Well, that wasn’t totally undeserved. Joy chuckles, scratching her head. “You’re right. It’s kind of a blur though. I remember pretty much everything, it’s just weird. It doesn’t exactly feel real.”

That earns her a short but unexpected sympathetic look from Jeongyeon. 

“What are you gonna do now? Now that you left and everything.”

That seemed to really be the question of the moment. What now? None of the possible options available to her really seemed like a great time. Before she figured out anything down the line, she had to face everyone in her life.

“To be honest? I have no idea. I have about thirty missed calls and a hundred unread texts. So, reading whatever is in those will be my first step. Everything else is...I’m not sure.”

The other girl pats the bed next to her, sending a gesture that may seem small but felt huge to Joy. Jeongyeon had no reason to be even a little nice to her right now. Even before the breakup, she didn’t have a reason.

Joy sits down, letting out an anxious breath she didn’t know she had been holding in the first place. “I don’t have anything else to lose right now, so there’s something I have to ask you.”

Jeongyeon scans her face, undoubtedly looking for any dark ulterior motive. But she can’t find one, because there isn’t one. She gives a nod as her okay.

“When you and Sana were, you know...together, what was it like? Being in a real relationship with her? Something where you actually got to call her your girlfriend.”

The reaction she gets shows that Jeongyeon actually wasn’t expecting that at all, surprised totally by Joy’s boldness. It makes a fair amount of sense, considering Joy wouldn’t dare broach the subject in any other situation. But now that she’s lost Sana, lost the sorority, lost her friends in the sorority, what does it matter?

“Wow, uh…,” she coughs, looking at the wall. “There’s a lot to her, in a good way. She’s sweet, very genuinely. She’s very warm and open. She gets attached too easily, and always gets her feelings hurt. The type of person to do anything to make the person she loves happy, but she needs just as much in return.”

She nods slowly, knowing some of that after getting to know her over the past few. Sana might’ve been one of the warmest people she had ever met. But the part about getting attached too easily and getting hurt hits her harder than she wants it to.

“I mean...I think you know. But she’s great, really. Being with her was a lot of fun when we still had feelings for each other. She’s the type of person to just, catch you by surprise. Before you know it she’s kind of your whole world.”

Joy feels a tight clenching feeling in her chest and bites the inside of her cheek hoping not to let her mood change show. Jeongyeon looks over, noticing her very sudden downwards turn of mood. This really isn’t the time or place to start to get emotional over anything, and Jeongyeon was only answering something she had asked. Still, she couldn’t help how hearing that hurt more than anything.

“I think we both know we didn’t exactly get off to a great start, but...I’m sorry about what happened. Even though you definitely deserved to get dumped, sorry.”

Joy laughs, even though she knew behind the joking tone Jeongyeon wasn’t kidding about the last part. She almost had to respect the fact that Jeongyeon would stay a protective friend no matter what.

“I appreciate that. Both the sympathy and the brutal honesty.” Joy glances at the clock on the wall, feeling a sudden rush of anxiety. “I should probably go soon though. I have some angry sorority girls to deal with.”

She doesn’t waste time standing up from the bed and making her way to the living room but Jeongyeon’s voice stops her while she’s collecting her things by the living room couch.

“Joy, hold on.” Jeongyeon is standing at her bedroom doorway, looking hesitant. “For what it’s worth, what you had with Sana was real. I don’t think you should doubt that.”

In an ideal world, this would be some kind of hint that Sana wanted to get back together. That Joy wasn’t wasting her time longing for some girl that rightfully was fed up with what she had done. It probably wasn’t, but she couldn’t stop the hope from settling in her chest.

\---

Sitting outside the sorority house in her car she’s still a mess. Jeongyeon had given her a little extra time to clean herself up to appear somewhat presentable but it was kind of obvious that she had been drinking the night before and that she had spent the night on someone’s couch.

After finally looking at everything unread on her phone, she had seen all the messages from the girls begging her to reconsider and not do anything rash. Yeri and Irene in particular had left the most messages, telling her not to get into any trouble and to come back to the house so they could all discuss it.

She knew what was waiting for her on the other side of the house door. They’d all ask her not to step down, or try to convince her that what she did was obviously a drunken mistake that they’d be willing to look past. But she knew better now.

When she had woken up that morning, she didn’t feel regret for saying she was leaving. Maybe embarrassment for how and where it had happened, or fear from knowing she’d have to deal with the consequences for it. But not regret. When she had told Irene she wasn’t the same person any longer, she hadn’t quite understood her own words at the time. But she did now.

The door is unlocked, with them knowing she’d be coming to talk. The house is eerily quiet, and it unsettles her just a bit.

Joy finds every member of the board sitting at the dining room table. Their usual meeting spot, and the place where Joy could finally put this to an end.

They’re all quietly talking among themselves, and Yeri glances up at her. There’s no clear emotion evident on her face. She’d be hard to read in this case.

“Joy, great to see you this morning. Please, sit. We have a lot to talk about.” There’s nothing Yeri like in her tone at all as she greets Joy. She's in full on business mode right now.

She pulls out a chair, taking a quick glance around. None of the girls seem willing to make eye contact with her. She knew it was going to be awkward, but not like this. Not having even one real vocal ally on her side affected her more than she thought it would.

“As you know, last night was somewhat of a disaster. We’ve been getting calls from donors already because word of our president publicly embarrassing herself and stepping down has already gotten around.”

Ouch. Well no punches pulled from her best friend. But she can’t pretend she doesn’t understand why.

“But Joy, you and I both know what happened was an overreaction. Nayeon is obviously very sorry,” she gestures to an embarrassed looking Nayeon who gives a quick nod. “She didn’t mean to strike a nerve, of course. I think we can chalk it up to drunken thoughtlessness and nothing more serious than that.”

The way her best friend reminds her so much of herself in the president position almost scares her. Smart, equipped, knowing all the right things to say.

“Even though we could manage without you seeing as it’s almost graduation, this is a bad look for us. And for you too. You have to know what you’d be losing if you left like this. You’d be a social outcast even just for the last bit of school until graduation, because we’d have to drop you completely. And there’s...well, other things I’m sure you’re aware of.”

Joy doesn’t miss the last bit, the hesitation in her words. She knows what she was gonna say. Something about whatever her parents would have to say. But even Yeri going through this wouldn’t be that heartless to throw something like that in her face.

Yeri clears her throat. “Listen, all I’m saying is, please reconsider stepping down. We don’t want you to leave, and you know all the problems it would cause for literally everyone here. At least take some time to think about it before coming back to us.”

When she walked in that door, she had felt so certain of what she should do. That she needed to throw it in their faces and tell them she was never coming back because she had made her decision already. But it wasn’t that easy. Seeing the way her best friend was pleading with her and asking her not to go from under her stoic facade didn’t mean nothing to her. The other girls didn’t mean nothing to her either. She may have been sick of keeping up appearances for the people around her but it isn’t like she hated any of them or didn’t have great memories with them.

The meeting ends with Yeri’s dismissal and Joy is the first one to step away. She couldn’t be happier to get out of there with the awkwardness of it all being harder to navigate than she thought it would be.

On her way to her car she hears a familiar voice yelling out after her, and she turns around to see Irene following closely behind. Irene makes sure the front door is closed behind her, at least giving them some momentary privacy. 

“Hey, is everything okay?”

Irene gives her a confused look. “I should be the one asking you that. We didn’t know where you went or who you were with last night. You showed up this morning looking like a high schooler after their first ever night of partying.”

It occurs to her that if nothing else, she should’ve at least told Irene or Yeri she was safe. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I found someone to stay with. A...friend let me spend the night so I was okay. Sorry for not letting anyone know. I was really upset.”

The other girl nods. She seems like she’s holding something in, but Joy isn’t sure what. So she takes her hand, hoping to comfort her and coax whatever it is out of her. “If you have something to say, you should just tell me.”

Irene sighs, shaking her head. “I don’t want you to go. Not in a selfish romantic way, or a way where I’m trying to sabotage you. But because I don’t want things to get worse for any of us. You already lost Sana, you don’t have to lose everything else too.”

When she says that she has no ulterior motives, Joy is inclined to believe it. There’s nothing cold or deceptive about her words, all of it is completely sincere.

“Well, Yeri said I should take time to think about it. So I will. I’ll actually think about it, no games. I just need time to myself to think about some things. Okay?”

She’s pulled into a tight hug, and something about it tells her it’s more for Irene’s benefit than Joy’s but it’s something she’s willing to give to her. She reciprocates and lets the hug go on until Irene finally pulls away.

“Just...think about what you really want. Don’t think about whether it would make me or anyone else in there happy because this isn’t about them. And you’ve been thinking about everyone else for a really long time.”

With that, Irene turns and makes a beeline straight back inside without giving Joy a chance to say anything else.

\---

Staying in her old room for the night wasn’t really something that sounded appealing even though it had been offered up to her. The first thing she had done after leaving the house had been to book a nearby hotel room, somewhere that she could shower and change into some new clothes she had also been quick to purchase after realizing she didn’t want to go back to the house until she really had to.

There weren’t a lot of things she could do to pass the time though. None of her go to sorority friends would be willing to hang out until she made her decision, phone games could only occupy her for so long, and all of her stuff including her laptop was in her room.

After careful consideration, she had decided to go get a drink by herself. It was a place she hadn’t been to in a while. A quiet bar where the regulars were mostly older and somewhere she had frequented more often in her earlier college years when she didn’t want to be surrounded by her peers. It was somewhere she could take some time to reflect on the situation and just be able to think.

She knows not to go overboard to drown her sorrows, because she didn’t need a repeat of the disaster from the night before or the headache from the morning. But it was nice to be somewhere people didn’t care about her, or her sorority. She was just another girl sitting by herself at a bar, nothing more and nothing less.

A few people had approached her, wondering if they could buy her drinks and she had quickly declined all of them. The last thing she needed right now was another suitor, especially considering how getting Sana off her mind was proving to be impossible.

“Is this seat taken?”

Joy readies herself for a firm but polite rejection before they can even get to that part, but when she turns her head she doesn’t see some random there to ask for a night out.

“Yeri? How did you…?”

Her friend laughs at the unfinished question. “You used to take me here and called it one of your favorite places, genius. This is where you took me for birthday shots that one year, remember? Although I will admit this wasn’t my first guess as to where you’d be hiding out.”

Joy doesn’t relax as Yeri sits next to her, not really knowing what to expect out of the girl. Her demeanor is definitely different from when they had seen each other at the house, but she isn’t sure why.

She watches as Yeri orders herself a drink, acting as nonchalant as one possibly could be in these circumstances. Whatever bomb Yeri has, she just wants her to drop it and get it over with already.

“Why are you here?” It comes out blunt and almost aggravated, but Yeri doesn’t seem to care.

“Because I’m your best friend and I wanted to talk to you? I know you’re probably upset about earlier, but consider that I had to step in and do your job for you. You know I love you even though you have pissed me off in unimaginable ways the past few months, and more times than I can count.”

It was true, and a fair assessment. She was lucky Yeri was even talking to her after the situation last night, or even the thing with Sana.

She couldn’t really knock Yeri’s attitude. Joy had been the same way as president. She did what she had to do when she needed to do it. If she had still been the president and it was someone else in her situation, there’s no doubt it would’ve unfolded the exact same way.

“Well, if you’re here to tell me to come back, don’t bother. I need to think about it for myself.”

Yeri laughs again, taking a sip of whatever fruity alcoholic drink she had ordered. “I’m not. It’s not like you really listen to me anyway. Technically speaking, I’m off the clock of president duties. I’m here as your best friend, so would you lighten up?”

That does help Joy relax a little, realizing that Yeri isn’t here with some secret agenda given to her by the rest of the sorority.

“Irene told me you stayed with a friend last night, so I’m glad you were safe. You’re a moron for leaving drunk like that, though.”

Joy shrugs. “Wouldn’t be the first time I did something massively stupid this year, might not be the last.”

Yeri hums, ignoring the self deprecating tone to Joy’s voice. “Look, I did come here for a reason. Kind of. While it’s true I didn’t come to sway you to come back really, there are some things you need to know.”

The anxiety turns in Joy’s stomach, which it’s been doing a lot these days. “Okay.”

“You know I’ll never actually like...drop you. You’re my best friend, and like an older annoying sister I never had. But what I said in the house about you being a social outcast wouldn’t be a lie. I would at the very least have to pretend to drop you for appearances.”

Joy’s brow furrows, feeling at least the slightest bit offended. “Are you serious?”

“Uh, yeah?” Yeri rolls her eyes, taking a longer drink than the one before. “I come from less money than you do and no legacy status behind me. This may not be what you want anymore, but I’m happy with the path I have in front of me for my career and school. I only have a year left after this, and I could barely salvage the situation with you and alumni weekend coming up. I’m not doing anything else to mess up what I have over there.”

That, Joy could actually understand. She couldn’t ask Yeri to give up the sorority for her if it would hurt her future in ways she might not be able to repair.

“That being said, as your best friend I am telling you to do what makes you happy. This might be the only chance I get to say that for a while.”

In surprise, she turns her full attention to the other girl. “What?”

“I told you I wasn’t here as my stand in president self, Joy. When I asked you to reconsider, part of me was asking you as my friend to stay because I do want you to, and so does Irene. All of them do. I personally think it’s stupid to leave at a time like this and you’re adding onto my already overloaded workload. It’ll also make things harder for you, especially with...you know.”

Yeri takes a long pause, finally finishing off her drink before starting back up. “But seeing the look on your face at the house, seeing how quick you were to just throw it all away last night...this isn’t what you want anymore. I’d be dumb to pretend otherwise. If I’m being honest, I don’t think you’ve wanted this for a long time. You just didn’t know how to say it.”

Hearing it is from someone else is jarring, not realizing she had been so easy to read. Everything Yeri had said was absolutely true when all she had thought about since Sana had left was how if she could go back and make the choice a second time, it wouldn’t be the choice that left her without Sana in the end.

“So what I’m saying is...I have reasons for supporting both sides of this. You’ve heard all the reasons why now. But it’s something you have to choose for yourself.”

A long silence falls over them, both girls sitting there unsure of what to say next. Yeri orders herself another drink and Joy finally starts her previously untouched drink.

“Yeri, I don’t think I’m coming back.”

The younger girl looks over and nods. “Well, I’m on best friend duty right now. So we can pretend I didn’t hear that. Tomorrow, we’ll talk about it and tell everyone else. For now, I’d really like it if we could just drink together like normal friends do.”

Silence falls over them again, but this time the tension isn’t there. They drink in peace, relishing their last night they’ll have like this for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost theeeeere. think next chapter might finally be time to see a certain someone again....
> 
> song for the chapter is king by lauren aquilina


	15. now we're down to the last two

They had spent the rest of the night reminiscing, joking about the good memories they shared from their time together in the sorority. It was the calm before the storm. At the end of the night, they parted ways knowing what was gonna be done in the morning. 

Sleep had come a bit easier with a few drinks in her system and knowing that Yeri didn’t really resent her for what she was choosing to do. Deep down, she knew she never should’ve doubted her. Yeri wasn’t that type of person, and never would be.

But she couldn’t help but think of what she was going to have to do for the rest of the year when she would be moving out of the house and basically be in isolation. She only kind of had Yeri but at a distance. But she didn’t have the sorority, didn’t have Sana, didn’t have any of the friends she made through Sana. So what was left?

Regardless of her friends and social situation, she’d have to figure out where she was going to live for the next few weeks until graduation. She’d have a few days in a hotel to figure it out before the charges would really start racking up and she’d also have to confront her parents about the situation.

It had taken her a few hours to come up with what she had wanted to say to them. She figured sending out an email to all of them would be the best way to do it instead of sending a simple text to their group chat. It wasn’t something she wanted to overthink, so she kept it simple. In it, she thanked them for their years of hard work with her and all the great moments they had shared. But she’d be resigning, effectively immediately.

After hitting the send button, she knew there would either be one or zero responses. It took only around ten minutes for the one response to come in. Yeri telling her that she could come pick up most of her stuff at the house. At the very least she could bring her clothes and laptop with her among a few other personal items. The other stuff would have to be figured out later.

She lets herself shower a little longer than usual. Time feels unusually slow today, like it’s moving just for her. Maybe it’s her chance to enjoy these moments in solitude, because even though everything has already gone to shit she feels almost strangely at peace with it. It feels better than usual just to let the hot water wash over her, and it’s unusually metaphoric. 

Pulling up to the house is something she used to do every single day of her college career, but knowing it’s maybe the last time ever gives her a strange feeling. One she isn’t sure how to navigate.

The house is totally and completely empty, which is even eerier than all the girls sitting around quietly waiting for her arrival. Before she would’ve done anything for a moment of peace in here with the house to herself, but nothing about it feels right in these circumstances.

Walking up to her room even feels different. Opening the door and taking it all in has more meaning than it has in a long time.

She finds her bags and starts packing her clothes. Not all of them, but the most important pieces and stuff she would wear on a day to day basis. She leaves out some of the dressier clothes, considering she wouldn’t need them for just going to class or going out to get food from her hotel room.

Up until now, she’s held it all in. Hasn’t cried, hasn’t had any kind of emotional outburst besides the one of anger at the party. So to feel this wave of overwhelming emotion feels strange to her. She didn’t regret her decision to leave, and she wasn’t going to change her mind. But the way it had all played out, how everything in her life had changed so drastically, it was a lot to take in. A lot that she hadn’t processed yet.

Her eyes start to burn where tears would form and she thinks maybe it’ll finally happen this time, but a voice breaks her out of her becoming lost in her thoughts.

She nearly has a heart attack at the unexpectedness of it and whips around to see whoever got into the house, because the girls were definitely not supposed to be here right now.

Joy blinks a few times, not really believing the person in front of her right now. But Sana is staring back at her, looking...bewildered? Angry? She wasn’t sure.

“How did you get in?”

Sana exhales slowly, seeming frustrated now. “The door was unlocked. And I knew you were here right now because I asked Yeri and she said you were here alone picking up your stuff.”

Still, Joy is confused. But that doesn’t stop her heart from beating a little faster with curiosity. She couldn’t help it. It was the first time she had seen Sana in forever and she had been asking about her, how could she not be excited? She has to keep her cool though, because she knows Sana isn’t here to run back into her arms.

“So…,” she tries to think of a way to word things without scaring her off entirely or hurting her even more than she already has. “What, um, are you doing here?”

“Because I overheard people talking about you stepping down and I couldn’t believe it, I really couldn’t. Then I asked Yeri to confirm it and she did. So, now I find myself here. What the hell are you thinking?”

The only other time she’s seen Sana this mad was when they broke up, and she’s completely caught off guard by it. Hadn’t the sorority ruined everything for them? Why would she ever want her to stay there?

Joy simply shrugs, even though she’s very aware her attitude towards it will only serve to make Sana even angrier. “Things change.”

Sana gapes at her. “What do you mean things change? Your future changed? Joy, this meant everything to you.”

That couldn’t be further from the truth right now, and she grits her teeth in response. She knows she’s getting overwhelmed by Sana saying all these things to her, but the last thing she wants to do is let Sana see her become vulnerable again.

She turns away from Sana, going back to packing her clothes. “You shouldn’t be here.”

A scoff is heard from behind her. “And you shouldn’t be leaving like this and giving up your entire future that you worked so hard for. This is crazy, Joy…why are you doing this?”

Something inside her finally breaks and she feels hot tears fall down her face. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but she can’t stop it now. She whips around to face Sana again. 

“Because I wasn’t happy! You of all people should know that.”

Her outburst stuns Sana into silence, and she just looks on as Joy keeps going.

“You just don’t get it. When I knew that I was leaving do you know what I felt? Free. It doesn’t even matter that there’s barely any time left before I graduate and leave here forever. I made a decision for myself, one that I didn’t have to hide from the world. I already lost you forever, so I wasn’t going to waste another second being unhappy here.”

She stops, waiting to see if Sana has anything to say. But she doesn’t. Instead, she catches the slight movement forward of Sana’s hand like she wants to reach out to her. It hurts to see when she pulls it back and keeps it in place.

“If you want to know the truth…,” she pauses once more, angrily dabbing at her flowing tears. “Being with you was the happiest I’ve ever been. What I gave you up for wasn’t even worth a fraction of how I felt when I was with you.”

Sana doesn’t say anything, but Joy is fully crying now. She pulls up the collar of her shirt to dry her eyes.

“And I’m sorry. For everything. For hiding our relationship and hurting you when all I ever wanted to do was protect you from that part of my life. I didn’t think about how you felt because I was so focused on keeping those parts of my life separate. You deserved better than that. Better than someone who made you feel like they were ashamed of you, even though I wasn’t. Not for a single second.”

Sana’s stare softens, and Joy doesn’t know if it means anything but if this is her last chance ever for Sana to hear her out then she knows she has to take it. She turns her head away, unable to keep looking Sana in the eye.

“You are all I have thought about. All I’ve wanted to do ever since that night in the parking lot is go back to the very beginning and choose you instead. To just make better choices. But I can’t. I can’t and I’m sorry. I just wish that I-”

“Sooyoung.”

She freezes and her breath catches in her throat hearing her real name, never having heard Sana use it before. “Sana, what-”

“I love you.”

Her eyes widen at the very sudden confession. The way Sana is looking at her is gentle. There’s no judgement, no anger. Only sincerity.

“You can’t just…,” her voice comes out shaky, trying to stop herself from crying. “You can’t just say that to me.”

Sana gives her a small, sad smile. “I love you, Sooyoung.”

It’s Joy’s turn to stare at Sana, completely shell shocked now. She isn’t sure how long passes before she feels herself start to move forward and Sana is moving too. When they finally meet in the middle, she pulls Sana in. 

Kissing Sana again just feels right. She feels like she’s not just floating aimlessly anymore, like she’s finally found the thing that will keep her grounded. Her hands tremble ever so slightly as she holds Sana’s face, but Sana is quick to put her own hands on top of Joy’s in hopes of easing her nerves.

When they pull away from each other, Joy lets her hands fall down to Sana’s waist while Sana’s arms wrap around Joy’s shoulders. Sana smiles, closing her eyes and letting her head fall forward to gently press her forehead against Joy’s.

“I missed you.” Joy’s voice is soft, hoping to preserve this tender moment they have right now.

Sana hums. “I know. I missed you too. There’s a lot we still have to talk about.”

Joy feels the panic inside her rise out of pure instinct. Even with this moment they were sharing, it doesn’t mean everything was fixed. This could easily end up meaning nothing in the long run.

Somehow, Sana senses what she feels. She pulls her arms around Joy’s shoulders just a little tighter.

“But not right now. Right now, I just want to be here with you. Nothing else.”

Joy swallows the lump in her throat and nods. She pulls Sana closer, letting her head fall to her shoulder. She’d gladly enjoy whatever this was for as long as she was allowed.

\---

There was still a degree of awkwardness between them, but it was something they couldn’t really address right away. Sana had gladly helped Joy pack up some of her things with Momo and Jeongyeon’s help. They had both quickly agreed to let her keep a few things in Momo’s trunk for the time being, with her not knowing what exactly she was going to do in regards to her living situation. 

Sana had seemed worried, but Joy assured her that just a few days in a hotel room would be fine. Eventually Sana relented, but had asked Joy if they’d be able to talk later that night. Of course Joy had agreed, but her stomach had been in knots ever since.

Now she found herself nervously pacing the room after Sana had shot her a quick message to let her know she was on her way. She didn’t doubt this would be good for them. What they needed was a talk, a lot of talks actually. But hopefully this time with less outbursts or crying.

When the knock at the door finally comes, she nervously brushes herself off. She didn’t get dressed up or anything, but for something this important she wanted to look at least halfway presentable.

She opens the door and greets Sana with a nod before Sana makes her way over to the bed to sit down. Joy follows closely behind, sitting next to her. Her hands nervously tap against her legs. She doesn’t know where to even begin, because in a way it feels like being strangers all over again. 

“Joy, it’s okay. You don’t have to be nervous around me right now.”

Glancing over at Sana, she feels her face flush with embarrassment. “I know. I just...I don’t want to say the wrong thing. Or mess this up.”

Sana nods, completely understanding. She reaches over for Joy’s nervously tapping hand and carefully laces their fingers together. “I know you don’t. But can I start?”

Joy nods, and Sana gives her hand a squeeze.

"What happened really hurt me. I can admit for a bit I wanted nothing to do with you, or at least I convinced myself that I did.” She shakes her head. “But it didn’t work well even from the start. I couldn’t even think about moving on.”

It felt like a massive relief to know that Sana hadn’t thought about being with anyone else either, because thinking she was dating Jeongyeon so soon after their split had been some of the worst days when they were apart.

“I know what I want though. We’ll have to work on things, and I don’t know if it’ll be easy. But I want to be with you. Is that what you want too?”

What a silly question, Joy thinks to herself. Of course she wanted to be with her. She’d move mountains for her if she could.

“Absolutely. I know things can’t restart and be a completely clean slate, but this is what I want more than anything. I love you, and I want to be with you.”

Sana laughs, but a sniffle follows closely behind. “It feels good to hear you say that.”

She hates that the first I love you ever exchanged between them will always be tainted by the circumstances surrounding it. But maybe now she’d get the chance to replace the memory of that night with something better.

“Sana, I love you. I want to do things right this time. I want us to be together and to do all the things couples do in public. I want to...be someone you’re proud to be with and to treat you the way I should’ve from the very start.”

Sana moves closer to her now so that their shoulders are bumping against each other. “I love you too. I think we can make this work. I at least want to try. If we love each other and give it an honest shot and it doesn’t work out...then at least we tried.”

Joy hums contentedly. “Then we’re in agreement.”

She feels Sana untangle their hands and slide her hand up to softly attach itself to the back of Joy’s neck. “Mhm, we are.”

With the way Sana is looking down at her lips, Joy knows she’s about to make her move. She tilts her head just slightly to the side, and smiles at the other girl. Sana takes that as her invitation and moves in, slotting her lips against Joy’s.

Their kiss back at the house had been perfect in its own way. It was a product of both of them being in the moment. It was everything they had wanted to say to each other from when they had been apart but hadn’t been able to. Every “I miss you”, every “I’m sorry.” But this was different, it was better. It was “I’m happy to be home” and “I’m yours.” 

Before they can get too carried away, Sana pulls back and puts a safe amount of distance in between them so that Joy gets the hint that she needs to talk about something else.

“As much as I would love to take things further, there are some more pressing issues we have to talk about first. Where are you going to live?”

Joy lets out a deep sigh, falling back against the bed. Sana watches her curiously. 

“I don’t know. I hadn’t thought that far ahead when I left. My parents live too far away for me to be able to travel back and forth and I don’t have any close friends outside. Maybe I can check online listings and find someone to rent from for a couple months.”

“Okay. I have a suggestion. But you can’t shoot it down right away.” Sana takes in a deep breath before clearing her throat. “As you know, Momo practically lives with Jeongyeon already. There’s also plenty of room at my place for your stuff…”

Realizing what exactly it is she’s implying, Joy quickly props herself up on her elbows. “Sana, I can’t accept that. Not with us just getting back together.”

Sana’s cheeks puff up in frustration. “I told you not to shoot it down right away! If you had anywhere else safe and close-by to go while you finished school, then I wouldn’t even ask you. But you need some place to sleep and I already talked to both Momo and Jeongyeon about it! You can’t pretend you wouldn’t do the same for me.”

Ah, she got her there. Joy would absolutely do the same, without even hesitating. She thinks in silence for a few minutes, before eventually relenting. “I mean, it is only for a few weeks…”

“See? It isn’t that bad. And we can move at whatever pace we want. Us living together doesn’t mean we have to rush things. You can sleep in Momo’s bedroom.”

It goes quiet again before Joy finally fully gives in and says yes. Sana squeals in delight before leaning over and initiating a soft kiss. This really could be their official fresh start.

\---

The weeks go by quicker than either of them would’ve expected. They’re an official couple, in every sense. The only people they keep it from are both sets of their parents, because that’s a bridge they’ll cross when they’re forced to cross it.

Yeri and Irene both text Joy asking her about everything. She hasn’t seen them in a while, and won’t be able to until the summer but she’s okay with that. She knows both of them are busy with their own things right now anyway even if it weren’t for the fact that technically they had to shun her. But they seem happy for her, and that’s all she can really ask of them right now.

Living together with Sana is surprisingly simple. Sana is somehow both a great roommate and a great girlfriend all while making sure their relationship doesn’t go anywhere too fast. They’ll cook together, watch television, speak vaguely about graduation. They haven’t slept together since the breakup, but that’s okay. It’s not really something at the forefront of either of their minds. Joy is more than happy just to be there with her.

When graduation is finally just around the corner, Joy can’t help but be plagued by thoughts of what will come next. It hadn’t been something either of them had really wanted to discuss, but it was looming over both of their heads anyway. It might’ve been too fast for some people, maybe even too fast for Sana herself even though she had been the one to propose their temporary roommate situation, but she wanted them to move in together after graduation.

She still had yet to tell Yeri this plan, or any of her current life with her parents even though they undoubtedly knew about what had happened at the sorority. But she was sure this was what she had wanted. This time, she wasn’t thinking about anyone or anything but her own future. Even with dropping out of the sorority she still had her professor recommendations and enough connections to get a decent job in her field. All that was left was to get the girl she loved to be willing to venture into the unknown of the future with her.

When graduation is only a few days away, she begins her plan. She knows how much money she has saved up and what price range of apartment to look for. What she has in her account is money she’s gotten over the years that she’s refused to spend, which she’s extremely thankful for in hindsight.

She scours listings, carefully comparing prices and doing her best with a hypothetical budget. She also makes sure to check the backgrounds of the neighborhoods she hasn’t heard of, which could almost be more important than the price itself.

After what she deems to be extensive research, she compiles a handful of options that seem to be a good balance of everything that’s important for an apartment. Of course the final decision would be made by both of them together when the time came and they could tour them together, but she’d have to get Sana to say yes first.

Sana is getting out of work early tonight for her usual standards, so Joy orders her favorite takeout. She cleans the apartment too because, why not? This was something huge she was asking, so absolutely everything had to be perfect.

At only a few minutes past five, the key starts to turn in the lock. Joy sucks in a deep breath. She could do this. Even if it didn’t turn into what she wanted, they’d still be together. Either way, it’d be okay in the long run. But she still wanted to make this work.

She’s quick to greet Sana coming in, who is more than happy to give her a quick kiss as she sets her things down.

“Wow, you’re certainly happy to see me today. And you got food from my favorite takeout place?” She eagerly leans in for another kiss, but Joy pulls her head just out of her reach.

“Can we talk about something? I thought we could over dinner, if you want.”

Sana blinks, confused by the serious tone after weeks of a constant easy going mood between them.

“Of course we can. Is everything okay?”

Joy nods, wringing her hands together nervously. She leads them over the couch, and Sana is watching her carefully.

“Are you sure you’re okay? If something bad happened or even something with your parents we can figure it out.”

As much as she appreciated Sana’s concern and willingness to help her if she needed it, she couldn’t lose focus. “Sana, it’s nothing bad. I swear. You just have to...hear me out. Okay? Like you asked me to before.”

Sana’s face turns even more serious before and she gives a quick nod in response. Right. Joy could do this.

“So, I know we haven’t been back together for very long. But you know how I feel about you. It’s the most sure I’ve ever been in my life about anything, and I want us to have a future together.”

The other girl’s expression is still serious, but she hasn’t uttered a single word yet. Joy takes that as encouragement considering she’s clearly leading up to something serious and Sana hadn’t tried to stop her so far.

“I’ll just come out and say it, but I want us to move in together. After graduation. I’ve done my research already, and I found a lot of good options that would work for us. I know you want to finish grad school and you could still do that here while I get a job in the city.”

Sana’s silence isn’t so encouraging any longer. The look on her face almost reads like she isn’t quite processing what Joy is asking her. Did she completely hate the idea?

“Are you...sure? Like, you’d have to be absolutely sure.”

Joy bites the inside of her cheek to keep from frowning. It wasn’t exactly the reaction she had hoped for. “Of course I’m sure. I wouldn’t have asked you if I wasn’t. If you don’t want to, that’s fine.”

Sana waves her hands frantically. “I didn’t say that! This is just a big step. Like you said we just got back together too. I’m not against it, but I just want you to be sure. Because this isn’t something we could back out of if we got tired of each other or something.”

Maybe she really wasn’t opposed, and Joy should give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was scared, just like Joy was.

“I’m not gonna get sick of you. Look, I know I’m asking for a lot. You’ll have to trust me though. This is a giant leap of faith, for both of us. But it’s one I want to take, and I’m ready for whatever if it’s with you. I just want to know that you’re willing to do the same.”

Joy watches with baited breath as Sana sits there silently, the gears clearly whirring in her head. Truthfully, she didn’t really expect Sana to answer right away. If she had wanted to give it a day or two before answering, that’d be fine.

When the silence remains, Joy just exhales deeply before moving to get off the couch. Not even a second later and Sana’s hand shoots out to grab onto her wrist.

“Yes.”

Joy stops, turning her head back to look at Sana. “Yes?”

“Yes, as in...yes. I want to take that leap of faith with you. I want to move in together.”

She can’t stop the smile that forms across her face from ear to ear. She turns around fully to lean down and take Sana’s face in her hands for a slow kiss. Sana smiles into it and threads her fingers through Joy’s hair.

There’s nothing she’d like more right now than to seal the deal with Sana again and finish whatever this was in the bedroom. But it occurs to her just how much she paid for takeout, and that it’s quickly getting cold. Joy pulls back with a pop, eliciting a whine from Sana.

“We can finish this later, but we still have to eat dinner. Plus, I want to show you some of the places I found online for us to go visit together. And _then_ we can finish what we started here.”

Sana grins as she stands up and catches Joy by surprise as she pulls her in for a quick kiss. 

“Sounds perfect to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annnnnd there we have it! except there's an epilogue left so hold tight for that
> 
> song for this chapter is may i have this dance remix by francis and the lights


	16. epilogue

“That’s the last box, right?”

Joy nods, wiping the sweat off her forehead.

“Yes, we definitely got everything. Even if we did leave a few things, Momo will tell us or bring them by.”

Moving hadn’t been nearly as stressful as either of them had thought it would be. Enlisting Momo and Jeongyeon had helped tons, and they had gotten free iced coffee out of it. 

Finally being able to fully take a look around at their new apartment, Joy felt a rush of giddiness. The wait from initially picking out their apartment together to getting to this point had felt so long, but now she knew the wait had been more than worth it.

“Babe? Everything okay?”

Sana’s gentle concern snaps her out of her thoughts, she flashes the other girl a wide smile.

“Very okay. Just got distracted thinking about how good this place will look once we finally get unpacked and it isn’t just a couch, a bed, and a bunch of empty boxes.”

The concern on the girl’s face is replaced by a similar smile and she steps towards Joy, pulling her into her space.

“I agree. But unpacking isn’t the first thing on my mind…” She trails off suggestively, and pulls Joy’s hands towards her so they rest on her hips.

Joy laughs and shakes her head. “I like the way you think, but we have to be somewhere in like half an hour.”

A shrug. “I can be quick.”

Sana reaches up behind Joy to pull her hair out of her ponytail. She gently tousles her hair before pushing her back. Joy lets out a grunt as her back hits the wall and Sana is quick to get to work. Joy sucks in a breath as her girlfriend playfully nips at her neck.

She knew that right now she should be getting in the shower, but it wasn’t exactly easy when Sana’s hands were sliding down her body and working to unbutton her shorts. Sana hasn’t been the one to take the lead for a while, so now that she finally is Joy can only stand there and watch her in awe.

She’s pressed even harder into the wall and she would’ve completely missed the ringing of her phone if it wasn’t for the fact that Sana had stopped what she was doing. Her girlfriend gives her a slightly irritated look, but she knows none of the irritation is really directed towards her.

“Rain check on this for later tonight? I’ll go shower first.” She leans forward to peck Sana on the cheek, which the other girl can’t really hide her smile for.

Her phone which she had left on the kitchen counter displayed a missed call from Irene. They hadn’t seen each other since before graduation and their communication had dwindled as Joy spent more time focusing on her relationship with Sana. But with both of them no longer having to worry about the sorority, they had made plans to hang out.

Initially, their plans had only included the two of them. Sana and Irene had an uncomfortable past which had never really gotten resolved, so Joy didn’t really want to bring her into it. Much to her shock though, Irene had started asking about her and if she’d want to come hang out with them as well.

Naturally, her instinct was to not let those two anywhere near each other. Why would she want to? Things between her and Irene may have been on the mend now but that doesn’t mean it applied to the other two as well. But when she had carefully brought it up to Sana, she had seemed surprisingly open to it.

She types a quick reply back and turns her head when she notices Sana coming up to her to grab her attention. She turns around to get a good look at her girlfriend, Sana grinning at her as she loops her arms around her neck.

“You know, we’ll actually save time if we just shower together.” She slides one of her hands up to palm the side of Joy’s neck, rubbing softly. One of the oldest tricks in her book, but Joy was all too keen to it now.

Joy rolls her eyes but smiles anyway.

“Okay, you got me. But no funny business. I mean it.”

Sana giggles, heading to the bathroom with her girlfriend in tow.

“Sure, anything you say.”

\---

Their public dynamic has changed a lot ever since they’ve come out as an official couple, and all of it was for the better.

They tried not to be the overly touchy couple that everyone rolled their eyes at, but they couldn’t help that it felt so freeing to be able to actually act like two people in love now in places other than the confines of their bedrooms.

It became second nature for Sana to intertwine their fingers when they were out and about, or for Joy to pull Sana in for a soft kiss on the cheek. 

But today was different. Sana has Joy’s arm pulled close to her, both hands clasped around it. There’s a nervousness to it. It’s a nervousness Joy understands though. Sana is almost always bright and excited, but with Irene minutes away from arriving it wasn’t entirely strange that she’d be a big ball of nerves.

Joy does her best to soothe Sana while they sit in the back corner of one of the higher end coffee chains near their apartment. She tells her that she has nothing to worry about because the past is the past and that things are moving in a better direction. At least, she hopes so.

When Irene finally arrives and notices them in the corner, she sends over an awkward wave and an attempt at a smile. Sana’s tension seems to ease up a bit. Joy realizes it’s definitely the first time Sana has ever seen Irene be anything but the ice cold front she put up for everyone at school.

Without ordering anything, Irene makes her way over to sit across from them. Underneath the table, Joy reaches for Sana’s hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.

“Irene, I’m glad you could make it. You remember Sana, of course.”

Irene nods. “Yes, great to see you again. Both of you.”

Joy glances over at Sana, who does her best to give off a welcoming air. But it falls short, because both of them still seem kind of uncomfortable with the presence of the other.

“I was glad to hear you guys found an apartment. The pictures Joy sent me looked great.” Irene clears her throat, glancing down at her phone. “I actually got an apartment too. We decided not to move in together right away, so it’s just me for now.”

We? Who was we? The confusion is evident on Joy’s face as Irene realizes her lack of explanation on that part.

“Oh, I never mentioned it before but...Seulgi and I started dating. For a couple months now.”

They hadn’t been super close during Joy’s time at the sorority, but it almost made sense. There had been whispers when Joy and Irene dated that Seulgi had a crush on Irene, but not something she would act on. Considering the kind of person Seulgi was, Joy imagined they’d balance each other out well. Irene needed someone like that in her life, someone who truly wanted to be with her.

“That’s great! Seulgi is great so I mean, I’m really happy for you guys. You’ll have to bring her next time so we can all hang out.”

After the brief discussion of Irene’s new girlfriend is done, it quickly goes back to being awkward. Joy searches for something to say when she feels a soft kick from across the table. She looks up to see Irene giving her some kind of look. Irene motions towards the counter with her head, and Joy finally understands.

“I totally forgot to order earlier, so I’m gonna do that now. Is your usual okay, babe?”

Sana looks at Irene warily for a brief moment before looking back at Joy. She nods. Joy leans in to plant a kiss on Sana’s cheek before pushing out her chair and walking to the counter by herself.

She’s only a few people away from the front of line, so she can’t really stop herself from looking back over her shoulder at the two still at the table. Mostly, it seems to be Irene doing the talking and Sana doing the listening. She can only imagine what Irene has to say after all this time.

The stomach churning anxiety she has at the image of them talking together is an overreaction which she knows is based on the last time she talked. But even being self aware with it doesn’t make the anxiety go away.

Getting to the front of the line forces her attention away from them. She orders for herself, Sana, and Irene. When she comes back balancing all three drinks, something about the two girls is different.

Sana grins at her, taking her drink out of Joy’s hand and giving her a kiss in return as thanks. “Thank you, I think you know my drink better than I do by this point.”

Joy looks between them curiously. Even Irene seems a little peppier. She would have to question it later. But for now, she’d just enjoy the company of two of her favorite people.

\---

“So, what did you guys talk about?”

Sana glances up from her program brochure. “You mean me and Irene?”

“Well...yeah. We didn’t talk about it at dinner either and I’ve been wondering I just didn’t want to push you about it.”

“Hmm,” Sana puts her brochure down and takes her glasses off, setting both things on the arm of the couch. “If you really want to know, she apologized to me.”

Given the upward change in both their moods, after she had come back to the table it wasn’t all that surprising.

“It was really sincere. Even though it feels like it had been ages since everything happened, she apologized for trying to get in between our relationship and purposely hurting me.”

Joy scoots a bit closer to her on the couch. “That’s good. You deserved an apology from her after everything. I was happy to have her in my life as a friend and I wasn’t sure whether she was going to or not, but I’m glad she did.”

Sana closes the space between them, and moves to comfortably lean into Joy. “I’m glad she did too. Things really do seem different now. She’s been a good friend to you lately. You deserve that too.”

It lapses into a comfortable silence between them. Joy knows she could fall asleep like this. Sana’s warm weight leaned against her with the lights low and the soft sound of the television are comforting to her.

Most everything is still packed into their neatly labeled cardboard boxes, but nothing has ever felt like home more than this does. A year ago she never thought she’d be in a place like this. She never thought she’d end up somewhere being genuinely happy.

“Mm, as enticing as this is, I’m very much ready to sleep in our actual bed tonight. It is our first real night here after all. Are you staying up or are you coming with?” 

Joy watches as Sana gets off the couch to stretch her limbs and she can’t help but feel warm. Something so mundane and normal as going to bed together just felt so right. This is where she was meant to be.

She pushes herself off the couch, standing up and pulling Sana in for a lingering kiss. Sana seems a little caught off guard by the intensity behind it, but kisses back regardless.

“That is...way better than your usual goodnight kiss.”

She leans forward for a quick kiss this time, before pulling back to look at Sana fondly. “Couldn’t help it. Let's go to bed though, we have a busy day tomorrow.”

Sana intertwines their hands, playfully swinging them back and forth.

“Tomorrow, and the whole week actually. The whole month, really. I think we’re both all booked up for the foreseeable future. So, seems like you’re stuck with me for a while.”

Joy laughs as Sana pulls their conjoined hands in the direction of the bedroom.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's the end! just wanna thank my co author for coming up with approximately half this story and helping me fine tune my own ideas and the little details of this story and to anyone else who helped me with errors and proofreading. and thanks to everyone who read and commented and supported this :)
> 
> and now i can finally say there WILL be a sequel to this story. it won't be my next project though but i do have great stuff coming between now and then so stay tuned tbh.
> 
> song for this chapter is latch by natalie taylor
> 
> complete soundtrack  
> 1\. wicked (loote remix) - loote, mansionz  
> 2\. play - jax jones, years & years  
> 3\. comfortable - lauv  
> 4\. distraction - m1ldl1fe  
> 5\. tongue tied - jakil  
> 6\. talk - dj snake, george maple  
> 7\. you make my heart go - veaux  
> 8\. emotional - okaywill  
> 9\. i don't mind - the wldlfe  
> 10\. empty kisses - laurel  
> 11\. please don't go - barcelona  
> 12\. idontwannabeyouanymore - billie eilish  
> 13\. i don't feel real - patternist  
> 14\. king - lauren aquilina  
> 15\. may i have this dance (remix) ft. chance the rapper - francis and the lights  
> 16\. latch - natalie taylor

**Author's Note:**

> find me on twitter at @1to10writes


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